After work today, we’re leaving for another one of our patented, poorly-planned, chaotic road trips which will entail an obscene amount of miles, little sleep in sketchy hotels, roller coasters in quaint New England parks, and a long-overdue reunion with my amazing friend Kristen! It is nice to have something to be excited about amidst everything all crumbling around me LOLOLOL hahahahaha ugh. Just kidding, guys – I’m OK and actively working on getting a fucking grip. Hopefully the new and improved version of my bitch self will be making her debut sometime…this fall? However long it will take therapy to make a dent in my morose cocoon.

On top of my issues, I have been so fucking annoyed with this blog and all the CHANGES that Henry has had to make to keep it from getting hacked, etc. I hate hate hate how it looks now, so badly. In fact, my last post somehow was published with white font, and you might not know this, but white font does not show up on a white background.

I fixed it but the font is different than the other posts even though it says it’s the same! I FEEL LIKE I AM IN CYBER HELL. And every other time I try to publish something, I’m taken to an error page. So if anyone out there reading this knows how to fix this and has the patience to work with me, let me know, because I think Henry resigned after my last fit.

I don’t know what else to say anymore. Chooch has been driving us all around so that’s been fun. I haven’t played tennis in a few weeks, and I need to do that. I still am not eating properly. I have some old Wimbledon match from 2013 playing on the TV behind me and it is comforting. I still can’t really listen to music.

Someone in my work group chat asked me if I’m excited or scared to be an empty nester – um excuse me? T R I G G E R E D. I am fucking sad, that’s what I am. Fucking sad. It’s actually some amalgamation of a bunch of emotions on the sad-scale and I have never felt this way before but this morning I caught a glimpse of Chooch sleeping when I walked by his room and I burst into tears. JUST A REMINDER THAT HE IS ONLY MOVING 5 HOURS AWAY I WILL SURVIVE. I swear to god though, before my life completely changed on July 1, the only real emotion I had been experiencing with regard to that was pride. I am so freaking proud of him! But now I’m just doggy-paddling through a sea of sadness.

You know it’s bad when I willingly bought him these dumb Minions Crocs last night when we went to the Outlets! He was like, “Yay! Thank you!” and I was so mad that I spent money on CROCS but it was also nice to see him happy, ugh.

Neighbor update: They did in fact move out, in one fell swoop. No words were exchanged. I’m not sure if the landlord knows, if they were still working with the immigration agency, etc. All I know is that I feel like a weight has been lifted but I’m also pissed that they managed to upheave my life in such a weird, invasive, stressful way during the time they were here. To their credit, it wasn’t the kids. It was her, and she did back off after a while, but back in May I had to delete WhatsApp from my phone because she was sending me super aggressive messages, like, “I gave you my last name, I called you family, why won’t you come to me” and it’s like, “Lady, I have a life too.” I’m over here just trying to do my best for my own fucking family and I couldn’t be at her beck and call because things aren’t happening fast enough (she wanted us to teach her daughter how to drive and then help her get her license – these weren’t small things she was asking us, like, “when is garbage pick-up?” you know?). I stopped going over “for tea” because it turned into hours of me sitting uncomfortably while she spoke into a translator about all the things that needed done and…I too have things that need to get done.

It’s just disheartening. I wanted so badly to help and to be friends but it was clear that while she kept calling us family, we weren’t FRIENDS. She knew nothing about me, didn’t care to know anything. Anytime I would try to have conversations so we could get to know each other, she would take the phone off me (we always used my phone for translating and that was annoying too because she would just grab it off me) and start going on and on about why I haven’t found her a job yet, etc. Excuse me, maybe the translation was coming out wrong, but last time I checked, neighbors aren’t responsible for getting new neighbors jobs.

It was just a whole lot of that. I do feel taken advantage of to an extent, not in the sense that I feel like she didn’t really need help, but she was so wasteful. She was constantly having new things brought to her by the church, new community friends, who knows, and she would throw the old things out. Like perfectly good used furniture that had been donated to her when she moved in, chucked out into the trash. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, I don’t know, but it made my skin crawl.

Also, over the last several months, she got herself a boyfriend (I think???) and he was some smarmy jerk who stood on her porch to smoke, and it would blow straight into my window. AND their side of the duplex has been remodeled and has central air so she would crank the A/C and leave the door and all of the windows open?! Henry was going to say something at one point and then adopted the “eh, fuck it” attitude that I too have lately.

Ugh I am so negative and Eeyore-y lately that I am getting on my own nerves. I’m going to attempt to post this and see how shitty it looks or if it even posts at all. I’ll update from the road this weekend if my blog lets me. Bye.

 

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