My stupid phone memories started alerting me yesterday to the fact that it has been 5 years since we went to South Korea and look, I am hyper-aware of the fact that I talk about this like I am the only human being to ever travel to Korea. I get it. It’s annoying. I’m annoying. But I sincerely cannot help it because it was the greatest time of my life!
However, instead of just reposting something like I’m always so eager to do, I thought it would be fun to transcribe my vacation journal from our travel day: destination Seoul. I was re-reading it for the first time earlier today and simultaneously cracking up and seething with anger and secondhand embarrassment over Henry’s constant fuck-ups, lol. I mean, it’s funny now but I was seriously wanting to lock myself in a janitor’s closet and cry my face off that day, he was SO ANNOYING.
OK here we go:
***
3/22/18
SOUTH KOREA
It’s currently 6:04am and we’re sitting at our American Air gate in the pgh airport after Henry committed many blunders, starting with RIGHT AWAY going to a long-term parking lot that he claimed would be “fine” without a reservation but it was FULL. So, no Charlie Brown lot for us which is ironic because it sure felt like a Charlie Brown moment.
We ended up right down the street at the Parking Spot, where Henry failed to take a ticket despite the old man attendant’s many demands of “Please sir, if you’re parking here, you need to take a ticket and the gate will go up,” like Henry is an alien on Earth for the first time. It was so embarrassing! Henry just kept talking to him and asking him dumb questions like it was tea and crumpet time.
Finally, after deeming he now had enough knowledge of the parking lot, he had to GET OUT OF THE CAR to get a ticket since he had driven past it. Such a fucking Griswald.
Then the guy told us to park in aisle “H, as in Henry” and I was like, “That’s his name!” in my head because I knew no one would care.
You would think these instructions would be clear enough but Henry managed to overthink it. “Should I pull in BEFORE the H, or AFTER?”
OMFG.
“Before” – clearly.
Almost immediately, “Paul” came by with the Spotted Shuttle, and our ride in to the airport was short and uneventful.
But then it was check-in time and Henry insisted on doing self-check-in which required the assistance of an airport person TWICE. It was so cringey. And then he couldn’t even put the tag on his luggage! CHOOCH even accomplished this “difficult” task without help!
Oh, I wanted to die.
We only had to wait in security for about 30 minutes and I was like, “I need my boarding pass,” but Henry knows everything and said I didn’t so of course the TSA guy was like &^%$$. It was so stressful. This is why I hate flying.
So we had our 6th fight of the morning but I have coffee now and we ate at Brueggers so that should keep us happy for a second.
I miss Bambi so much ): —-Chooch
Henry is sitting several seats away from us, staring off into the ether. Also, I realized in Brueggers why I hate him today – HE’S NOT WEARING A HAT.
7:05am: Chooch and I just came back from a spirited walk. We pissed around in the kids zone like the children we are.
We came back and Henry was like, “Thank god” but not because he missed us; it was because he had to pee probably because he immediately got up and left. We didn’t watch his seat for him though and some broad immediately took it haha.
Now two old ladies are behind us sharing recipes loudly. “And I put in some mushroom soup and peas…” Henry’s ears are perking up. He can’t us when we’re RIGHT next to him, but he can fucking hear some old bitches one row over yapping about Good Housekeeping recipe hacks.
7:36am: We just boarded and Chooch is acting like he was raised in a mountain somewhere and this is first glimpse of civilization.
There’s an older couple in the seats behind us and the man reminds me of if Jeffrey Tamblin just came out of the woods and he is so mad because the flight attendant told him that his carryon wasn’t going to fit in the overhead compartment the way he had it positioned and his wife is all, “Dear, just put it under the seat like the nice lady said,” and five minutes later he was still bitching about how “it’s just the stupidest thing!” and his wife is all, “What’s so stupid about it? It wouldn’t fit!”
7:55am: About to take off. Couple behind us still talking about The Bag.
8:13am: We just took off and luckily I have the couple behind us distracting me. “Jeffrey” spotted their car in the extended parking lot and now his wife is loudly broadcasting the speed of the plane and the altitude, which is in meters.
“I hate meters,” Jeffrey said with contempt.
8:50am: Henry thinks he’s so cool because he’s watching some dumb Marvel movie. OK Hank.
I just asked Chooch if he wants to read this and he said no. NO?? When I was his age and journaling on vacation, my family begged to read it! BEGGED!
Wife just announced again how fast the plane is going and the altitude.
“We’re going down,” she said casually let loudly because that’s her only volume.
“You should never say ‘we’re going down,” Jeffrey scolded equally as loudly. “It’s ‘descending.'” Yeah, Wife.
Chooch just said, “You have a bald spot,” and I panicked because why? no! But he was talking to Henry, whew.
Now the couple is singing some fucking campfire song about Indiana.
“Chicago doesn’t look that big from up here,” wife just cried.
“It’s not Chicago,” Chooch and I mouthed in tandem.
She did, however, point out that crazy temple we visited last summer so that was cool.
About to land now. 0.0
I’m so glad this couple narrated the entire flight.
One flight down! Or, survived, I should say. I just wiped my clammy palm on Henry and he yelled, “That’s disgusting!” Wow, thanks for being my pillar of strength….and dishtowel.
Chooch is furiously digging through his backpack in search of his applesauce pouches that Henry ALLEGEDLY packed but he can’t find it. I told him to chill out because it’s not that big of a deal and he said, “Applesauce is AMAZING.” Now he and Henry are sniping at each other about it over top of me. IT IS LITERALLY JUST APPLESAUCE.
“It’s not JUST applesauce. It’s CINNAMON applesauce.” – Chooch.
“Abby said the toilet is overfilling. She said that at 6:50am. She said she will Facetime if she can’t figure out the car light. I don’t know how to do that,” Wife just announced behind us.
Please let us off this plane.
(PRESENT DAY ERIN HERE: luckily I still have the pictures of THE COUPLE on my phone, so here they are.)
9:35am: So we got off the plane and everything seemed to be going smoothly which is hilarious because we’re the Kelly/Robbins family. We made it to the shuttle thing that we needed to get to the international terminal and Chooch got on it just as the doors were closing, like just ran ahead of us and leapt through the closing doors and then cruised away without us! It was the scariest thing, like in a movie, watching your child just drift away. I was basically pooping my pants but Henry was laughing?!?! “I’d be worried if we had a dumb kid, but he’s pretty smart, so.” Wow OK. Anyway, there were 2 older guys on the shuttle who held up their hands and mouthed, “Terminal 5” because that’s where they were going too or so we thought. Turns out one of the guys stayed with Chooch on the platform until we got there and then he got back on the shuttle to continue on. How nice of him to get off at Terminal 5 to wait with Chooch! I asked Chooch if they talked and he said not really, lol.
And then things got all frantic again because Henry checked in online but the lady was like THESE DON’T SCAN so we had to go to the Korean Air desk and the whole experience just made me feel like we did something wrong, like she was going to say, “I’m sorry, but we don’t have seats for you, these tickets are invalid.” But everything ended up find and then we made it thru security OK except Chooch had to dig through his bag and take out all of his applesauce. (Yes, he found it, lol.) And fruit snacks! I was like, “I’m not waiting for this, bye” because all of my shit was together!
Now we’re just sitting here charging our phones and Henry got me an iced latte so I feel kind of better but just get me to Korea, honestly.
Chooch and I just pointed out that Henry has stains on his shirt and he defiantly said he doesn’t care then stormed off, maybe to buy a new shirt or set himself on fire.
“They have, um, Flaming Hot….um……I forget now,” Henry said over a mouthful of Flaming Hot Cheetohs. He adds so much to the conversation.
10:45am: Chooch is shaming Henry for eating more than the recommended serving size of Cheetohs. Guess he just wants those dad jeans to have less sag.
Also, still over an hour before we can board. Just sitting here in this boring ass food court trying to stay awake, help.
12:30pm: Had another passport crisis compliments of Henry the Dunce. But now we’re on board and preparing for take off. Chooch got cool kids headphones and Pororo coloring book. Jealous :(
Also, Henry broke his TV remote thing immediately after we got our seats.
2:44pm: Eleven hours to go! We had lunch already. Chooch got a kids meal and I got the veg. option which was some kind of curry thing and it was fine but I wish I had gotten the regular bibimbap because I could have easily just scooped out the meat, ugh. That’s what Henry ended up getting and it smelled DIVINE. I kept fanning the fumes toward my face and he let me squeeze the gochujang on it. UGH. I’m still jealous.
The flight attendants are so pretty and there’s a small kid screaming but it’s not even bothering me because….Korea.
We just got our arrival card and custom declaration. Chooch and I filled our out but Henry waved it off and said, “I have 11 hours.” OK Hank. Let’s see you fuck this up, too!
I have this crippling bathroom phobia & I’m starting to really have to pee but I’m afraid to because what if I can’t get the door open or some other unknown is waiting for me?! I asked Henry to go scope it out but he’s being ridiculous and said there are too many people over there right now. OK tough guy.
5:25PM: guys, I did it! I went to the bathroom. Henry went first and then showed me how to open the door. Also I couldn’t find where to put my paper towel so now it’s wadded-up on my lap. Alsox2, I thought I slept for a long time but it was only an hour.
7:46pm: I started watching the K-drama “This is My Love” and it has so many people in it that I know! I hope that it’s on Drama Fever (Ed.Note: RIP DramaFever) or Netflix so that I can finish it at home. I watched the first two episodes and now I think I honestly need to sleep. 6 more hours, woo! Chooch looked at the map a few minutes ago and we wee only just over Alaska?! How is Alaska that far away?! Geography stumps me every time.
12:23am: Really it’s like 2:23pm I think but my phone hasn’t switched time zones yet. ANyway, every time I started to fall asleep, HENRY would bump me or essentially just encroach on my personal space and then there were times when his headphones were so loud that I could hear it, I just stopped him from incessantly crinkling a plastic wrapper and he snapped, “God, you’re so touchy!” Well, shit, maybe if that motherfucker had let me sleep more than 15 minutes at a time!
Also, I love Korea but Korean Air’s idea of vegetarian meals is something a nursing home would feed a dying diabetic. Henry got cake with his dinner! Vegetarians can eat cake!
We have 1:36hr left on this flight. I have to pee but there’s a line and I don’t stand in no piss line, bitches. So I’m just sitting here stubbornly and making Henry turn around to tell me a line stander update. He’s not taking his job seriously.
Meanwhile, Chooch spilled about 1/4 of a cup of water on his leg and his acting like it’s acid.
7:57pm and we’re in our upgraded Hotel Atrium room because dumbass Henry only booked a room with two twin beds and then tried to argue with the guy at the desk about it. This was after he tried to get off the airport shuttle at the wrong stop and it was nearly an international disaster – the driver was super hyper about Henry’s error and Henry didn’t have the hotel address in Hangul in spite of how many times I told him that it was 100% necessary. An older man actually said, “Aisssssh!!!” (not good when a Korean says this) and started to get up to intervene but the driver was like, “no no no” and made him sit back down.
Our stop was NOWHERE near the one Henry tried to get off at, but luckily the AISSSSSH ahjussi sat behind Henry and told him he was getting off at the same stop and could help us. This was such a blessing because we’d probably still be wandering around helplessly.
***
And now we were officially in Korea! Many more opps for Henry to eff up! Henry’s Eff Opps!
Anyway, I’m tired of transcribing, but just know that we had more hotel mishaps that night but luckily, everything went up from there. I can’t believe it’s been FIVE YEARS.