May 052009

classof97paintingWhen the alumni of Picklepepper High School’s class of ’97 reunited last fall on Principal Cattleslaughter’s barge, it was pretty much to be as expected.

Marsha Middlefinger, whose papa took the award in 1995 for Most Botched Breast Augmentations by an unlicensed surgeon, stood in the corner fortuitously spritzing silicone at the handflute player of the Inner Circle cover band.

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Not shocking in the least.

Over by the punch bowl, Preston Prissy (who had been in every musical and was a regular attendee to all of the varsity wrestling matches) was wearing plaid and giving a tugjob to Chad McMasculine, who was the star quarterback and current owner of a frigid size 2 trophy wife.

No one did a double take.

Brandon Ivanavich, who had all female friends, cried over Days of Our Lives, and loved experimenting with new shades of eyeliner, was now Brandy Ihaveaclit.

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Patty Prayer, who led after-school Bible studies and protested at the abortion clinic, brought her eighteen children to the reunion because her husband had left her for someone who used birth control and Patty felt babysitters were Satan’s adoption agents.

All of which was predicted by the yearbook committee.

And then Sharona Shameless sauntered onto the barge, leading behind her a bloated-breasted Mexican milkmaid on a rope. Sharona cupped a lactating boob and suckled heartily.

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Someone dropped their highball glass of Zima on the rusted floor of the barge, and the room was sent into an uproar. Finally, the alumni had managed to find themselves in shocked awe.

Sharona had always been lactose-intolerant.

Say it don't spray it.

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