Sometimes I consider saying “again” like I’m British. Like Robert Smith in “The Forest.” Again and again and again and again and….? Again! You got it, good for you.
Anyway, Janna arrived a little while ago and immediately became Alisha’s little sycophant and I’m like, “Um bitch, are you for realz? You should be catering to the girl chained to the computer right now, not MEAN ALISHA!!” Like, Alisha will say something totally contrary, as she’s wont to do, and Janna will be all, “OMG I THOUGHT THE SAME THING. I TOTALLY THOUGHT ERIN SAID ‘summer’ NOT ‘supper’!!! HERE PLZ TAKE ONE OF MY KIDNEYS I LOVE YOU LET’S DRINK EACH OTHERS BLOOD!”
And then they were making me jealous, watching Degrassi without me, when suddenly (SUDDENLY!) Alisha’s new landlord, whom I crushed on briefly until I realized he was gay-to-the-gay, called to tell her that her keys are ready, so Janna offered to be her jitney and away they went, two whole miles away to Beechview. In their absence, I seriously considered making my own Lake Sammamish in my backyard, which will be the location of Janna’s future murder. And then I will secretly call sandwiches “sammamishes” and giggle psychotically every time I bite into my cheese on whole wheat. And only you guys will know. And it will be our little esoteric sandwich club. And if anyone goes to the media, they’ll be the next vacationers to Erin’s Lake Sammamish.
With them gone, it is very quiet here. I mean, aside from the fact that Oceana is roaring from my speakers.
If there was a way to embrace silence, I would have succeeded by now. I’d have taken that hug and gone all the way with silence. I’d be pregnant with little ear plugs right now, that’s how hard and unprotected I’d have banged silence.
While they were gone, I fed Alisha’s dog french fries, which made my cat Don act like he was jealous and I was all, “Hello Don, the last time you ate people food was never.” And then I shoved the coffee table out of the way and jump-roped.
My jump rope’s name is Jonny. I named him after Jonny Craig from Emarosa, which I’m sure would delight him if he knew.
And these are some of the things I do when I’m alone: plot murders and jump rope. Sometimes simultaneously.
Ok. So now that Alisha isn’t around, we can talk.
She IS mean, isn’t she!?!?!? And, the fact of the matter is that I’m NEVER mean to her. I don’t understand. Can someone explain it to me? Do you know why, Erin? Pleaze tell me if you do!
I hope she never sees this….. maybe I’ll bring food over just in case. And, a Bonzi toy. That’ll help. Ya know?