Jun 212018

I have two lacerations (some might call them “just cuts”) on my right hand from a soju cap so that pretty much sums up my weekend. Anyway, that’s NEITHER HERE NOR THERE because today’s lowly anticipated blog post is about the latest exciting law firm happenings. I mean, the ones that I can share without getting fired, anyway.


Debby found a lightning bug on her desk and I was like, “aw yay a lightning bug” and then she was like, “Should I take my shoe off and kill it?” and I cried, “NOOOOO!” but then thankfully Nate came out of his office, scooped the poor bug up into a napkin, and released it outside like a true superhero.

I seriously had a heart-palp over this whole thing.


(Huge bonus points to you if you heard David Bowie singing in your head when you read that.)

Before I went outside for my daily walk yesterday, I grabbed an umbrella from the Extra Umbrella Stash in a drawer behind Marlene’s desk. I just found out a year ago that this stash exists and then I got yelled at for telling other people without first making them do a Trust Fall, but all of the umbrellas are still accounted for, so I guess my work friends are trustworthy after all.

Even Todd!

Anyway, I grabbed an umbrella because according to my phone, it was probably going to rain at some point while I was out there, but the unfortunate part of the weather app is that it didn’t tell me that it wouldn’t matter if I had EIGHT umbrellas, it was going to be THAT kind of a rainfall.

And of course it started five minutes after I left the office. It came down so fast and hard, as though the sky literally split in half and God employing every industrial strength hose he could find in Heaven to give us a good tough reminder that he could flood us into extinction if WE DON’T STOP PUTTING KIDS IN CAGES.

I mean, it was raining hard, ya’ll.

I ducked into a parking garage for refuge and figured I’d just walk around in there for a bit to at least continue getting steps. I was on the phone with Henry during this, in case you need to check in and verify my story so far.

After about a minute, some older man in a red polo came over and asked me if I needed directions and I was like, “Nope, just hiding from the rain” and he was all “*hearty chuckle*” but then he asked me again, a few minutes later, if I needed help finding my car and I was like, “STILL NO, BUDDY” so I kept walking further underground to get away from him but then some guy was getting out of his car and following me and we were the only people down there on that level and I LOST CELL SERVICE–I thought for sure I was going to die, so I ran into the nearest stairwell and ran all the way back up to the first level where I bumped right into Red Polo Man again.

“Which building are you trying to get to?” he asked, so I told him and he frowned.

“Hmm, well, you can’t get all the way there underground, but you could get to the Gateway buildings across the street if you wanted to.”

“UNDERGROUND?!” I asked incredulously. I was totally perking up at this prospect.

“Yeah, if you go down a level, it’ll take you right under the street to those buildings over there,” he said, pointing out of the garage to the Gateway buildings across the street, which wasn’t getting me any closer to my office but hello, I wanted to walk underground, so I asked him for directions again and set off down the stairs and through a revolving door, which put me into this fucking creepy hallway:

There was some type of power fan that was on, filling the hallway with a loud blowing noise, and of course the only other people in there were questionable-looking men, so I thought for sure I was going to be on the news that night. Luckily, no one bothered me and I made it all the way through the winding walkway and through another set of doors, buy Red Polo Shirt’s directions didn’t go any further than “follow the hallway to the end” so I was like, “DOODOODOO WHICH WAY DO I GO, WHICH WAY DO I GO.

” Every door had DANGER WARNING ALARM NOT FOR REGULAR PEOPLE written all over them and I was freaking the fuck out, man. Freaking the FUCK out.

Well, I’m a mole person, now. This is where I live, I thought to myself, shutting down and accepting defeat after 30 seconds because that’s my limit of resourcefulness.

But then some older lady in McDonald’s attire came from somewhere, a sewer maybe, I wasn’t watching, and I cried, “I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO.”

“You trying to go outside?” she asked in some type of European accent that I became obsessed with immediately. I nodded like a cartoon puppy being asked if he wants to go for a walk, and she said, “That’s where I’m going, gotta catch my bus, so you can follow me” and she put me onto an elevator WHICH I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT TO USE BECAUSE THERE WASN’T A SIGN THAT TOLD ME TO.

She pushed the button for the lobby and said, “They don’t make it easy to figure out how to get out of here,” and I wish I had recorded her saying that because no one is going to believe that this was so difficult.

The elevator dropped us off in the lobby of Gateway 3 and even then, I wouldn’t have known which way to go! Thank god for my new guardian.

By the time I got back to work, my clothes were soaked all the way through and I felt like shit for the rest of the afternoon.

But then Debby told me that she thinks you can also get to one of the trolley stations from under that parking garage so now I want to go back and explore this further.


Yesterday, Carrie ordered a bunch of bagels from Au Bon Pain and put them on the snack table. A little bit later, I emailed Glenn and Todd and told them that there were bagels there, because I wasn’t sure if they knew.

Todd replied and said he saw them but wasn’t sure if they were for a meeting or something, and I was like, “OK this is a valid quandary,” so I verified with Carrie that yes, they were there for the taking. She said she didn’t want to put them in the kitchen because then that left them vulnerable to non-departmental people who also use the kitchen on our floor.

Several other people started emailing me about the bagels because I apparently am The One Who Knows About the Bagels, and I was starting to think that maybe an email needed to be sent because the people on the other side of the floor might not ever see them, but just then, Debby suggested to Carrie that she should send an email so I was like OH THANK GOD because I hate sending departmental emails. One time, one of the ladies in another department on our floor came back from a meeting and brought extra sandwiches back with her and said, “Hey can you send out an email to your department and let them know these sandwiches are up for grabs?” and I re-wrote that fucking email for 15 minutes like it was a goddamn resignation letter and not just, “Hi Tracy says to help yourselves to the sandwiches by the kitchen.” By the time I was done, it basically just said “sandwiches. kitchen. get ’em.”

The first time I ever sent an email to the department was about the printer being down AND I SPELLED IT “PRINT” INSTEAD OF “PRINTER” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND WANTED TO QUIT. Yes, that was 8 years ago and it still clearly keeps me up at night, FIGHT ME.

Anyway, Carrie was like, “Sue didn’t tell me to send an email but FINE I WILL SEND ONE” because she too knows the annoyances of sending all-department emails especially when you start getting snarky replies sent to you and it’s like ISN’T ‘DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER’ IMPLIED?!

Meanwhile, Todd was hashtagging this as #bagelwatch in his correspondence to me. He didn’t want to be the first one to get a bagel, and Carrie was like, “DON’T YOU DARE TAKE HIM ONE!” so instead I just emailed him and said, “COLLEEN JUST GOT A BAGEL. COLLEEN BROKE THE BAGEL SEAL. ALL CLEAR TO GET A BAGEL.”

By afternoon, the bagel situation had just about died down but then I happened to catch a glimpse of some STRANGER from another floor helping himself to one of our bagels! He even gave it a hearty smear of cream cheese like it ain’t no thang, like he wasn’t stealing the property of another department, like that wasn’t someone’s lunch he was scarfing, and then he took it into the conference room on our floor and ate it while talking on the phone and looking out the window!

I have no idea who that thief was but he is so freaking lucky that Debby wasn’t at her desk when that happened because she is the Guardian of the Snack Table and she has no qualms about telling passers-by to drop the Twinkie and back away from the table.

#bagelwatch indeed.


Well guys, that’s all for today. We leave tomorrow morning for KCON! It’s in Newark again (boo) but I’ll probably liveblog on the way there because I have been feeling so nostalgic for road trips lately!

P.S. Semi-work-related: Wendy and I had lunch at Villa Reale with BARB today and she said she’s impressed that I’m still obsessed with k-everything and that this might be the longest I’ve ever been obsessed with something and Wendy quickly interjected to say, “No–Jonny Craig” and then they both admitted that Taemin is super beautiful, the most gorgeous man in the whole world, even (well, second to Tom Jones, if you ask Barb).

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