Feb 192010

Here are some things that are currently attaching themselves to my mental health like tassels to a stripper’s nipples. And not pretty tassels either, but macrame ones that someones blind grandma made in a nursing home in Ypsilanti. Skip if you’re a fan of the sanctity of marriage, figure skating, and Sarah Palin.

Tiger Woods: Am I the only one not offended by his actions? I don’t feel that I was entitled to an apology and you shouldn’t feel that way either. Let him apologize to his family and be done with it, OK? Maybe it’s my dried-up well of morals speaking for me here, but I don’t give a shit who he fucked. It’s not my business. He can fuck whoever he wants for all I care, so long as it’s not a child or an animal. If he wants to fuck your grandfather in a barn while hens peck chicken feed off his ass, and your grandfather consents? Beautiful.

Perhaps he should have not been married before indulging his weener in such a vaginal buffet, but still. Not my business.

Get a fucking life. Go find a fucking whale to save or some shit. Go get laid and stop concerning yourself about into whom Tiger dips his wick. If he was a basketball player, ESPN would be trying to get a bronze cast of his cock.

And now there’re these assholes out there who are don’t want the debacle to end, so they’re going to start lighting pyres of angry entitlement and shout that, oh my GOD, how dare he schedule this disgustingly unnecessary public apology DURING THE OLYMPICS. He took away from the all the events that are billed as live, but guess what my friends? NBC IS NOT AIRING THIS SHIT LIVE. I know who wins what color medal and at what fucking time, hours before NBC decides to get off its rich, lazy ass to show us, all while acting surprised as though it’s happening in real time.

And speaking of the Olympics!

Who the fuck is in charge of the hockey coverage? Because I missed nearly the entire first period of both Team Canada games because CNBC (or whatever the equivalent is to the lunch table for NBC bastard channels  unloved hockey was relegated to) decided they needed to show bonus coverage of curling. And on top of that, they cut to commercial whenever they felt like it, TV time outs be damned, only to return to a game in the middle of power play for a penalty that was never shown; or, my personal favorite – returning from a commercial with a completely different SCORE. But I mean really, who watches hockey to see goals? I watch for the AMAZING commentary by the AMAZING NBC announcers.

Really, the only way NBC could fuck up their Olympic hockey coverage any more would be if they had Jay Leno announcing.

Figure skating. Why? Why does it have to be so douchey. I feel like when I was a kid I actually enjoyed it, but now I watch it for more than thirty seconds at a stretch and I feel like I’m watching Liberace go down on my grandma.

Those skaters are fucking assholes. Arrogant and snotty. I keep hearing about how some Russian douchebag on skates (no, not Alex Ovechkin; this Russian douchebag has his questionable ballsack ensconced in sparkly spandex) is bitching about scoring being unfair or some bullshit and it’s like, who does that? I mean, besides me if I were an Olympic loser. I guess bitching about not getting the gold is the new Olympic sport.

Speaking of douches with sparkly spandexed ballsacks, why is Sarah Palin still around? Has no one thought to mistake her for a wolf and shoot her aerially? Usually I can just tune her out, turn the channel, plug my ears and hum, but her latest publicity headlock made me laugh because as usual, she succeeds in making herself look like a complete you-betcha hick-cunt asshole piece of shit, this time by voicing her outrage of a Family Guy episode that featured a character with Down Syndrome. It really set me off, and I found myself ranting about her to Henry The Great Conservative to the point where it felt like a game of Space Invaders was in session inside my chest. I don’t generally like to get involved in political rants because I fear it’s horrible for my health, and I’ve had this Sarah Palin shit clogging my arteries for a few years now.

You know, I’d like to pay someone to rape her and then laugh when she has to pay for her rape kit.

I’d be screwed if I had to pay for my own rape kit, because I’m going to be unemployed again real soon here. Oh yeah, that’s right. You know how Henry was breathing down my neck to get a job, and being so emphatic that if I had to get a daytime job, he’d work it out with his boss and for me not to worry?

Yeah, that lasted two weeks. Today, Henry had to go back to the office for a meeting in the afternoon, wherein his boss handed out new job descriptions to everyone. In Henry’s, it states that he now he has to stick to a more rigid shift of 6am-3:30pm.

Which means I’m faced with the awkward task of giving notice at a job that I only just started, a job where I was told today that I could “have a bright future.” Sure, that made me laugh in my head, but really – when was the last time something like that was said to me?

I came home from work today to find the house looking like a crime scene and Mr.

Mom stationed at the computer, playing online poker. “Every Conservative’s dream,” said my friend Matt when I tweeted about it.

Maybe I should just consider Bedazzling a soapbox and grabbing a spot on Public Access.

  8 Responses to “some hearty haranguing”

  1. I love every single thing about this, except the part where you have to quit your job. You pretty much summed up exactly what I was thinking on a majority of topics. But, you know, better.

    • I’m glad to know I’m not alone!

      Have you been watching any of the Olympic hockey? It bothers me that so many of the teams are made up solely of NHL players. It seems unfair, like they should have drawn from the college pool. That doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying watching it though!

  2. (hugs) I expressed the same outrage about Tiger Woods to Paul at 7:30 this morning where the news on tv and online was waiting with bated breath for his effing apology.
    It all sucks and I’m sorry about your job. Maybe they’ll work around the new schedule?
    I knew something drastic had to be going on if you were distracted enough that you let me beat you at Words with Friends.
    Keep yelling, I still love you tons.

    • One of my friends brought up the point that as long as gay people are going to get crucified for “ruining” the sanctity of marriage, then Tiger Woods should be held to the same standard for doing the same thing. I never thought of it that way. But it still, I don’t think it should have ever blown into the proportions that it has! I feel like this is why so many Americans don’t really know what’s going on in the world (unless it involves America) because our news outlets are so busy wasting time covering shit like this!

      It makes me angry.

      I don’t know what I’m going to do about this job. Henry ended up just getting a part time side job, so now he’s like, “Look you don’t have to work!” but I would still like to have SOMETHING to do to help out around here so I can stop feeling so worthless, lol!

      I love you tons, too. <3

  3. I’m sorry to hear about your job. I know it was your dream or anything but having to quit like that is rough.

    • Thanks, Michelle! It is rough. I don’t like quitting, and would like to at least give my two weeks but I’m not sure if Henry’s boss is going to be OK with two more weeks of Henry’s split-shifting.

      The worst part about it for me though is that my friend’s mom is the one who helped me get this job. So now I’m going to look like an unreliable asshole, when I know that I’m not.

  4. I, personally, was waiting and waiting for the day that Tiger Woods would finally apologize to ME for cheating on his wife. I think I at least deserve that much.

    I think you guys should get our Canadian channels down there, we get all of the networks plus a lot of the cable channels. Who cares if most of our shows are exactly what you guys show? The cable company can cut into the feed to make sure you see all the American commercials. And besides then you’d get to see our communist state-run news and Corner Gas and Hockey Night in Canada. Not to mention Dragon’s Den, which is the totally superior to the American ripoff, Shark Tank! And that’s about it really. They don’t even play the old Degrassi repeats up here anymore. :(

  5. Omg… wow were you pissed! Tho, I agree with everything you said. Sometimes I feel guilty for laughing at your rants. Of course I cru when they are directed at me.

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