Jul 082008

I’m looking for awesome salads. I’ve been eating salads for lunch every single dingdong day since like, mother fucking piece of shit April, and I’m burnt out. BURNT THE FUCK OUT. I’m tired of alfalfa sprouts and garbanzo beans. The flax seed stays, though.

I need options. Something exotic, erotic and mind-bending. Something without meat products.

Tell me how you make your salads. Give me secret family recipes. Anything that involves vodka and porn is a plus.

Otherwise, I’ll fall back on cheese sandwiches and get all bloated.

Things I do not like in my salads:

  • beets
  • radishes
  • onions (sometimes those purple fuckers are ok)
  • tomatoes (unless they’re cut up all tiny)
  • carrots, unless they’re as shredded as the jeans on the collective ass of 1980s heavy metal
  • dressings that do not include oil and vinegar
  • broccoli
  • urine

I really like ingredients that are not only hard for Henry to procure, but also hard on his wallet. And then I’ll write up some reviews maybe and possibly become a salad expert and get to do some whoring on Food Network.

  24 Responses to “Salad S.O.S.”

  1. my only suggestion currently is add some artichoke hearts…

    and horse semen.

    • I’m over the whole artichoke heart thing. I ate them too often and got tired of them.

      Horse semen, on the other hand….I bet it would make a delicious dressing if mixed with some poppyseeds.

  2. My favorite salad when I eat out is the Chicken Sonoma Valley salad at Kelsey’s. You could make it without the chicken and tomatoes, what’s great about it is the seeds and nuts, and FETA. I’ll eat dog shit if it has feta cheese on it.

    From the website description: “Mixed greens, fresh tomato wedges and red peppers with cashews, almonds, raisins, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, croutons and Feta cheese in a zesty honey citrus vinaigrette.”

    I also like those warm spinach salads you can get everywhere but I don’t know how it would taste without the bacon. Do you eat eggs? It’s also made with hard boiled eggs and sauteed mushrooms, with vinaigrette dressing. Yum.

  3. 1. do you like fruit in your salads?
    2. I would die of happiness if you were on TV.

  4. I had a salad last week with dried cranberries, almonds, sunflower seeds, and feta on spinach…..

  5. How the hell are you a vegetarian when you don’t like vegetables.

    “Things I do not like in my salads:

    onions tomatoes
    broccoli ”

    You suck at being a vegetarian!

  6. Random things I love on my salads:

    Hearts of palm (my absolute FAVE!!!)
    Hard boiled egg
    Chinese rice crackers (the salty kind)
    Wasabi peas
    Grapes (halved for ease of eating)
    Granny smith apples
    Lots of radicchio (tastes very very bitter)

  7. My favourite salad includes the following (though most people think I’m crazy).

    Lettuce (chopped up REALLY small or shredded)
    Carrots (shredded, and only a little)
    Honey Roasted Peanuts
    cold corn kernels
    Cottage cheese mixed with Avocado (mushed up like guacamole, but not guacamole)
    shredded cheddar
    dried apple pieces
    broken pretzel sticks
    sunflower seeds
    honey mustard dressing.

    It sounds disgusting, but I would live on it if I could.

  8. I recommend roasted red peppers, chickpeas, olives and hearts of palm. Maybe not all together though.

    • Thanks! I have NEVER had hearts of palm, but want to try it. Where can I get them?

    • I buy cans of them at Trader Joe’s. They are so delicious, I even eat them alone with some balsamic vinegar and pepper. I’d bet you can find them at a Giant Eagle, too. I hope you like!

  9. What about some fresh spinach, dried cranberries, walnuts and some other stuff you like with a citrus-based dressing?

    I know you said you don’t like onions, but what about those french fried ones that come in the can? I love those little bastards.

  10. Lettuce (preferable from a bag)
    Dressing (cheap ranch,always good)
    Pepper (in that little tin can)
    Parmesian Cheese (if there’s any left in the fridge of course)

    Bam! there’s you salad. Quite good if i do say so myself

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