Jun 222009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 18:20 The first person to ever commit suicide must have had a three-year-old. #
  • 18:43 Making a list of “accidents.” #
  • 19:07 “I don’t know how Henry wound up vivisected, in a pot of soup, wearing a Mexican necktie, Officer. Must have been some sort of accident.” #

  • 14:05 Silent Library just might be my new favorite show & I feel no shame. My new goal is to be on it. #
  • 20:12 Dear Diary, I can’t wait for the day my son is old enough to go outside alone & play, & I can stay in the house & mainline Draino. xoxo. #
  • 21:18 The combined forces of Chooch & #thingieball just broke my knuckle, I think. #
  • 21:37 Oh boy, that’s a positive. #phrasesthatcouldmakethistheworstdayever #
  • 22:53 I’m grateful humans were built w/ the capability to summon shrill shrieks from voice boxes. Toddlers (or myself) just wouldn’t be the same. #

  • 09:34 My wrist feels like there’s a burning knife pressed against it & I’m freaking out. #
  • 14:08 Maternity wards should hand out white flags as a consolation to new mothers. #
  • 15:12 The Kennywood trolley has passed my house twice today, leaving a trail of calliope notes in its wake. TWO MORE DAYS! #
  • 15:13 And now I can’t stop thinking about Calliope from Days of Our Lives, circa 1980s. She had a LIGHT UP WEDDING DRESS. She was my idol. #
  • 16:50 I wish Henry was Trey Songz. Or at least the same age as him. #
  • 17:07 Chooch: “What are u doing?” Me: “A dance I just created from sheer Awesome.” Chooch: “You’re blocking the TV” Who’s the 3year old, indeed #
  • 18:54 Making Janna watch Silent Library & dying all over again. Watching someone eat a sweaty man’s spaghetti shoelaces never gets old. #
  • 21:37 Janna was almost able 2 pee alone in my house for the 1st time in 4mths, but Chooch caught her in his peripheral as she crept up the steps. #

  • 13:51 Really need to learn how to delete speed dial entries so I can stop purse-dialing assholes I hate. God forbid they should think I care. #
  • 14:01 Yes, roll up next to me in your car that’s vibrating with the basslines of Eminem. & if that didn’t impress me, an eyeful of ur boxers will #
  • 14:37 Dear Etsy, thank you for providing me with adequate funds for a day at Kennywood, and also to feed my kid I guess. #
  • 19:09 Chooch: “What’s a rainbow?” Henry: “Something in the sky, or if it was on @saucalisha’s car, it would be on the bumper.” She didn’t deny it  #
  • 19:12 So I guess now that Chooch wears underwear, he’s too big to give his mother a kiss goodbye. #
  • 21:50 Two aversions I’ve created for my son by shrieking excitedly: hockey & firecrackers. #

  • 00:41 Apparently Alisha doesn’t like my car-dancing which is just very sad to me. When I started choking she asked if it was on my whiteness. BURN #
  • 09:48 Trying to convince Chooch that the Goblin King sings “Changes,” which is on the radio right now. He’s not buying it. #
  • 10:34 Alisha requested that I take a valium before we go to Kennywood today but I couldn’t get a hold of my dealer. Owellzorz. #
  • 14:31 Kennywood makes me feel bossy & militant, but there’s shit I need to do & everyone should follow w/o argument. #
  • 14:42 Alisha & Blake are abusive. I’m crying. On the inside. #
  • 14:42 I hate them. #
  • 14:55 twitpic.com/80zql – All of Henry’s shirts should be this cool. #
  • 15:59 Blake gleefully enjoying an afternoon jaunt upon a merry-go-round (after putting much thought into which horse to pick) is making me LOL. #
  • 18:26 We’re eating Potato Patch fries next to speakers pumping out frenetic techno & in my head this is a fry-eating video game & I’m on Level 2. #
  • 18:31 twitpic.com/81rtt – Oh shiiiiiiiiii—it’s about to get all a’juggle up in here #
  • 18:36 Asked Alisha if my new juggle-lover dropped a ball on purpose, she ANGRILY said “I’m not watching” b/c she’s against the juggling of objects #
  • 18:37 I want this guy to juggle Henry’s ballsack. Consider it a Father’s Day gift, you know? #
  • 18:47 Ok srsly me and this juggler need to get in my bed. Preferrably without Henry, but that could be fun if Henry didn’t get all needy. #
  • 21:34 Henry’s happy watching other people be happy. This is baffling to me. #
  • 10:09 I left my voice at Kennywood. Henry will cheer. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

(I like making up my own Twitter hash tags and then acting surprised when none of them catch on. It’s what I do.)

  2 Responses to “not even an amusement park can make my tweets amusing”

  1. Woman, seriously. Your twits, tweets, twitters, twatters, whatever the fuck they’re called? They keep me amused all day long. It makes me feel like I’m your best friend and privy to your thoughts.

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