Kept my tweets to a minimum @ the hockey game, wtf

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:30 Today, I’m pretending Lady Gaga is coming for dinner & Henry is making personal pumpkin pies in the shapes of spiked dildos. It’ll be fab. #
• 16:29 Seriously, how the fuck do you delete an Etsy shop?? I’m clearly too stupid to figure it out. #
• 17:27 My child won’t talk to me b/c he’s “tired of this shit, Mommy” but then he angrily spat “I love you, ok?!” I feel like I’m in a film noir. #
• 17:27 @MrsBsConfession that’s just absurd & insulting ! #
• 17:29 Witness! Check out my voice recording: voicesapp.com/sn4vwu #
• 20:15 Let’s go #pens! #
• 20:49 Chooch & I have a joint Xmas list & a Dippin’ Dot ice cream maker is definitely on it. #
• 22:25 I still don’t get WTF girls saw in Jaromir Jagr. Unless I just never learned the equation where mullet + snaggle-teeth = wet panties. #NHL #
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• 13:41 The lovely @mrsevils sure has a great way of lifting my spirits! I just got the motherlode from her; Chooch & I don’t know where to start! #
• 13:50 Ayo! Candy up in the hizzy! yfrog.com/33oanlj #
• 13:51 Double fisting. yfrog.com/4ad46dj #
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• 09:04 The more previews I see for MTV’s Teen Mom, the more similarities I see between them & my own parenting style. #
• 14:55 Our duplex is for sale & a realtor is walking someone thru it tonight. We tried to pretend I have h1n1 to deter them; mission failed. #
• 16:27 At least the situation has inspired Henry to clean. #
• 17:07 Chooch & Henry had an argument; now Chooch is collecting Henry’s personal effects to throw in the garbage. #
• 17:36 Chooch just gave a friendly & informative tour of our house all while in the comfort of his underroos. #
• 19:57 Hay look @ the dumb! Don’t Forget Your Holiday Cards: Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade noncompo… bit.ly/6CK9a2 #
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• 00:42 Christmas seems to be approaching so quickly, but December 30th feels so far away. #
• 01:29 1:26am and I called Henry upstairs to inspect the bedroom closet because I was sure I heard the neighbor crouching in there. #
• 01:33 Was told to turn up radio so not to fixate on the floor creaking under my killer. I’m coming to your house to sleep; I’ll bring a pillow. #
• 11:23 For the first time in the 12 yrs of living on my own, I’m getting a Xmas tree. This is a good way to end a shitty year. #
• 15:01 My 3year old can surf the Internet, shop on Etsy, buy apps for my iPhone but god forbid he should comprehend the proper way to play Memory. #
• 16:29 I hate Home Depot. I hate Home Depot. I hate Home Depot. #
• 16:37 Henry is crying because the tree I chose is far superior to his pathetic choice. yfrog.com/33456qj #
• 16:39 Even Chooch is helping secure the tree to the car roof while I stand worthlessly off to the side, tweeting. #
• 19:41 My two favorite hockey teams are playing against each other tonight. I love you Matt Duchene, but I gotta side with the #Pens. #
• 19:44 I will clap covertly under my pillow if Duchene scores, though. Don’t tell. #NHL #
• 19:58 Not sure what the proper response is when your 3yo says you make him nervous but laughing evidently was not the way to go. #
• 22:11 It’s going to be a true test telling these “Jersey Shore” assholes apart. Aside from that, I already love this show. But you knew that. #
• 22:31 Henry just learned the reason for my December 30th anticipation and duly frowned. Real World DC, holla! #
• 22:38 I’m preparing to go all Brady/Horton family on these ornaments. (That’s a DAYS OF O UR LIVES reference for those of you with lives.) #
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• 12:38 Henry reminded me how lucky I am that I don’t have to milk a cow every morning because i’d die. PERSPECTIVE. #
• 13:16 Henry, you can nap anytime. There are NHLicious Christmas tree ornaments waiting somewhere to be boughtededed. Let’s go. #
• 16:39 Had I lost my hearing in the factory explosion of ’81, I wouldn’t have the pleasure of hearing this Target broad call her kid moomoo cow. #
• 17:44 Nothing like the holiday season to bring out the aesthetically challenged. This might be the year I start ticketing Xmas light fouls. #
• 19:19 I need a brick, tin foil, Fixadent, a dead nun’s pacemaker, a slap bracelet & some Lee Press Ons. I’m making a tree topper, obviously. #
• 19:28 Watching Lach & Bouchard jerseys retired; they’re so old & cute it’s making me catch the humanity bug & cry a little. #NHL #
• 19:30 And I’m not sure they know they’r e at a hockey rink in Canada & not at God’s surprise party in Heaven’s really cold strip club. #
• 21:28 Hay look @ the dumb! Still thanks-giving, a week and a day later: In spite of everything going on with my grandma,… bit.ly/4Jcv8p #
• 21:44 It’s good to see the Canadiens playing so well on such a special night for them. Tim Thomas is going to skin albino babies after this one. #
• 21:46 When Henry came home at the start of the 2nd period, I joked that it was 6-0 instead of 1-0. 15minutes later & it very nearly is. Go Habs! #
• 22:46 Henry finally got his wish & will be partaking in a cookie exchange. I’m trying to lay low with the jokes because this benefits me well. #
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• 17:51 I’m going to a Pens game tonite; trying not to be too annoying abt it. Last time I went I was 17 & started a fight w/ 3 guys from Buffalo. #
• 17:54 The tree so far. Trying to coax Henry into donating a testicle to use as a tree topper. Not going so well. yfrog.com/33mtirj #
• 19:08 Holla!!!! yfrog.com/4fl87rj #
• 19:20 It smells so good in here. #
• 19:58 I guess it’s a standing tradition for fans of the opposing team to be sitting behind me. #
• 21:25 I could burst I have so many snide remarks building up. #
• 22:09 Little Chicago bitches behind me left. Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh. #pens #NHL #
• 22:50 Pens lost in overtime but goddamn was that a fun time. I didn’t even lose my temper at any Blackhawk fans. Not sure if maturity is to blame. #
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• 00:36 Realized my tree has a bunch of Stars of David dangling from its boughs. I need to represent some Kwanzaa now or I won’t be able to sleep. #
• 10:00 I would totally eat sausage for Giada DiLaurentis if she invited me to her holiday dinner party. #
• 12:14 Gun shot wound or jail t ime. I choose jail. Alisha would take the bullet. #
• 12:15 Although I also choose fashion over warmth. #
• 14:13 Alisha’s shitting on every toy I want for Xmas by saying it’s a waste of money; she’s telling Santa to get me a Hannah Montana throw. :( #

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