Sep 022020
 

I’m here to finish telling the tale of my Staycation Day 4 and as usual I teased that there would be lots of action & drama but come on, we all know hyperbole was my first word (OK, third, right after I’m obsessed).

So what happened was that we finished our Zenith feast and Chooch & I decided to walk to Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee. I know, I just spent half of my last post ranting about how Starbucks is sucks and believe me, DD’s specialty drinks are no better but if I’m getting just a plain hot coffee or an iced coffee, it’s fine. (But they do piss me off a lot with their inconsistencies!!)

(In fact, I just FILED A COMPLAINT the other day and have not yet heard back!? WHERE IS MY $3 REFUND.)

OK so we get to DD and Chooch goes in to fetch the drinks; we always order ahead on the app so that one of us can just run in all hunched over like we’re sidestepping through a COVID landmine, grab the drinks and split. I was waiting outside and noticed that Chooch had the drinks, but couldn’t leave because some man was blocking the door with a stroller. I used my HUMAN INSTINCTS to determine that he needed help exiting since he was trying to push open the door with his back, so I went inside the vestibule and grabbed the door for him like a good sweetheart. 

As soon as I opened the door, vulgar noise pollution from  inside the store came billowing out because EVIDENTLY that guy was in the middle of verbal fisticuffs with one of the DD workers! The first thing I heard was him hollering about calling the police and that something was harrassment and the cashier was like GO AHEAD AND CALL THE POLICE and then he was like YOU DUMB BITCH YOU WORK AT DUNKIN DONUTS YOU CUNT and I’m just standing there holding the door open while he backs out with a stroller that it is halfway on its side with a small child in it!!

Chooch followed him out and gave me this raised eyebrow smirk, like, “wow that was real cool” and I was just super angry because that dumb Eminem-look-alike motherfucker didn’t even thank me for holding the door!!!

ALSO, HIS SUPERMAN MASK WASN’T COVERING HIS STUPID COKE NOSE.

Chooch said it was real exciting being inside the store while the fight was happening. There were other people in there too, standing in line for their weak coffees and donuts, becoming accidental spectators of this white trash Yinzer row. According to Chooch, the fight had already started by the time he walked in and there were no context clues to help him construct the fight’s origin story. Dammit.

We couldn’t wait to go home and tell Henry what he had missed! We made it all the way back to our street, a block away, when it started storming – HARD. So now we were like WOW THIS DAY HAS REALLY HAD LOTS OF EXCITEMENT because when you’re in the midst of a pandemic you’ll take any kind of action that doesn’t involve hand-washing and mapping hotspots. 

Halfway into our block, we noticed that a huge tree branch had fallen on a car! And not just a parked car, but a car that was actually driving past the tree. We were like, “OH HOLY SHIT” because it looked like it could have been really bad, and then Chooch screamed “Oh shit do you think Dad knows?” and I was like, “I’m sure he already has a 911 boner” because Henry is like Mr. Neighborhood Watch, a professional Boy Scout. I’m actually surprised he never pursued a career as a 911 dispatcher or started his own grassroots Pioneer Avenue Patrol Squad. 

But as we got closer to our house, we realized that the front door was open, so I said, “Oh yeah, he must already be standing there watching” but Chooch cried, “NO HE’S OUT THERE, HAHAHAHA!!!!” 

Yep, of course he was out there in the thick of it! My favorite part? HNC let him borrow one of his windbreakers, so they were matching! Like they were the official Pioneer Ave Road Crew!!!

And then a truck came by and Henry got to perform his favorite duty of all time: GIVING DIRECTIONS TO A TRUCK DRIVER!!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH HENRY LOVES TO GIVE DIRECTIONS IN GENERAL, BUT IF THE LOST RECIPIENT OF SAID DIRECTIONS IS A BURLY TRUCK DRIVER, HENRY FEELS SO FULFILLED!!!

LOOK AT HIM DOING THAT THING!!!!

My other favorite part is that the whole time, he was holding the yard sign that Chooch got from his old school, congratulating him on graduating 8th grade. I thought he was using it as some sort of homemade traffic flag, but it turns out he was only holding it because the wind blew it into the street while everything else was happening and he got stuck holding it the whole time. It’s almost as good as when he was holding a baggie of raw chicken during another Pioneer Ave emergency. 

Sadly, Henry was not the one who actually through to 911!!! He tried to call when the branch first fell, but there was a high call volume so he hung up and directed traffic again. HNC’s wife was the one who eventually got through – I bet Henry gave himself a good old-fashioned flagellation that night. 

Anyway, once the cops rolled up, Henry was like, “I GUESS MY JOB HERE IS DONE” and let the “professionals” have at it. But HNC stayed out there! And then when some dude rolled up with a chainsaw to start sawing the tree, HNC brought out brooms and helped the cops sweep the debris off the street! What a suck-up!! 

(I can’t believe Henry didn’t stick around with this heroic custodial work. Instead, he stood on the porch and criticized the chainsaw guy; I can’t remember what for, poor form or something? His slowness at getting the chainsaw started? Henry was salty about something.)

I guess I should have mentioned way back there somewhere in the beginning that the family inside the car was fine, albeit very shaken. Henry said it was a family of three and the mom was in the backseat holding a small kid, so thank god the branch landed where it did!

“HNC came over and thanked me for my help afterward, but I was the one who was out there first!” Henry ranted later that night in a very rare fit of jealousy. Usually Henry is like the ultimate at altruism, but I guess even the most noble heroes want a little credit every now and then. 

We let Henry sit on the porch and cruise Reddit on his phone for the rest of the night. He earned it.

Literally just the other day we were talking about how nothing exciting has happened on our street lately but I guess no one thought to knock on wood. 

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