I mean, as super and stuffed as a weekend during a pandemic can possibly be, which isn’t really much but as I sit here on HINDSIGHT tuffet, it really does feel like a decent amount of stuff happened and you know me, always keeping the ol’ LOG updated for alibi accuracy.
So come on, Mary. Let’s do it bulletpoint-style.
- I almost forgot to make the Christmas card for my boss Amber which I strong-armed my team into jumping on video call in order for me to get a screenshot of our BIG SMILING FACES (lol at Todd who apparently was having audio issues and had no idea what was going on, oops). I mean, I had it designed, it just needed printed so Henry did that on Saturday along with the million other cards he had to make from our actual card shop and then we walked to the post office, which is basically our Saturday morning ritual because our lives are SO EXCITING. On the way there he was being SUCH A FUCKING DICKHEAD TO ME. Literally whiteknighting everything that I was against, being contrary to my every opinion, and EW YOU GUYS, I was feeling it. So I started yelling at him for being shitty and JUST THEN, a huge clump of snow slid off a rooftop and fell straight into his jacket and down his shirt. I felt some BIG WITCH ENERGY right then. Don’t fuck with me, dickheads.
- But then later that afternoon, I was walking home from the library and some guy on our street (the grandfather of Chooch’s friend, and he hates Chooch and is actually kind of scary in a Yinzer Danny DeVito kind of way) was trying to pull away from the sidewalk and his tires started kicking up DIRTY STREET SNOW RIGHT AS I WALKED PAST AND IT GOT ALL IN MY HAIR AND MY BLUE FLUFFY COAT AND I WILL GOOGLE A SPELL, BUDDY, YOU JUST WAIT.
- Henry went to pick up our latest batch of Sugar Spell pints Friday evening (that counts as the weekend!) and they were amazing as always! They did a special edition “The Office” series of flavors and shit, as if we’re not blessed enough to have a delicious vegan scoop shop right here in the ‘Burgh, they’re also fucking creative geniuses too! Now look, it’s already Vegan Hunger Games when preorders go live, because those of us in the know realize that these pints will sell out in a blink. Seriously. And this one was even worse (for us) because they got a lot of press and shout-outs for these flavors so now we had new people to contend with! Every single flavor sold out in less than 5 minutes! This was the first time that we weren’t able to get all the ones we wanted (there was just one that got snatched from our grips!) but we were still happy with the trio we managed to procure. However, Sugar Spell posted later that night on Instagram that they had received a lot of shitty comments and messages from unhappy and angry people who weren’t able to snag any ice cream. The proprietor of the place said that she was in tears and I swear to god you guys, I was like WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE, I WILL FIGHT THEM. I just don’t get people like that! First of all – it’s just ice cream (granted, REALLY FUCKING DELICIOUS ICE CREAM) and your life will surely go on if you miss out on a pint. Second of all – this is a small business, run by two people who work their asses off to make this for us. Third of all – we’re in the middle of a pandemic. How about channeling your Karen energy toward the government or racists or anti-maskers. My lord, I was so angry about this that night! Even Henry was mad about it and his only emotions are usually: ambivalence and drowsiness. Is that an emotion? It feels like it is. But yeah, we got our pints and they are D-I-V-I-N-E. That one literally is made with beets and I never knew how much I needed an ice cream made with beets until now.
- The Dunder Mufflin flavor up there is a blueberry muffin base with swirls of blueberry jam and it tastes like waking up on Grandma Eloise’s farm in Idaho on a mild summer day, basket of muffins fresh from the oven, covered with a tea towel, and you’re wearing short-alls and getting ready to go out and flirt with all the farmhands who are JUST A LITTLE BIT too old for you but THAT IS WHY IT’S FUN and also IT’S THE 90s so SOCIAL MEDIA HAS NOT TAUGHT YOU THAT THIS IS WRONG. I mean…I don’t have a Grandma Eloise, you have a Grandma Eloise. Anyway, this ice cream also reminds me of the blueberry candle I bought when I moved into my first apartment, and that blueberry smell was so accurate and sweet and every time I smell something even remotely similar, I am jettisoned back to 1998, sitting on a beanbag chair in Payne Hill Apartments (I think my address was like J-163 or something??) because I didn’t have furniture yet and I swear to god, it makes me feel SO WARM AND COZY and this ice cream gave me the same feels except not the warm part because, ice cream.
- Speaking of sweet treats, Chooch baked a shit ton of cookies for 10 lucky people and Sunday was “Delivery Day.” Before he baked the cookies, I googled, “Is it OK to give people baked goods during the pandemic” and everything said YES BUT REMEMBER THAT NON-PANDEMIC HYGIENE CODES STILL MATTER TOO!! but don’t worry – I am a nutcase about keeping the kitchen squeaky clean so no one is going to die from dirt. Anyway, we delivered to half the recipients on Sunday, and actually got to see two of them and have socially-distanced conversations outside! One was the Chris half of Chronica fame, and it was SO FUCKING NICE TO SEE HER FACE IN REAL LIFE. When I tell you that I haven’t seen any of my friends or family since March (I saw my mom once a few months ago for several minutes when I went over to pick up that wallpaper), I really mean it. Then we gave Henry’s mom Judy her cookies outside of the apartment complex she lives in and believe me, we all wore masks because I’m definitely not trying to kill Judy over some dumb cookies, you know? Anyway, she was telling us that she misses hanging out with my mom and that they used to pick up guys together?!?!? I was like WAIT WHAT and she said for example that there was this one time they started talking to this one guy and were having a good time but then he had to leave and they were like no don’t leave so they FOLLOWED HIM TO SEE WHERE HE LIVES?! Judy was laughing so hard with this far-away glimmer in her eyes and we were like “………………………..” Honestly, this has my mom’s name written all over it but when I asked her about it she said that Judy must be dreaming but then she followed up by saying that there WAS this one time where they started talking to some guy in McDonald’s because they were the only three people in there but she swears there was no stalking involved but that if I’m welcome to write about it in my journal if I want. I AM JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND BELIEVE A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH SIDES OK.
Well, Mary, it’s Xmas Eve and I would like to go and like, egg houses or whatever it is we do on Xmas Eve. Tootleloo.