Dec 26

A Story About Henry’s Mother

Category: holidays


We went to Henry’s sister’s house tonight for some post-Christmas revelry. I specifically requested that we pick their mom up on the way because Judy has the best, oft-nonsensical stories.

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A series of conversation twists had us talking about strip clubs, primarily a now-defunct club outside of Pittsburgh that not only had a swimming pool, but offered drive-thru services.

We kept pumping Henry for more insight, and he said, “I was never there!”

“Yeah right!” Kelly and I exclaimed in tandem.

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“Well, not the drive-thru part!”

Judy was being unnaturally quiet during all of this, and with a thoughtful look on her face, she said, “One time I was in a backseat with another girl—”

Right away, we all got quiet.

“Mom, do I need to be drinking for this?” Kelly asked apprehensively.

“—-and the guys put a blanket over our faces so we wouldn’t see where they were taking us.”

Kelly, Henry and I all exchanged looks, unsure of what direction this was going.

“They took us somewhere in McKeesport—”

“To a strip club?” Kelly guessed.

“No, to an alley,” Judy corrected. “They were driving us down alleys.”

We were all laughing, but with more trepidation than mirth.

“For what?” Henry asked, totally perplexed.

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“They were knocking on doors,” Judy calmly added.

“For drugs?” Kelly asked, horrified.

“Whores!” Judy shouted, like she couldn’t imagine why this was so hard to figure out. I nearly gave myself a migraine from laughing so hard.

“When was this?!” Henry asked in the high-pitched tone of a son disappointed in his mother.

“I don’t know, let me see. The 60s, no the 50s. The 60s. No, definitely the early 70s.”

“Oh my god, I was alive when you were knocking on doors for whores in alleys?!” Henry shouted.

“I mean, the 50s!” Judy cried, but she was laughing too hard for her retraction to be taken seriously.

During the course of the night, I also learned that Christmas in the 70s entailed Judy stomping on presents and then catching herself on fire. God love her. If only I could get her to guest post on here. Imagine all the Henry dirt she could share!


6 Comments so far

  1. Luna December 27th, 2011 12:43 am

    hahaha oh god. I can’t stop laughing. I want more stories from Henry’s mom!

  2. Tuna Tar-Tart December 27th, 2011 9:39 am

    I’m going to have to sit down with her with a tape recorder and notepad!

  3. WMM December 27th, 2011 10:56 am

    She’s the best!

  4. Kelly December 28th, 2011 5:05 pm

    LMAO…..I can’t get that story out of my head ! I’m just imaging all of the things that my brother and I haven’t heard yet….scary thought.

  5. Lisa Bobisa December 31st, 2011 8:23 am

    She rules! More please!

  6. Brandy January 12th, 2012 6:57 pm

    This totally had me laughing hard. The stories I wish I could tell about the things my mother-in-law say. It drives me nuts not being able to.

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