Feb 012011

You know how you never wished to have serial killer-themed Valentine cards to send out to your loved ones? Well, this is your chance to get FIVE of the things you never wished to have, FOR FREE! Oh believe it, my friends. This could be your year to express your love by sending the mugs of Richard Ramirez, Jeffrey Dahmer, Albert Fish, Ted Bundy and Ed Gein to five lucky people in your life.

Could it be your stalkee?

The cop who had your car towed?

Sarah Palin?

Ed Gein

This card gives new meaning to eternal love, and what’s better than that, except for maybe the possibility of a lover turning your skinned flesh into a lampshade.

Bestow your loved one with Ed Gein’s mug on Valentine’s Day, or any regular old day you want them to know that you still think they’re a fine piece.

Richard Ramirez

This Valentine’s Day, show the object of your obsession that you mean business. Serious, bloody, stabbing business.

Albert Fish

There is something tingly and erotic when someone tells you, “Hey you know I love you right? But I’d love you even more if you let me get all Food Network with your flesh.” It’s like the new anal sex for the reluctant partner.

This card portrays one of America’s most beloved cannibals, Albert Fish. Maybe he can help push your cause.

Jeffrey Dahmer

Treat your Valentine to this lovingly thoughtful card to let them know that not only do you love them, but you bet they’re tasty too. I don’t know about you, but there’s little that can get my libido Jazzercized quite like the threat of cannibalism.

Ted Bundy

[inside reads: …and how great a pair of nylons would look wrapped around your neck]

Let your loved ones know that not you, but TED BUNDY, is thinking of them by sending this very thoughtful card. Sure, they might get some chills, but only because they feel SO SPECIAL.

The winner gets all five cards, made of thick and sturdy cardstock which will be delivered to you with five accompanying envelopes. The bases, they have all been covered.

To enter: leave a comment here, including an email address where you can be contacted if you are the winner. You don’t have to do all that re-tweeting and Facebook-liking shit. A simple comment will suffice. But if you want to fancify said comment with an anecdote, your life story, Degrassi spoiler alerts, that would be just fine also. I am a bored girl; please amuse me.

Entries will be accepted until noon on Friday, at which point the winner will be chose at the whim of Random.org. Once the winner replies to me with a mailing address, the cards will be shipped out post haste. Now go on, fools! Enter!

[These cards plus more are available for purchase over at non compos cards. Peace out, girl scout.]


The winner was comment #11: Naomi V. Your cards will be mailed out once I get a shipping address. Thanks to everyone for playing!

  25 Responses to “non compos V-Day card giveaway! CONTEST CLOSED”

  1. If its open to UK residents then im totally in.

    If not then :-( would totally love to give my twisted half a Charles Manson card failing that one of the above.

  2. To bad nobody ever got pics of theZodiak killer

  3. Ha! My husband would get a kick out of these! I’d send him the Albert Fish one.

  4. you are brilliant…

  5. Even more disturbing than the Valentine’s Day card I made one year with Spiderman on the front and the phrase “Spiderman fucked your mom” on the inside. I fully approve!

  6. I can only imagine how great it would be to give one of these to my boss. Or my mom

  7. Wow, I thought I knew all about the most famous serial killers, but Albert Fish totally passed me by…I’m going to have to spend the last part of my workday reading about him (which I can easily do since my beloved back-up will be here to do her work AND my work for the rest of the day).

  8. Those cards were meant to be mine. I’ve got a home for each one in my mind already.

    I’m not a serial killer but I play one on TV.

  9. Hope I win. I have a spoiler for Secret Life of The American Teenager which is starting a new season soon. They will talk about sex frequently. There will also be much talk about why they shouldn’t have it. The acting will be of poor quality.

  10. So my mom found your blog and she knew I would adore your cards. Thus I clicked and am in love. I would looooooooove to give these to my husband. It is 1,000,000% my personality. I am a 26 year old retired gore whore. But I like to pretend I still have some individuality, not just Fiona’s mom. You know when you go over to someones house, and the first words are “hey, where’s Fiona?”. Or “Hi Fiona!!!”……Anyhoo, please consider me this lovely holiday. Mostly because I know my hubby won’t get me anything, and these are the kinds of things I would write if I gave him a card. But the novelty gets me points, because I put in the thought.

    naomi aka Fiona’s mom

  11. Roses are red. Violets are blue … and so is your face when I’m choking you.
    Happy Valentine’s Day!
    The Boston Strangler

  12. I would love them and I NEVER win anything, so here’s hoping…

    You are so incredibly talented, I love you so.

  13. Ohmaann, you are one twisted and hilarious lady! What fancy keepsakes these would make!

  14. I love your cards. I love you. I would most likely only be able to part with one which I would send in an unmarked envelope to my nemesis, I have many but only one will be so lucky.

  15. I am in LOVE with these!
    Thanks for sharing, hope I win and get to send mi mama one of your cards!

  16. Nylonmag.com tweeted a link to a cool Degrassi t-shirt today and I thought about you when I saw it. I would go crazy with those badass cards. They are sick as shit!!

  17. Count me in for these awesome cards!!!

  18. Your chooch zombie love card saved my marriage. It’s on the rocks again. HALP!

  19. Give me a fucking set of cards with killer mugs or die!


    You know why I aught to win? I’m the only fucking asshole who left an e-mail in the comment as per the rules. (“leave a comment here, including an email address…”)

  20. These cards are great! If I win, I’m going to send the first one to my AA sponsor.

  21. I finally checked my mail, and I found my cards! They are amazing! I
    really rather frame them and hang them in my room. Thank you so much!
    I also downloaded “Death of a Ghost Hunter”. Looking forward to
    watching it. Have you seen Ghost Adventures on the Travel channel?
    It’s pretty exciting. I have been watching far to much of it since we
    ordered cable. Once again, thank you!
    ( i don’t know if my emails went through!)

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