Jul 062019

Kpop is a really expensive lifestyle, my chingu. And when groups come here around the same time, we have to choose wisely.

Because we skipped out on this year’s KCON (lineup was not worth the $$$ for me, not a knock against those groups though!) I decided to try and snag tickets for GOT7’s upcoming North American tour instead, since the last two times they were here we couldn’t go because of other concerts.

GOT7 is Chooch’s ult group and he is always mumbling about how it’s not fair that we go see the groups I like, blah blah, so I figured it was time to throw him a bone. I was able to get seats in the front row of one of the nosebleed balcony sections and then told Henry, “Oh yeah, and it’s in Toronto.”

He was not pleased, especially when he realized it was a Sunday. Toronto’s not that far of a drive from Pittsburgh – 5 hours – but when you’re driving there and back in the same day, that’s a whole ‘nother story, broski.  He found a nice parking spot next to a fountain and slept/watched Netflix/walked to Union Station to pee, you know — Henry things.

Meanwhile, Chooch and I managed to get inside ScotiaBank Arena with little problems; it’s apparently the same place I saw G-Dragon in 2017 but just has a different name now. The people who scanned our tickets were so friendly, and then while we were in line for merch, another staff member came over and said to us, “If I told you there was another merch table a few gates over with a shorter line, would you believe me?” Of course it was true, because why would he lie!? So we were able to snatch a tour t-shirt in no time. The staff at ScotiaBank was SO NICE. Trust me, I have been treated like shit by venue staff before, so when staff members do things like give us merch tips, that’s something that can make a good concert experience GREAT.

By this point, it was a little after 7 so we started to enter a stairwell to begin our ascent to the third floor. A security guard blocked our path, and I was starting to wonder if our good run of friendly staff was coming to an end. He told us that the upper levels were closed and I said, no, that was impossible, our seats were in the third level.

“They’re giving out ticket upgrades at the guest relations table,” he said, pointing us the right direction. I couldn’t imagine why this was happening, I have never received ticket upgrades for any show I’ve attended, so I was paranoid. But we got in the fast-moving queue and some broad handed us two tickets for seats in the 100 section so we shrugged and set off to find our gate, at which point we realized that we were like, RIGHT TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE, only about 20 rows up from the floor, whaaaaaat.

We were so giddy about this, but then I looked around and realized that this was probably pretty shitty for GOT7 though, because it looked like maybe they didn’t sell as many tickets as they anticipated. I mean, they were performing in a huge arena, the same one that the Toronto Maple Leafs play in, and it looked like they closed off the upper levels and literally moved everyone down to fill the seats, and even then there were a lot of empty spots.


But, we went from $80 seats to $125 seats, so that was pretty awesome for us!

GOT7 is pretty popular here in the States, and I think maybe what happened was BTS announced their stadium tour right after GOT7, and people went crazy and chose that over GOT7, because the BTS hype is fucking insane. For us though, we just saw BTS last fall and choosing GOT7 was a no-brainer.

And let me just say, it was WORTH IT. Even though I was suffering through a stomach ache during their whole concert and the entire excruciating drive home to Pittsburgh.

Especially because GOT7 can SANG, motherfuckers. They can SANG SO GOOD.

They came out with Eclipse, their most recent comeback track, and I don’t know why I continue to be so stunned at how well the talent of these groups translates to these giant stages, but there is not even a millisecond of slouching or phoning it in. They are ON POINT, and seeing that choreography spill out on the stage in front of us is honestly breathtaking. GOT7 has some of the best dances out of any boy group out there right now. It’s literally sickening.

GOT7 is interesting because they’re not just made up of Koreans: Mark is American/Taiwanese, Bam Bam is Thai, and Jackson is Chinese (Hong Kong). Chooch’s bias is Bam Bam, and luckily for him, Bam Bam is fluent in English and did A LOT of the talking that night!

My bias is Youngjae! He reminds me a bit of Daesung from Bigbang because his vocals are STRONG, LOUD, and SOLID.

He has my favorite part in my current favorite GOT7 song, 1°:

Chooch’s favorite GOT7 song is “Confession Song,” which was this cute little Christmas-y song from 2015 and he kept screaming, “PLAY CONFESSION SONG!!!!” I was like, “Buddy, I don’t think they’re going to play that song.”

They didn’t.

But Chooch still loved every minute of the show. He even got really emotional and teared up when all the members were talking in between songs and Jinyoung said that he wanted everyone to know that even though he doesn’t show his emotions very often, that he still has just as much fun as the rest of the members. It was really sweet but Chooch caught me off guard with how affected he was by that moment..??!

My original favorite GOT7 song is “If You Do” because it was one of my favorite kpop dance workout videos from Sarahkpop, but alas, they did not perform that song so I had to join Chooch in the “NO PLAY SONG” boat.

Still, their set list was pretty solid so we didn’t have any complaints!

  1. Eclipse
  2. Never Ever
  3. Skyway
  4. Ride (JB solo)
  5. Gravity (Youngjae solo)
  6. Intro + God Has Returned + Manana (Rap unit stage)
  7. Jinyoung & Yungyeom unit stage
  8. Stop Stop It (fun fact – this was the first GOT7 song I ever heard when I first started doing KpopX!)
  9. Sign
  10. I Am Me (this song made me cry)
  11. Come On
  12. Just Right (!!!!!!)
  13. Paradise
  14. Thank You
  15. Save You
  16. Teenager
  17. Page
  18. Look
  19. Lullaby
  20. Hard Carry
  21. Fly
  22. Go Higher
  23. Before the Full Moon Rises
  24. OUT

This setlist is actually inaccurate because I know for sure they also performed “Miracle” at some point.

I learned that night that GOT7 is almost entirely self-produced. JB, their leader, produces most of their music and Yungyeom does a lot of the choreography. I had no idea about this and it tripled my respect for them, honestly. Especially since kpop has the reputation of being mass-produced factory music.

After Bam Bam pointed this out, he said that he hopes that one day they will be recognized worldwide as a group who make their own music. Imagine how frustrating it is to be other groups in Korea, busting their asses and brimming with talent, only to be eclipsed by another group who just happened to hit it at the right time.

Ugh I could write an entire blog series on this BUT I WON’T.

Guys, I swear Youngjae waved to me. YOU WEREN’T THERE, OK.

Either Chooch finally getting to the age where an entire concert can hold his attention, or he just genuinely likes kpop better than rock/emo/post hardcore because he’s been so present for these last few concerts we’ve gone to together. Usually, he’ll start to drift off (he fell asleep during BTS and all the non-kpop shows would have him looking at Fortnite shit on his phone) but especially for GOT7 he was screaming his face off and just loving every second of it so sorry Henry if driving to Toronto was annoying for you because Chooch really had a great night.

(But oh lord, that drive home, kill me.)

Anyway, go listen to GOT7! Support them and love them, they deserve it!

Nov 132018

You guys know how Chooch and I fight over everythang right? From semantics to the hue of the sky to Yanny or Laurel, we will bicker until Henry has to threaten to take away our privileges. I guess that’s what happens when you’re basically the same person. (This is why I can’t be friends with people who are too much like me!)

(Also, can you imagine if Chooch was also a Leo?!)

We even fight over cats, as in, whose cat is better/prettier/smarter/cuter/less smellier.

Last night, everything was pretty quiet. Chooch and I were coexisting peacefully, watching theme park YouTube videos, when I looked at Penelope who was sitting on her tower like a perfectly furry loaf.

“Penelope is so cute, she could be a Disney character!” I cooed. “Penelope, you could be Snow White’s kitty!”

Chooch fake-gagged on his water. “YEAH RIGHT, she’s more like Hunchback of Notre Dame!” And then he kept calling her Quasimodo (after he googled the name because HE WAS TOO DUMB TO KNOW.)


So in retaliation I looked at HIS CAT DREW and in my effort to come up with a better burn, I blurted out, “Yeah well Drew could be Ursula’s….SHOULDER PAD!”

Chooch gaped at me. “WTF?” he cried. “That doesn’t even make sense!”

“YES IT DOES!” I was now on my knees, laughing so hard that my eyes were birthing pure drops of comedy rain, picturing Drew perched on Ursula’s shoulders, a natural extension of her oceanic hideousness.

Chooch continued to scoff at me so I ran upstairs and woke up Henry so I could tell him my sick burn.

He too just stared at me. “You’re so dumb,” he murmured. But he just wasn’t awake enough to fully grasp the perfection of this insult, the smartly crafted nuances of my name-calling.

I came back downstairs and continuously called Drew “Ursula’s Shoulder Pad” until Chooch eventually blocked me out. Later, I laughed myself to sleep.


This morning, Chooch was still dwelling on it. “And Ursula doesn’t even wear a shirt that would have shoulder pads,” he argued, desperately grasping for straws but MAMA OWNS THIS SODA SHOP OF SICK BURNS, BOY. NO STRAWS FOR YOU.

On my lunch break, I was on the phone with Henry as usual. He’s like obsessed with me and makes me check in with him every afternoon. (Lolz.) He had just gotten home from work and was starting to say something about Drew.

“Ursula’s Shoulder Pad,” I corrected him and he flipped out about how dumb it is. So triggered!!

“Do you think it’s just as good or better as when I used to call Speck [RIP] ‘Breakfast Nook’?” I brayed which is how I talk when I’ve reached Critical Giddiness.

“THAT WAS JUST AS STUPID,” Henry barked. Wow, Henry’s got no jams.

I kept randomly thinking about this all day and I’d have to stifle my snort-laughs at my desk. Finally, I went over to tell Glenn and Todd. Todd stopped listening as soon as I said “cats” because he hates cats. But Glenn heard me out.

“That’s…really stupid,” he said, BUT HE WAS TRYING NOT TO SMILE. “It doesn’t even make sense. Why….?”

By the time I told Lauren, I was Bobcat Goldthwaiting all up in her space but she thoughtfully considered it and said, “No, you know what? It is funny. I don’t really know why, but it is. I’m on your side!”

YESSSSSSSS. I couldn’t wait to tell Henry.

“No, it’s still dumb, and Lauren is dumb too for encouraging you,” he sighed when I told him after work.

Just a few minutes ago, I was dancing to the Ursula’s Shoulder Pad jingle which I made up on the fly. “I really think this is the funniest thing I’ve ever said,” I said while sliding around in my socks. “I’ll never be this funny again!”

“It’s literally the dumbest thing you’ve ever said, so….” Henry sighed.


But seriously, look at those arm barnacles!

(Henry just said I’m dumb again and that’s literally all he ever says to me so I think that means he has a crush on me.)


ETA: Or is she really HENRY’S SHOULDER PAD?? Oh shit did I just … MAKE SENSE of this?! Did I just … TIE THIS ALL TOGETHER? Wow, that’s almost like real blogging.

Jan 162015




I’ve been threatening to have a giveaway for a few months now and today is the damn day. I love giving stuff away! It makes me feel like the poor white trash version of Oprah. Plus, you guys come here and suffer through endless words, in hopes of finding something of value. I fail you a lot with my asinine bulletpoint thoughts, whining, and CAPSLOCK parties. So this one’s for you, fair reader!

(Were you referred here by a friend? This page will tell you all you need to know about this blog! It even has a picture of me, which is like the most important part about a bio, knowing that it’s for an actual human being and not an expired can of split pea soup.)

Here are the details:

One winner.

Three prizes:




Emarosa is one of my favorite bands (especially now that they finally replaced Jonny Craig!). They released an album in September of 2014 called Versus, after being AWOL for three years, and this album was in my top 5 of 2014. I am so adamant about people knowing about this band, that I have gone out and bought a second copy of the CD just to give away to someone. Please know that I will be nagging the winner for their opinion. “DIDYOULISTEN? DIDYOULISTENYET? HOWABOUTNOW? DOYOULIKEIT? WHATSYOURFAVORITESONG!?!?!?” I live for this damn band.

2. A best friend zombie brain necklace from Canadian artist Beat Black!


Made from polymer clay, this is basically the best way to consummate a sick, twisted, unhealthy friendship — you know you have one of those! Just make sure you give the other half to someone who deserves it.

3. A custom Somnambulant (that’s just me, don’t get too excited) caricaturish* portrait on an 8×8 canvas:


Above are some examples of past work of faces. Just tell me what face you want—yourself, your kid or some stranger’s kid, Bobcat Goldthwait, Sarah Palin with horns—-I’m game.

*That’s artist speak for “I’m not a real artist and have no idea what I’m talking about.”


The Boring Details

This contest will stay up until next Wednesday, January 21st, 2015 and I will officially close it down and pick a winner at 9:00pm EST.  Anyone is eligible, even people in jail and…fans of Katy Perry. Please note that because the third prize is something that doesn’t yet exist, I will need at least 2 weeks to get everything shipped out to the winner. So go forth and enter! And please tell your friends to read my blog. AIN’T 2 PROUD 2 BEG.

If you don’t feel like sifting through my heavy-handed blog posts, here are some popular posts (according to my stats, not some imaginary American Blogger contest) you can share:

1. Sunday Lock-Out 

2. Don’t Ask Me About Tofu

3. The Big Angry Blow Me

4. An Old Person’s Perspective of Warped Tour: An Exclusive Interview with Henry

5. How Not to Stalk Strangers in a Cemetery

Here, use this handy form to enter!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Jul 092014



You guys, I’m so excited to tell you about my friend Kendahl‘s brand new line of nail polish: Firecracker Lacquer! It was just officially launched for public consumption on July 1, but I have smugly been modeling a select few colors for a couple months now because I got it like that. And let me just tell you, I have squealed every time more arrived in the mail!

Ah, the benefits of having talented friends, you know?

And because Kendahl is so generous, she has offered to give away two bottles of the winner’s choice, right here on this old blog!

DISCLAIMER: I’m not exactly world-renown for my polish swatching skills. The below pictures are casual examples of how you can work various shades, but if you would like to see better representations, please check out Firecracker Lacquer on Etsy! The swatches there are gorgeous and professional-looking and not like someone let their club-handed, blind milkmaid paint their nails for them. (I’m just always in a hurry, OK!?)


So here you will find PINK! over top of some random Sephora brand green. I love PINK! as a topper because it works over pretty much anything and it’s so PINK and sparkly, like Barbie’s hopes and dreams all ground-up and paper-shredded and crammed into a bottle. Every time I wear it, I feel like I’m going to a birthday party but then I remember I don’t have any friends. :(

Just kidding. I have a few that I found on Craigslist.


Oh man, this one is my favorite. A planetary homage, it’s called Your Mom I Thought I Was Big Enough, a beautiful shimmery mauve exploding with multi-colored glitter. Here I have it over top of a Sephora brand black and the dimensions on this polish is staggering. It has a different look depending on which why the light hits it and sometimes I get distracted and will catch myself sitting there, tilting my hand from one side to the other, watching the color shift. Over black, it’s like a ready-to-go galaxy mani.

Here’s the official description, because I don’t know all that fancy polish lingo:

Your Mom Thought I Was Big Enough is a multi-chrome lacquer, shifting through blue, purple, orange, and red. It’s also got a smattering of linear holographic as well as some holographic glitter.

It does shift! I really does do that and it’s so incredible to watch. I hear that this is a dream over top navy blue, also.


Here it is with no base color, alongside Punked on my accent nail. It reminds me of a chiffon dress that someone might wear to a Golden Girls-themed dance. That color just screams BLANCHE DEVEREAUX to me for some reason.



And here we have Frosting over top of a Sephora brand pink. It works best as a topper, but I wore a couple coats of it with no base and it was just as glorious. It’s like wearing crushed diamonds on my fingertips! Flashy enough for Rihanna to wear to Barbados, yet still classy to wear to a funeral. (I guess?) Jesus says so.

I tried to get Henry to let me paint his nails last night, but he was like, “Seriously? I think I do enough for you.” So I gave him a reprieve for this go-around. Then I spent all morning at work hounding Glenn to be my hand model but he doesn’t like having fun. He did seem mildly interested in the polishes though and even picked one up for closer examination on one of his walks past my desk. Just give in to it, Glenn.

(If this is your first time visiting the garbage dump of words that is Oh Honestly, Erin, Glenn is my work frenemy and I’m constantly on the prowl for new ways to make his days suck. I’m a good person.)



My work friend Nate was much more agreeable and offered up a fingernail to be slathered with Crawlin’ Queen. Nail polish remover was provided, but he decided to leave it on so he could show it off in an afternoon meeting. THAT IS A REAL MAN. Take some notes, Glenn.

I really think Crawlin’ Queen is a great polish for a man: the gray is just masculine enough to complement the lovely blue and pink speckles. It’s so CREAMY. I’m sure Nate will agree.

OK, now for the part where WINNING is involved. If you would like to try your hand at winning two bottles of this brand new line of nail polish, just fill out the form below.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

The giveaway starts NOW and will run until Monday, July 14th, where I will pick a winner at the arbitrary hour of 7PM EST. Please make sure you include a valid email address when you enter, so that I won’t accidentally be emailing some Appalachian manure packager to see what two polishes he would like. But hey, your loss, his gain!

Jan 152014

Remember making those stupid cardboard mailboxes so our classmates could slip in Barbie and Hot Wheels Valentines, and then acting repulsed when you got one from the kid you had a crush on? That’s what I had in mind for my non compos cards serial killer Valentines, and last year I finally made some. Three different sheets of 6, to be exact! Each sheet is perforated, so you just tear them apart and pass ’em out to whoever is on your hit list this year. I have several of my own people in mind.

I’m giving away a full set of all 4 sheets to one (un)lucky commenter! Just visit the shop and then leave a comment here telling me what you’re favorite card is. Be sure to comment with a valid email address where you can be reached if you’re the winner. Get extra entries by tweeting, sharing on FB, etc etc. You know how these giveaways are: “I told my church group about it via Google+!” “I pinned it to my ‘disgusting people’ board on Pinterest!” Do what you gotta do, friends. Contest ends Sunday at noon (EST).

I also thought these would be fun to pass out at the office, your AA meetings, church collection baskets. Leave them on the bus for the next person who sits in your seat to find! Stick them in those things called “books” before you return them to that weird place called “the library.”

The possibilities are endless! I just don’t endorse giving these to your kids to pass out at school. Unless their school is super progressive like that one on Victorious. (Don’t they have an app for passing out Valentines now anyway?)

(The backs are set up for printing in this particular photo, so it looks like they don’t match up to the fronts, but they really do, I promise. Blame Henry.)

These are printed on high-quality paperstock in eye-popping ink. I couldn’t be happier with them!

6_Sheet_4 front copy

6_Sheet_4 back copy

Need a birthday card? Check out the whole line of non compos cards here!

DISCLAIMER: These are meant to be tongue-in-cheek. I do not think murder is cool, nor do I condone it. But what’s life without a little humor?

Nov 082012

In 2006, I jokingly handmade a shit ton of serial killer-themed Christmas cards to send to my friends. It was kind of a “fuck you” to the greeting card industry. What I didn’t expect was that people really liked these cards! I mean, they were handwritten with gel pens, you guys.

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What’s not to love?

I think I started out with 5 different killers.

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Today, I have 13 different options in the Christmas card section alone. These cards have come a long way, and they’re still my little babies!

As a thank you for the years of interest and support in non compos cards, I’m offering a free set of 5 cards of the winner’s choice!

To enter, just complete the form below. You get one entry for each task completed! Contest ends midnight 11/16/12!

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a Rafflecopter giveaway

Nov 142011

Thanks to everyone who contributed to last week’s blog birthday party thing! It was a lot of fun to go back and read the posts that my friends favorited and who knew Henry was going to come through at the final hour. I hope you guys enjoyed it.

And now the giveaway is finally here!

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I wasn’t lying this time!

To recap the bounty:

  • 5 eyeshadows and 1 blush of your choice from My Pretty Zombie cosmetics = $33 value
  • a custom Somnambulant painting from the skullz0rz series = PRICELESS. J/K, probably like $20

  • one mp3 CD chockful of all the bands I mention on here constantly.
  • random last minute miscellanea.

So go! Enter, and enter often! There are tons of different ways to get extra entries, like by submitting a sketch of Henry! (If you’re one of the awesome people who already sent me one, you can already check that off as one entry.

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) Comment on the posts that my friends chose as their favorites last week – each one counts as an entry! And if you’re a dude, you should still enter.

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You never know when you’ll be entering a drag queen pageant and then you’ll really be glad you have 5 shades of hot, glittery eye shadow at your disposal. Or just give it your wife/mistress/daughter/mistress’s daughter/bus driver.

Just, thank you. Thank you so much for reading my stuff and making me feel nice. You guys rule.

Giveaway ends on Saturday.

Nov 102011

One of the items in the THANKS FOR READING giveaway will be a custom version of this painting:



If you win and don’t like it, it would probably make a good door stop or fireplace kindle.

Hopefully that gives you incentive to keep reading and enter.

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If not, I can maybe throw in a Henry-prepared casserole and some through-the-kitchen-window Polaroids of Hot Naybor Chris.

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Tip: the giveaway possibly has something to do with the old blog posts my friends have shared on here throughout the week.

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You don’t think I’d make this EASY do you? Pop quiz all the way!

Jul 292011

Tomorrow is my birthday and all I want (aside from all you tasty people to come to my rollerskating party!) is to know who reads this junk. Lately it’s been feeling a little all for naught, which makes me sad and angsty and because this here is my baby. Leave a comment, don’t be shy! Tell me something about you, tell me why you read this, tell me a band to check out. I want nothing more than some good old-fashioned Internet interaction.

Maybe I’ll even sweeten the pot and give something away to a random commenter. You know how I do. (And by that I mean resorting to bribery.)

Feb 262011

Comment #37 will be the lucky recipient of 5 pots of Andrea’s My Pretty Zombie eye shadow! (Literally, comment #37 wins the eye shadows, not the person who actually left the comment.)

So, person with the best name in the entire world (i.e. Erin), I will be contacting you for your mailing address. LOOK OUT.

Thanks to everyone who entered and a special thanks to those who courted the eye shadows with poems – they were so much fun for Andrea and I to read!

Feb 012011

You know how you never wished to have serial killer-themed Valentine cards to send out to your loved ones? Well, this is your chance to get FIVE of the things you never wished to have, FOR FREE! Oh believe it, my friends. This could be your year to express your love by sending the mugs of Richard Ramirez, Jeffrey Dahmer, Albert Fish, Ted Bundy and Ed Gein to five lucky people in your life.

Could it be your stalkee?

The cop who had your car towed?

Sarah Palin?

Ed Gein

This card gives new meaning to eternal love, and what’s better than that, except for maybe the possibility of a lover turning your skinned flesh into a lampshade.

Bestow your loved one with Ed Gein’s mug on Valentine’s Day, or any regular old day you want them to know that you still think they’re a fine piece.

Richard Ramirez

This Valentine’s Day, show the object of your obsession that you mean business. Serious, bloody, stabbing business.

Albert Fish

There is something tingly and erotic when someone tells you, “Hey you know I love you right? But I’d love you even more if you let me get all Food Network with your flesh.” It’s like the new anal sex for the reluctant partner.

This card portrays one of America’s most beloved cannibals, Albert Fish. Maybe he can help push your cause.

Jeffrey Dahmer

Treat your Valentine to this lovingly thoughtful card to let them know that not only do you love them, but you bet they’re tasty too. I don’t know about you, but there’s little that can get my libido Jazzercized quite like the threat of cannibalism.

Ted Bundy

[inside reads: …and how great a pair of nylons would look wrapped around your neck]

Let your loved ones know that not you, but TED BUNDY, is thinking of them by sending this very thoughtful card. Sure, they might get some chills, but only because they feel SO SPECIAL.

The winner gets all five cards, made of thick and sturdy cardstock which will be delivered to you with five accompanying envelopes. The bases, they have all been covered.

To enter: leave a comment here, including an email address where you can be contacted if you are the winner. You don’t have to do all that re-tweeting and Facebook-liking shit. A simple comment will suffice. But if you want to fancify said comment with an anecdote, your life story, Degrassi spoiler alerts, that would be just fine also. I am a bored girl; please amuse me.

Entries will be accepted until noon on Friday, at which point the winner will be chose at the whim of Random.org. Once the winner replies to me with a mailing address, the cards will be shipped out post haste. Now go on, fools! Enter!

[These cards plus more are available for purchase over at non compos cards. Peace out, girl scout.]


The winner was comment #11: Naomi V. Your cards will be mailed out once I get a shipping address. Thanks to everyone for playing!

Oct 282010

Remember over a week ago when I bribed you people to leave a comment by dangling some imaginary prize over your heads? Well, I didn’t forget about it. (OK, I did forget about it. But today, I’m all about remembering.)

I used that lovely Random.org thing that I always have to stare at for a few minutes before it dawns on me what to do. I forgot about ‘print screen,’ so here is the winner as captured by my crappy iPhone camera:

That means the winner is Jersey Diva Mom! I have no idea what your prize will be! But I can guarantee it will be something having nothing to do with Miley Cyrus. Probably no weaponry, either; I’m on this unusual anti-violence kick.

Oct 192010

Recently someone was like, “You know, Erin, your blog is like, all about you.” That must get annoying. So today, let’s make it all about YOU.

  Tell me something about yourself!

It could be anything – your favorite band, food that gives you hives, where you hid that body in ’99. It’s fun to learn about who reads this, and I’ve met some really awesome people this way (one who even lives in the same ‘hood as me!

). So don’t be shy. Even if you see me everyday, even if we’ve been playing in the Internet sandbox together since 2004, and especially if you’ve never commented here before, you should totally play along. I want to know you! There might even be a random prize*. You never know.

So tell me something about yourself, or get the fuck out! (Kidding! God.)

* Seriously, I might be giving  something away to a random commenter so leave an email address!

Jul 262010

After I gave myself a Trix’stache for Crunchy Betty’s Food On Your Face contest, I was 99% sure I didn’t do it right. So I emailed Leslie, the writer of Crunchy Betty. And I was right! It was wrong. It was supposed to be a facial mask made from natural products, so I scoured her website looking for something that was easy enough for me to not screw up, even though Leslie said I didn’t have to. I was determined at this point to do it up proper-like.

First, I saw that I could just take some aging bananas and mash it all upon my face. Good thing Henry likes to leave fruits and vegetables laying around in open graves, attracting fruit flies by the droves.

“What exactly are you doing?” Henry asked when he saw me monopolizing prime counter space while he was trying to cook dinner.

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I turned around with banana entrails coating my fingers.

“I’m doing something awesome. Go away.” I squirted honey into the bowl and ran off to the bathroom where my banana mush could make love to my face in privacy.

Not a minute after pushing him away, I was yelling down for Henry to help me.  He walked in just in time to catch me dry heaving into the shower curtain.

“It’s just bananas!” he said all condescendingly. But the consistency! The color! It was like mucous. Think, chunky mucous collected from a team of hawkering truckers.

I have a real problem with putting stuff on my face. Even store-bought masks that are all honeylicious and gooey; not gonna happen on this girl’s face, which might make one wonder, “Then why are you bothering with this, dummy?” To which I might answer, “I don’t know.” Although, I do have a lot of time on my hands. Time and determination, my friends.

I can handle clay-type facial masks though, so I went back to Crunchy Betty and found one that sounded like it would fit within my parameters of acceptable epidermal food-smearing.

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Mocha-Frappucino Mask

  • 2 Tbsp freshly ground coffee (the finer the grind, the better)
  • 2 Tbsp. cocoa powder
  • 3 Tbsp. milk (whole), heavy cream, or yogurt
  • 1 Tbsp. honey

Henry was angry because he had to stop cooking his dinner in order to supervise. I was trying to mix everything together with the tablespoon measuring thing and I didn’t think it was all that big of a deal. Mr. Pampered Chef started rummaging through drawers in search of the proper mixing device. Then he goes, “You should add an egg to that for protein.” Henry always has to urinate on things to make it his own.

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It’s really annoying.

“You know I’m not eating this, right?” I asked.

But Henry knows everything! Even stuff about what is good for FACES. God, that Henry. Am I right? I don’t know how he finds the time to learn everything about everything in the entire history of the planet.

Next thing I knew, he had cracked an egg on the counter top and was separating it while it was still in the shell. I think he secretly hopes that I’ve been filming him on the sly doing all these things throughout the years, so that one day I’ll have enough footage of his sheer ingenuity and culinary aptitude to submit an audition tape to Food Network on his behalf.

Oh, I do. But that’s not where I’m sending it.

Anyway, my gag reflex thanked me for the new concoction. The texture was pleasant against my fingertips and it didn’t make my face feel harassed by viscousness. It made me feel like a cake, so I added candy stars which have absolutely no benefit to the skin as far as I know. But they sure are pretty.

In the instructions, Leslie says to “apply to a sleepy morning face.” Henry read that and said, “Does it work on miserable, bitchy night time faces, too?” Oh, our house is bursting with so much love it hurts. Ask Alisha. She was once accidentally impaled with an ice pick that I chucked at Henry out of love.

I like this picture because I look like Henry with a shit-beard.

Chooch wanted in on the action. But he’s just like me and HATES having stuff on his face (which is why I was surprised he was so willing to be made up into a zombie at his birthday party last May. Probably because he saw his BFF Bill do it first.)

That’s as much as he’d let me apply before shouting with authority, “OK! That’s enough now. Christ.”

It didn’t take very long for the concoction to harden against my face and I could feel my skin becoming taut beneath it. The best part about it is that it smelled SO GOOD. And it didn’t drip off my face  like bungee-jumping pus.

And if you like the flavor of coffee grounds, then the mask tastes great. Just lick it off your face; I did. Who needs a shower and a washcloth?

The coffee grounds were less brutal than I imagined them to be. I don’t know what I was expecting, to rinse my face and find that I’m suddenly the new addition to the Bodies exhibit? It left my skin super soft and oil-free. Stupid me came running downstairs, yelling, “Touch my face! It’s so soft!” only to have two pairs of gross male-hands grope my cheeks. I probably could have stood to repeat the process after that.

So go on. Get yourself over to Crunchy Betty and find some stuff to put on your face.

Jul 172010

Somewhere in my blog travels, I stumbled across Crunchy Betty, who is (super pretty and) having a contest thing where you send her a picture of food on your face. I thought, “Boy, that sure sounds fun, and maybe I should keep up with this blogosphere elbow-rubbing thing.” You know, instead of being that pissed-upon loser blog in the corner.

And really, does it get any better than applying balls of sugary Trix to your face in ninety-degree heat, using peanut butter as adhesive? I had to take these pictures faster than I jump into bed at night. (I don’t like standing next to the bed after dark because SOMETHING MIGHT LOP OFF MY FEET WITH A SICKLE, so I usually do a little running leap, like I’m some goddamn gymnast in fear of being whipped by Bela Karoli.)



There. That was fun. But no one wanted to kiss me…?

[ETA: I’m sure I did this wrong, now that I think about it. I have this incredibly rich habit of glossing over words like a sixteen-year-old fresh out of Adderal and I’m wondering if I was supposed to actually make one of the facial mask recipes on Crunchy Betty’s blog. There might be a do-over in the future.]