Jun 042023

Canada’s Wonderland has been on my TO DO list ever since we became coaster thoosies. I have watched so many videos on this Cedar Fair park, so I was kind of surprised at how underwhelming this place was.

First of all, it has 17 coasters (three or four of those are kid coasters) but honestly only about 4 of those are re-ridable. In fact, I experienced some of the WORST coaster rides in the two days we were at Canada’s Wonderland.

We’ll get to that later. First, let’s do a quick recap of Day One.

We arrived at the park around 2, after driving all morning. This place is about 20-30 minutes past Toronto, I think? My immediate impression was that it was visually stunning. As soon as you walk through the entrance, you’re facing the iconic mountain and waterfall. That entrance is so dramatic and actually might have been one of the few parts of this joint that were actually better in person as opposed to what I had seen in videos.

Lookit! It’s so pretty and there are actually three coasters that interact with the mountain, and I loved all three of them.

Our first coaster of 2023 was actually one of the mountain coasters! It was a cute little family mine ride called Thunder Run, super short – it did two quick laps around a track inside the mountain with some lighting effects, but my favorite part was before the operator sent the train, she made everyone scream CHOO CHOO and you know I practically made my throat bleed with the sheer force of my CHOOing.

Also, I missed the memo that it was Purple Day, I guess. I actually did pack a purple shirt too, which I wore the next day, but it was more of a lavender so I guess I still lose.

Next was Wilde Beast, an old piece of shit woodie. FUCK THIS RIDE. Literally, this fucker set the tone for the rest of the day for me, and probably also Henry. But then difference between the two of us is that I will keep riding things because even though I don’t count credits, I want to ride the same coasters as Chooch especially because it’s the only TOGETHER TIME we have anymore since he is TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL when we’re home and usually only speaks to me in grunts and sneers. (Although he is being SUPER TALKATIVE to me this weekend because he has a project for school that he needs my help with and we will discuss this later.)

But seriously, this was one of the worst woodies I have ever ridden, and I have ridden Son of Beast and Blue Streak in Conneaut, both of which no longer exist. It was so rough, and that paired with the heat of the day and possibly being mildly dehydrated really sent me on a tailspin of nausea and pain that I couldn’t climb out of for the entire day. Trust me, it only got worse.

After this, Chooch and I got in line for the park’s shitty Vekoma boomerang, The Bat. Well, we attempted to get in line. But as we were walking through the switchbacks to get to the end of the line, I turned around to see that an entire group of people were cutting the line behind us instead of walking through the empty queue which I knew was going to happen but there were people in front of us, so Chooch and I didn’t want to be dicks and do that same thing (you know – going under the railing to bypass the empty switchbacks that you would need to walk down in order to get to the end). So by the time we made our way back to the end of the line, there were about 20 people who had cut in front of us but what really set me off was that even now that we WERE THERE AT THE END OF THE LINE, people were still jumping over the empty lines and cutting in front of us to join their fellow linejumpers who had previously cut the line. I just lost my mind and said OH WOW OK REALLY?? FUCK THIS and made Chooch get out of line with me. I’m sorry, but I’m not enduring that type of bullshit for A VEKOMA BOOMERANG. I knew we were coming back the next day and figured we’d just cross it off the list early before it got crowded, because for some unknown reason, these shit-loops are general public favorites.


I was in a foul mood at this point. Probably needed water. Definitely required a feeding. But was determined to persevere and try to get in as many coasters as we could on Day One, despite the crowds. (It wasn’t THAT crowded, actually but it was the fact that the people we were encountering all day weren’t exactly nice, dispelling that age-old Canadian stereotype. However, I think you can also argue that amusement parks in general bring out the absolute worst in people.)

The other thing that pissed me off was that CW’s wait times in the app were extremely off. It said that Yukon Striker was a minute wait so I figured, let’s just get in line for this because this is one of the park’s most popular rides and minutes seemed reasonable. Yeah, until you get so far into the line and realize that there is an entire second section of switchbacks that wasn’t visible at the ride entrance. I guess it wasn’t THAT bad but it was fucking hot and we were essentially cooking under a tent with a horde of strangers. None of them were blatantly terrible at least EXCEPT for this one dad that was a few people ahead of us who got on his phone halfway through the line and started DIRECTING the rest of his crew to his location. I HATE THAT.

I always hope that people in line won’t let the line jumpers through, but it almost never works out that way. In this case, it was the guy’s wife and teenage son, who were shrugging their way through the line with their recently-procured Beaver Tails (um, a delicious Canadian take on fried dough and one of the highlights of the day).

I was so pissed and proceeded to glare at the dad for the rest of our duration in the line. He looked like a Jersey Shore hothead, to be honest.

Other than that, the line wasn’t too horrible but I would say it was at least 20 minutes longer than the stupid app said it would be.

I don’t know that I would say it was worth the wait but it was definitely one of the best in the park, and as far as dive coasters go, I think it would be my #3 (I’ve only ridden 4, lol). Dive coasters just don’t really do it for me, but I so really like the one at Busch Gardens Williamsburg a lot.


My favorite part was actually the loose article bin system! You put your stuff in while you’re next in line, and then as you get on the coaster, the bins (which are made to look like old-school luggage) go up a conveyer system over top of the coaster and then when you return, the “luggage” is waiting for you in the exit!

Jersey Shore Dad was on the same train as us and was screaming, “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY STUFF” or something along those lines that included SWEARS, as everyone was exiting. What a fucking douche-noz.

I ate here! Well, after Henry waited a good 15 minutes for the register to be shut down and restarted so that he could pay.

Vegetarian moussaka! I was so excited for this and it was pretty good for amusement park food! Usually as a meat-free person, I’m stuck getting pizza or whatever shitty veggie burger they might have hidden in the back of a freezer somewhere. But this was nice!

Chooch and Henry went to some place called Lazy Bear Lodge or something, which was actually my back-up plan because I heard that they had Impossible stuffed-peppers.

After eating, I was like HARK, DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR? as we walked past the mountain. Of course, Henry 100% couldn’t because he can barely even hear me when I’m right next to him, but even Chooch was like, “You mean people screaming and a waterfall falling?” So we had to search out the nearest speaker in order for Chooch to hear.

OK, let me back up. The day before, Chooch had said he got in an argument with someone from school about Alanis Morrisette because he seriously thinks she’s terrible and look, I’m not her #1 fan, not a saesang for Alanis or anything, but I do genuinely like her as an artist and really enjoy a lot of her songs (this came later in life though — I didn’t really “get” it in real time when she was a new artist in the 90s and all over MTV, etc. I remember my friend Christy asking me in the car on the way to tennis practice if I had heard of her and I was like, “Yeah, this is not my thing” because I was super into rap and R&B at the time and also never wanted to like the same things my friends liked LOL why am I like this).

Anyway! I got really annoyed with Chooch, especially considering I’m always on edge whenever RYAN REYNOLDS comes up, so I started forcing him to listen to her songs that I like the most and one of the ones I sent him after he escaped back to his room was UNINVITED from the City of Angels soundtrack.


WTF, wow, OK, I get that we were in Alanis Country but that would not be the choice from her discography that I expected, so I was super surprised and pleasantly surprised, because that song is THE FUCKING SHIT.

YES. Back when women sang with their real voices. We love to hear it.

Anyway, that happened.

Then Chooch and I rode some really whack darkride / coaster called Something Mountain Guardians or something. Um first of all, SIX OF THE SEATS in one of the trains were out of order, so Chooch and I got the entire train to ourselves. I had no idea what to expect because I had never seen much content about this in any of the videos I’ve watched, which was good because in the last room, something unexpected happens which caused me  to scream SO LOUD like I was being murdered, only for theh door to open and our train to proceed to the exit which was right next to the line of people waiting to get on.

So everyone heard me scream and they were all staring at me.

It made me crack up so bad because this was 100% not a thrill ride but if you based it on my screams….

Anyway, as far as darkrides go, that was very outdated and also the audio wasn’t working. But the beginning and end made up for it, in my opinion.

Already posted these, but here is one of thee first #carouselfies of 2023 again!


I think this is the one that will make it on the carouselfie wall.

OK, whatever I said earlier about Wilde Beast? Quadruple it and that’s how I felt this fucking piece of shit called Mighty Canadian Mindblower or something. What a disaster of a coaster. But first, let’s back it up and talk about that ride attendant up there who BELLOWED, “GET. DOWN. FROM. THE RAILING!!!! at every railing-sitting perp she eye-balled. There was a group of young guys behind us and after she screamed at one of them, his friend was like, “Yo, I would NEVER let someone yell at me like that. ARE YOU KIDDING?” and he was so stunned that this little bitch with the big mouth was flexing her authority with no clapback. I mean, I didn’t really disagree with him. I can see if she was having to tell the same person over and over again to get off the railing – then OK fine. But she was SATAN-ROARING this shit on first time offenders and it was so startling every time.

So yeah, I feel like if she had mouthed off on me in that way, I would have pushed back. I HATE being yelled at. HATE IT.

But also, I know not to sit on railings. So…

There was a young girl in line in front of us with her two friends and at the last second, she wussed out and asked if she could cross over to the exit instead of boarding the train. In hindsight, I wish I had followed her lead because this ride actually completely ruined the rest of the day for me. The jackhammering was unrelenting and I screamed IN PAIN through the entire duration. Even Chooch was in pain and he is a teenager who feels nothing. And it was a LONG LAYOUT too! Torture! Please RMC this abomination!!

Ugh I was so sick after this but STILL got in line for Behemoth, the park’s hyper coaster. One of the things I loved about this one was the CREW! They had a guy in the station who was overlooking the line below and would literally sound off a SIREN and then call out linejumpers over his megaphone. It was glorious.

They were assigning rows but I said, “Can we please have the back?” and made prayer-hands. That is the key. Henry said also “being cute” helps but that’s not me so it must be the prayer hands. They always act like they want to say no, but then they end up sighing and nodding. YESSS. It doesn’t hurt to ask, you guys! Back row is the best row! (Well, mostly.)

Anyway, I think this was my favorite ride in the park. I just LOVE hypers in general. The downside though is that as soon as it came to a stop on the brake run, my nausea and headache immediately came back with a vengeance and all I could think was, “OMG am I going to puke on a stationary coaster?” Literal, I was close. The puke was tickling my ghost-tonsils, is all I’m saying.

Shitty coasters aside (not including that beauty in the background), this park was so aesthetically pleasing. This shot was taken facing the entrance, with the moutain behind me.

I wanted a Beaver Tail all day! Look how happy The Purples look!

I went with the nutella version and it was perfect park snack. Not too heavy, just right. (I did share with Henry, ugh.)

We were going to leave after this, but then we realized we hadn’t walked over to this medieval section of the park yet. There was a coaster back there called Dragon Fyre and Henry pointed out that it was a walk-on. I knew, KNEW, that I should have JUST SAID NO, but I am always trying to prove that I am the parent who can be counted on, so I said, “Chooch, let’s get you one last credit today” and honestly I don’t even think he cared one way or the other. But we did it, we got on this piece of shit corkscrew and it KILLED ME. My brain felt so jostled, my face was hot yet clammy, I couldn’t get my vision to merge back into one. It was soooo bad.

“That wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be,” Chooch said, all upbeat, as the train returned to the station, and I hissed, “Speak for yourself. Burn the bitch down.”

I had to go and sit on a stone wall next to some fake lake thing while Henry and Chooch went off in search of water for me. I have somehow managed to make it 43 years without ever puking in an amusement park but that streak came so close to ending on this day. I felt so wrecked, you guys.

We left about 20 minutes before the park closed at 8 and the whole drive to the hotel, I was chanting in my head, “Please don’t puke, please don’t puke.” I went to bed at 9:30 that night, you guys. 9:30. Dead to the world.

In summary, day one at Canada’s Wonderland wasn’t the WORST day I’ve ever had at a park, but it still left a lot to be desired. STAY TUNED FOR DAY 2. Was it better? Was it worse? NO SPOILERS.

Say it don't spray it.

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