Sep 072023
I know you have been absolutely panting with anticipation over this, and now you can collapse onto your fainting couch and relax with a damp handkerchief draped over your feverish brow, because part 2 is here.

Look,  Henry doth returned from his quest for a portable phone charger. He was in a MOOD too because he hadn’t eaten yet since Chooch and I sent him on his journey back to the hotel (ON FOOT NO LESS, NOT EVEN A STALLION TO CARRY THE WIDE LOAD) before he had a chance to eat dinner, lololol.

It wasn’t NOT crowded at Tivoli that evening, being a summer Saturday after all, but it didn’t really feel crowded until we were in the more narrow areas like this one. It was a bit claustrophobic but I was also so caught up in how magical everything felt that I didn’t even had time to panic.

This little nook was like the OG Diagon Alley, honestly. I loved it! Even if amusement parks aren’t your jam, if you ever find yourself in Copenhagen, this should 100% be on your itinerary. I mean, do you like food? History? Feeling like you should be wearing a petticoat? Then come here.(I don’t even know what a petticoat is for sure, but I can tell you that Tivoli has the petticoat vibes.)
Chooch loved it here too, lololol.
Sorry, I could have stood here all evening taking photos. It was my favorite section of the place!
This was the facade of a funhouse which was basically just a rave for children and I almost had my kneecaps broken when one particularly high-energy child came barreling into me when I stupidly stood in the middle of the room like a dumb-dumb, totally asking for it, here I am, the Big Dumb American target.

Here’s a Chooch POV of him living dangerously in a Danish funhouse.

Ugh, I wanted to ride more stuff but Henry was like ME MEAT HEAD, MUST EAT so we went him to the food hall where it took him forever to decide what to eat because again, these parks had GOOD FOOD, yo. Like, GOOD FOOD.
He ended up with a burger of some sort from a place called COCKS & COWS hahaha.
LOL yeah boy, shove it in!
We had to get stamped in order to leave the park and enter the food hall (this is something that can be accessed from outside of the park too, so you don’t need to pay park admission to eat there) and I was excited because the stamp said TIK TAK. “Tak” means “thanks” in Danish but I’m not sure what the significance is behind “tik tak” other than sounding fun.
Speaking of fun, check out this railing!!
Imagine coming here on a date!! I can’t imagine it, I was with Henry. *cries in Boring Relationship* I wonder what Henry would have done if he was here with the GIRL WHO GOT OMG SO WET on the rapids ride at King’s Dominion last weekend?! Ugh, he probably would have given her back hugs which he learned FROM K-DRAMAS because of ME thank you very much, while actually HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH HER and cooing pet names softly into the side of her perfect stupid hair when the only thing he ever calls me is URN!!!

Literally it sounds like he is calling me a vessel for corpse dust when he says my name!!

OMG Tivoli’s Rutschebanen was our very first brakeman rollercoaster! It was so cool!! Dude just stands up the whole time in the middle of the train while it’s cruising through tunnels. And there’s no airgates or any other kind of safety measurements on the loading platform so you just kind of step right on to it – I stood there and watched children running alonside of the train as it was coming to a stop!? Never in America. Never.
Here’s one of Johnny’s POVs from that day!

Not pictured, but we paid an upcharge for the walk-thru haunted house (I think it was maybe $15 for all three of us?) and it was so much fun! They sent us through just the three of us and it was slightly reminiscent of the one in Gatlinburg in that it seemed like there were only about 5 people working there, doing the most to get multiple scares at you. I really enjoyed it. Apparently, we could have bought a video or gif – I couldn’t figure out what it was – of us being scared in the kitchen and it was hilarious but the stupid QR code didn’t work for us Americans.

I only took this so we could try to fuck with the QR code later but it still didn’t work so OH WELL Tivoli, I tried to give you my $$ but your dumb thing won’t work for idiot Americans.

Second carouselfie of the trip!!!

The Hans Christian Anderson ride! A spin through this dark ride will have you REALLY seeing the Disney parallels.

Henry was in the car behind us, sleeping lol.
Even donuts were better on this trip :( I miss it. I miss everything.
Henry and the bitch from the rapids ride at King’s Dominion.
Fucking LICORICE ice cream from the famous Lakrids by Bulow. Literally the best gourmet licorice I have ever had (I have not had that much but I am still willing to wager that this is one of the best). I loved it. We had so many delicious delicious of slow-crafted licorice while in there too. The employees were wonderful and didn’t seem disgusted by us lard-o Americans with our crass palates. (To our faces, anyway.)
Henry’s Tivoli-Thoughts: “I thought it was a really nice park. I went in the haunted house. I forget what I rode. I rode that little kiddy coaster. (No you didn’t.) Yeah, I did! What else did I ride. It was too crowded. (It wasn’t that crowded.) I forget now. I would have rather have gone during the week when it wasn’t as crowded. Go ahead, write that, fucker.

Me again: It wasn’t THAT crowded?! The longest line we waited in was an hour for the Milky Way coaster. Everything else was 30 minutes or less?! Yes, there were a lot of people there but it didn’t feel excessive?! I don’t know why I asked Henry for his opinion because it was wrong.

What else – we got all the coaster creds. We definitely bickered a lot, lol. (Still jet-lagged.) Chooch conned me into going on some flat ride that I couldn’t see from the line because the ride itself was on top of a building – it was like crazy spinny airplane things that went upside down and I wasn’t too fond of it but even less fond of the children in line behind us who were rough-housing (hello, I’m my dad now) and being so OBNOXIOUS and oh wouldya look – they were AMERICAN.

My only regret is not riding Rutschebanen more than once!! I was so caught up in needing to see everything that was going on, that I couldn’t contemplate rerides at that time. Yes, I fucked up, fam. But…now I just need to go back someday! With a DATE. Someone who will be like, “Babe, let’s get some licorice ice cream and lick it together under the most picturesque tree which I have spotted with my monocle that I just happen to keep tucked into the BREAST POCKET of the pin-striped suit I am wearing just for this special occasion of being WITH YOU and then the next big Decemberists rip off indie band will walk by and feel inspired to pen a song about OUR LOVE that features an accordion and a beat made up of the sound of the wooden shoes of puppets hitting a pirate ship’s plank.”

I will probably break up with that guy after the first date but at least we will have the memories. And a song that will probably quickly play in the background of a scene with a couple (the girl has DIY Pippi bangs and the boy has a handlebar ‘stache) riding vintage bikes with poodles in the wicker baskets in an upcoming mumblecore flick that never even makes it to Tubi.

Mostly, we just took everything in. I couldn’t believe we were there, you guys. The famous, storied Tivoli Gardens. “I can’t believe we’re here” was pretty much the tagline of this whole entire trip. I am bankrupt now but I do not regret a single moment of this. I can’t wait to spend the next three fucking months recapping the rest because this was the only the FIRST FULL DAY and it’s taken me approx. 2 weeks to get it on this dying corner of Internet Diary Land.

  2 Responses to “Day 1, Park #2: Tivoli Gardens, Part 2 – “I Can’t Believe We’re Here.””

  1. This all looks so amazing
    You truly live a life worthy of envy. So, ya, jealous af over here on my couch

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