Andrea’s mom thought it was hilarious that I almost took my own life the last time Andrea and I crafted together, so she sent Andrea here with more projects: tissue paper art, to be exact. The sole consolation was that it didn’t involve glue guns or reading instructions.
The glue that came with my kit was all jacked up, of course, so Henry had to involve himself which he was really trying to avoid. (Andrea’s mom sent a tissue paper kit for him too, and when Andrea pointed that out, Henry mumbled from the couch, “I’m eating.” Plus, Criminal Minds was on! Jesus!) Meanwhile, I figured if I was going to be miserable, everyone had to be miserable, so I put on Jonny Craig.
Chooch ran out of glue before he was finished, which is one reason why I rarely craft with him – kids and glue make me nervous! However, I just found out that my friend Seri likes to do craft projects, so he can just go to her house and splash around in Elmer’s from now on.
OMG Andrea’s was the worst and she knew it. I couldn’t even figure out what she was trying to achieve, but she left it here in case I ever run into a displaced woodsman looking for kindling.
I hated this project until I realized that I had all the proper hues of tissue to create the most majestic Jonny Craig giraffe. I didn’t use the googly eyes that came with the kit, because I felt that the dots already on the giraffe uncannily resembled Jonny’s beady rodent eyes. Why fuck with that? I added some vomit for good measure, and then made it my Facebook profile picture to further mock the fact that Andrea’s tissue paper giraffe completely shit the bed. She was so irritated that I started out being a hateful brat until Jonny swooped in and gave me the strength to carry on.
I just asked Chooch to give me his review of the craft project and he said, “Boring.”
“Can you give me more information?” I asked, because I’m perpetually unhappy with one word answers, I wonder why.
“Boring and dumb,” he said and walked away.
That’s just because he’s mad that mine was so much better than his. He threw a fit about it that night, too.
I can’t help it that I win at everything, even gluing tissue paper. I guess it helps to have a ginger muse.