Dec 032008

I was fourteen when I met Pignaceous. I remember that because it was the day after I got my period. Mama says, “Darlene, you a woman now. Those boys at school are gon’ smell that on you so you best keep those legs closed, missy!

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It was a humid day, that day I met the pig, and I was walking home from school. Now, on these walks home, I always got to pass the bus depot.

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Lots of unsavory characters loitered outside, flicking ashes and wagging their tongues at me; but on this one day in particular, this humid day, a pig-man stepped away from all those derelicts and offered up his hankie so that I may mop my sweaty brow.

I thanked him. He tipped his hat to me. Turns out Pignaceous, that was the name he gave me, was a sheriff over in a Hawaiian town. Said that damn town got drowned in piping hot lava, all the way from the post office right down to the tobacco store.

Next thing I know, Pignaceous is walking home with me.

Next thing I know after that, Pignaceous is eating supper with my folks and me.

And next thing I know after all that, I’m waking up to find Pignaceous eating my folks for breakfast.

Now, I don’t mind so much, not like you’d think. See, Ma – well, she been known to swat my behind with a wooden spoon. ‘Specially now that Mother Nature made me into a Woman. She’s just certain I’m gon’ go and get myself knocked up by some boy on the AV squad, even though I been telling her time after time that those boys don’t look at anything that don’t got a hard drive and a CRT glare.

And see, Pa – well, he been known to get good and drunk off the sauce, real rot-gut brandy, and leave his boot prints on my behind from time to time.

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‘Specially if I be forgettin’ to pack his pipe before he gets home from work.

So see, I don’t mind so much to see that fuckin’ pig tearing away the flesh from their bones like us country folk eatin’ barbeque ribs on the Fourth.

Now, Pignaceous, he DOES mind. He’s worried I’m gon’ turn him in, ruin his hearty morning eats. But I say to him, “Pig, you listen here. I fuckin’ hate my folks. You want to ravage their flesh? Be my guest. Can I get you the Ketchup?”

This photo captures the creepiness that can only be found in a vintage Sheriff Pig. Give him your change before he serves you up at the next Hawaiian- style Person Roast.

Who doesn’t enjoy a nice luau?

This photo measures 8×8. It is printed professionally on fine quality metallic paper

  9 Responses to “Pignaceous”

  1. i love the voice you created in darlene. your details are always so good that you can visualize everything. which can be frightening- but so what!?!?!

    seriously please make a book of all of your stories. (awesome and creepy photos included) i love them.

  2. OK I found you on Etsy and have been drawn to these stories. You should be getting so many more comments, I don’t get it.

    Anyway, I agree with the above commentor. Get these in a collection!

  3. Yes, I would buy that book!

  4. Note to self: do not read these before going to bed.

  5. You’re literally the fucking best.
    Nothing cures a broken heart like a man-eating piggy.

    Thank you for cheering me up some. This story is awesome.

    Nicholas´s last blog post..Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Gay Cowboys

  6. This is now added to my Christmas wishlist.

    I have been meaning to comment because I wanted to thank you SO MUCH for the photo I bought from you! It was so nice of you to work with me in placing the order since I’m not on that esty thing.

    I loved “Trudy Stufflebean” just from seeing it online, but in real life- Ohmygod. It is amazing. Seriously, the quality is excellent. That photo is such a conversation starter with all of our guests. EVEN Rocky’s machismo laced friends.

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