Dec 132008


Although horror is my absolute favorite genre of TV, movies, art and books (and sometimes even music), I get all spastic and overly-paranoid when it comes to movies that are based on or inspired by true events. So while I’ve been wanting to see The Strangers since it came out, I’ve been putting it off.

I tried watching it alone Thursday afternoon before work. The sun was out, Henry and Chooch were napping, I thought I could do it. I lasted maybe twenty minutes. Nothing had even happened yet, really, but Liv Tyler’s character was alone in the house while Ben from Felicity (RIP my favorite WB show) went to get her cigarettes and the suspense was literally making my veins pulse and my heart was beating so fast that I was starting to not breathe properly, so I paused it and woke up so he could be my audience as I repeatedly screeched, “I CAN’T WATCH IT I’M SO SCARED I CAN’T WATCH IT PLEASE COME DOWNSTAIRS I’M GOING TO DIE THEY’RE COMING TO GET ME I’M HUNGRY MAKE ME A SANDWICH AND WHERE’S MY DIAMOND RING IT’S BEEN SEVEN YEARS.”

That night at work, my boss Dave took a side job as Heart Attack Giver and had me clutching my chest every fifteen minutes. He fucking gets off on terrorizing me with loud, booming noises and one of these days, I’m going to be seeking workman’s comp because of him. Then I mistakenly told him that I was even jumpier because I had tried to watch that movie, so that gave him even more ammo and I began wishing I had a periscope to guide me around corners.

I looked in the rear view mirror every two seconds on the way home that night.

Last night, with big strong Henry by my side, I managed to watch that damn movie from beginning to end, biting off my pinkie nail in the process and taking mental note of all the ways some asshole could conceivably break into my house. It didn’t do any favors for my blood pressure.

As I tried to fall asleep afterward, I told Henry for the twenty billionth time that I would really like to buy a gun. “One of those tiny girly ones. With diamonds.” (I feel like we’ve had that conversation before.)

“Yeah right,” Henry mumbled into his pillow, which is coincidentally the same thing he says when I ask for a ring, and we fell asleep.

  18 Responses to “An Early Grave”

  1. right, so like, when are you two crazy kids getting married?

    you should propose to him. i would totally come see you get hitched.

    gee, maybe you should try to sell him on THAT idea. instead of it being all about a wedding, make it all about you meeting your internet besties.

    sarah mascara´s last blog post..Writer’s Block: Loved Ones Afar

    • That’s not a bad idea, my friend! And then if I ask HIM, HE’LL be responsible for planning the whole thing!

      I mean, the reception will probably involve roasting weenies around a campfire, but whatever gets it done, I guess.

      You will totally be invited if it ever happens!

  2. i want this

  3. I like this painting. It’s cute in a blood-smeared kinda way XD

    I’ve been wanting to see that movie but I’m sure it’ll freak me out really badly.

  4. If it makes you feel any better, the “based on true events” thing is more bullshit than true. At least, the story of the actual crime sounds nothing like the plot of the movie. According to wikipedia. And wikipedia can’t be trusted. So maybe it was totally true. But I doubt it.

    And maybe if you seriously do want to get married, you should get the diamond gun and declare yourself engaged. Guns instead of rings = romance.

  5. This is the exact reason why I cannot watch psychotic thriller/horror movies. Ever. Zombies? Sure. Vampires? Bring it on. Aliens? I can take it. But give some psycho an ax and have him run rampant through a quiet town and I’m a mess. When I watched the first couple of “Saw” movies, I couldn’t sleep for days. I was convinced someone was going to kidnap me and torture me and I knew I’d never be able to survive that. I’d be begging him to kill me. I can’t even take a NEEDLE for pete sake. So I totally know where you’re coming from. And I remember seeing the previews for that movie and saying “OHELLNO” when it came on.

    • YES! Exactly. And it would be just my luck to be the target of some random terrorization, too.

      The whole time I was watching it, telling myself, “This is just a movie” didn’t help because you know shit like that happens.

      I wouldn’t be able to survive that either. I don’t think I’d be able to shake myself out the sheer shock of it all to be able to fight!

      • Totally. That is so my line “I keep wanting to say ‘it’s just a movie’ but people DO THIS SHIT.” And I’m always saying that it’s not a good idea to put these god awful scary psycho thrillers out into the public, because some sicko is going to get ideas and start doing it!! And I so wouldn’t survive it. I would just… I don’t know what. If I for some miracle DID survive something like that, you’d have to lock me up in a padded room forever because I’d never recover.

        I’m into thrillers and horror, but not the psychotic kind. I’m too damn paranoid for that.

        Jessa´s last blog post..I’m not complaining, I’m making a statement

  6. I LOVE THIS PAINTING!!!!~!!~!~!

    i also enjoy when you’re scared. i can’t blame dave.

  7. This painting is cute/disturbing, not unlike myself, I love it!

    I agree that movies based on reality are always the best, I feel you on that one completely. I’m a total wuss too, despite my fascination and eagerness for being scared.

    Personally I feel the ring is overrated, I would be equally thrilled by a ring pop, but then again I’m not the average girl…

    P.S. I am stoked to see your Serial Killer cards, Billy told me he placed an order. Can’t wait!

    Jessi´s last blog post..For Realsies

    • Thank you! Thanks also for following me on twitter:)

      Last night, I was trying to sleep on the couch because Henry was snoring, but every time I closed my eyes I swore I could sense someone standing over top of me. It was awful. I ended up back in bed, basically trying to burrow myself inside Henry’s torso.

      Tell Bill to let me know which cards he wants! The dork never told me yet!

  8. Aww! What a kickass painting! I am so happy it sold so soon!!!



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