Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:01 About to thieve balloons from a car dealership. #
• 16:19 Clown shoes are not meant for hiking. #
• 17:40 Shoot outs make me nervous. #
• 21:26 Chooch just breezed past me, nudely holding a pink balloon. #
• 21:30 Watching The Song Remains The Same on mute while listening to Norma Jean is fun, but some acid would make it funnerrrr. #
• 22:45 Henry said that the only thing his ex-wife does better than me is cook. It was such a touching moment!! #
  

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• 12:37 Held Christina’s hand through her virginal Cupcake Experience. She won’t admit it, but strawberry frosting gave her goosebumps. #
• 17:07 This hockey game is not good for my blood pressure. I feel like I need to get in a bar fight now. #
• 17:15 I was a little overzealous with the last Penguin goal as evidenced by the new red hue of my knuckles. Chooch was like “wtf asshole bitch.” #
• 18:13 Walking past bra aisle, chooch goes “I have boobs? Like hers? Strawberry?” Hopefully he means boobs to touch, not to grow. #
• 18:15 twitpic.com/24yap – I want I want I want. #
• 20:39 Dear universe, you gave me everything I wanted this weekend. Now I’m scared to see what happens next. Go easy, plz. Toodles. #
  

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• 17:07 This is my first time watching Short Circuit as an adult. I am prepared to not be ashamed when I inevitably cry. #
• 17:10 After watching one blow up his favorite things in the world (cars), Chooch declared that he hates robots. #
• 19:29 I’ve been stuck in a preschool vortex all day. I’m a fucking counting pro now. #
• 21:58 Totally let a three-year-old convince me a monster was coming and I screamed so loud he jumped. It was just our stupid cat. #
  

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• 11:08 my new “prize and joy”: tinyurl.com/d3f5lh (via @addthis) #
• 11:09 i haven’t given a shit about st pattys day since my stepdad chucked a fork at me when i was 12 & it got lodged in my knuckles. Oh ho ho ho. #
• 14:04 Me: “I’m almost at 500 hearts!” Christina: “Now, this is on Etsy, and not how many you’ve broken in your life?” #

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