Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 12:54 Fuck, Chooch is being such an Ovechkin right now. #
• 14:04 I was featured here & she supports the Penguins, too! bit.ly/17Kgs8 #
• 14:13 @RhondaKibuk I can’t wait – a whole new team to heckle! I HATE THAT THEY HAVE CHEERLEADERS. Fucking Whoricanes. #
• 18:17 If sexting was around when I was in school, I probably would have engaged. That is, when I wasn’t too busy having real sex. #
• 18:41 Jealousy makes people look fucking retarded & I can’t lie – I love it. #
• 19:56 SATAN!!!!!! #
• 23:46 Fuck I need a county fair. Rusty-bolted rides and gnarly carnies, take me away. #
  

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• 11:03 Found it strange when, out of the blue, Chooch asked to give me a kiss. But when he spit in my face, it wasn’t so strange anymore. #
• 11:09 Hey SportsCenter, why not stroke Cam Ward’s cock a little harder. Hope you intend to swallow. #
• 12:26 Henry was just staring out the window at our new neighbor. With his hand down his pants. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s a midget. #
• 19:51 I’m giddy thinking of all the potential trouble awaiting me this summer. #
• 22:13 Considering calling Henry “Gayb” from now. Short for gaybo. Because he is one. A gaybo. Fucking Gayb. #
• 22:30 Watching Red Wings/Blackhawks game, totally spied some Bumpit-fied broad in the crowd. 1st time seeing it outside of the commercial, guys! #
  

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• 02:18 29 years old and I still can’t sleep with my back to the bedroom door. #
• 20:55 Janna is struggling at iSpy; it is sad yet hilarious simultaneously. #
• 20:57 Perhaps I’m being too ambitious with the TV show starring Henry’s eyebrows. The realistic first step is giving them a LiveJournal. #
  

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• 00:10 My dream job is to write uncensored reviews of amusement parks and carnivals. #
• 08:37 Can’t wait to get drunk & play #thingieball this weekend. Sounds like a tutu occasion, if you ask me. #
• 08:38 Perhaps I should also bring a helmet. #
• 08:49 @saucalisha yes because I don’t trust you! Also, I’m thinking a sword…. #
• 12:18 Wondering what it’s like to have a TREEHOUSE since SOMEONE won’t build me one. (GAYB!!!) #

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