May 212009


Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 12:54 Fuck, Chooch is being such an Ovechkin right now. #
  • 14:04 I was featured here & she supports the Penguins, too! #
  • 14:13 @RhondaKibuk I can’t wait – a whole new team to heckle! I HATE THAT THEY HAVE CHEERLEADERS. Fucking Whoricanes. #
  • 18:17 If sexting was around when I was in school, I probably would have engaged. That is, when I wasn’t too busy having real sex. #
  • 18:41 Jealousy makes people look fucking retarded & I can’t lie – I love it. #
  • 19:56 SATAN!!!!!! #
  • 23:46 Fuck I need a county fair. Rusty-bolted rides and gnarly carnies, take me away. #

  • 11:03 Found it strange when, out of the blue, Chooch asked to give me a kiss. But when he spit in my face, it wasn’t so strange anymore. #
  • 11:09 Hey SportsCenter, why not stroke Cam Ward’s cock a little harder. Hope you intend to swallow. #
  • 12:26 Henry was just staring out the window at our new neighbor. With his hand down his pants. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s a midget. #
  • 19:51 I’m giddy thinking of all the potential trouble awaiting me this summer. #
  • 22:13 Considering calling Henry “Gayb” from now. Short for gaybo. Because he is one. A gaybo. Fucking Gayb. #
  • 22:30 Watching Red Wings/Blackhawks game, totally spied some Bumpit-fied broad in the crowd. 1st time seeing it outside of the commercial, guys! #

  • 02:18 29 years old and I still can’t sleep with my back to the bedroom door. #
  • 20:55 Janna is struggling at iSpy; it is sad yet hilarious simultaneously. #
  • 20:57 Perhaps I’m being too ambitious with the TV show starring Henry’s eyebrows. The realistic first step is giving them a LiveJournal. #

  • 00:10 My dream job is to write uncensored reviews of amusement parks and carnivals. #
  • 08:37 Can’t wait to get drunk & play #thingieball this weekend. Sounds like a tutu occasion, if you ask me. #
  • 08:38 Perhaps I should also bring a helmet. #
  • 08:49 @saucalisha yes because I don’t trust you! Also, I’m thinking a sword…. #
  • 12:18 Wondering what it’s like to have a TREEHOUSE since SOMEONE won’t build me one. (GAYB!!!) #

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  3 Responses to “Tweets for Penguins”

  1. ok a bunch of awesomness in this post
    first the pens banner
    then the a.k.a. tart-tits
    third it needs to go on pensblog

    oh and i saw tutu and instantly thought tatu!

    now some questions:
    were you really that much of a whoricane in school because you reference that fact alot

    also just how violent do you plan on thingie ball being… should i wear a cup

    • OMG you and tatu!

      In school, I was a super big flirt, but I was a monogamous whoricane.

      So I’m struggling with Thingie Ball rules. I thought Alisha and I had it all figured out, but when I tried to show Janna (using a diagram, even!) she was all, “That doesn’t seem like it would work well.”


      It’s those velcro paddle things, you know? And I thought it could be all flag football/rugby/roller derby-esque (just the fashion, not the skates). Apparently, the deets need some ironing.

    • So is there a ball involved or do we just smack each other around with the velcro paddles?

      hmmm, so is the game day being postponed until rules are ironed out?

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