Dec 242009

Hello, here are two points of interest to preface the meat of this post:

  1. In all my thirty years, I have had very limited experience with libraries. Sure, I loved library days in elementary school when Miss Dittoro would read us some book while we all sat on the carpet. And in high school, someone coaxed me to sign up to be a student librarian so I could spend my study halls bullshitting with friends in lieu of inhaling stale “food” fumes in the cafeteria, where most study halls were held. (Little did I know that when we had some lame school award ceremony, my name would get called among all the student librarians, wherein I had to walk down the auditorium aisle, take the stage and stand there while everyone in the crowd pretended to applaud but were really mocking all of us book dorks.)
  2. Last weekend, a local lady on Twitter alerted me to the fact that not only is there some Facebook fanpage for people who grew up in my town, someone had written on the wall ABOUT MY BLOG. They listed the exact address and urged everyone to peruse a certain category where they could find photos I’ve taken and stories I’ve written about “characters they all know and love.” Hello, panic attack. My blog experienced a stat-spike the likes of which it hadn’t seen the Great LiveJournal-Oh Honestly Erin flame war of 2008. Sunday night I went to the gas station down the street from me to buy the paper (which I’ve never done before and you can ask Alisha, I was so confused) and literally hesitated on the threshold because I was afraid someone would know I was Oh Honestly, Erin and subsequently lynch me.

There, you have been properly educated and can now advance to the rest of this post.

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Henry is a card-carrying member of the Carnegie Library. There’s one on Brookline Blvd, right by the laundromat he and Chooch go to, so while the washing machines are sterilyzing our wardrobe of cat urine, he and Chooch will get all cozy in the library. Sometimes they even check books out.

Now, I usually will just buy books, or trade with friends. But, embarrassingly, I have been reading the House of Night series and haven’t been able to justify buying the next book in line since Christmas is so close and I have that child-thing that I should be spending my money on. It’s been killing me, not knowing what’s going to happen to that whore Zoey and her lame friends who think they are twins and say things like, “That boy is so fiiiiiiiine” and I’m like, “STFU who do you think you are, SWV?” So Henry, having all the answers as usual, goes, “Why don’t you check the library’s website?”

This is how I learned that I can sign up for a membership online AND THEY WILL RESERVE BOOKS FOR ME WTF. Yes, it’s practically 2010 and I’m just learning about LIBRARIES while everyone and their pastor is walking into people, squinting at their Kindles.

Yesterday, I got an email saying that my book is in and they put it on some super special shelf for me. I wanted Henry to get it for me, but then remembered that my membership is only temporary and I have to get the actual card when I go in.

“Can’t I just give you my ID and you can tell them that I’m retarded and can’t make it in?” I pleaded, because libraries are SCARY.

“Even retards go to the library,” Henry spat, insinuating that I’m a cause much greater lost.

I checked the website and it said they were open on Christmas Eve until 3pm. I didn’t want to wait any longer for this book to be in my (teenaged) hands, so I made Henry and Chooch get bundled and we set off up the street. Because god forbid I should go to the scary library alone, even after Henry practically drew me an Army-regulation map of what to do once I walked through the automatic doors. I have to bring my flock with me. Safety in numbers and all that.

A block away, I started to get anxious. “Oh my god, I’m so scared,” I repeated several times, mostly to myself but just loud enough for Henry to hear and take great pity on me. You should have seen me, clutching the email printout of my library membership to my chest and doing the I-Have-To-Pee jig.

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 Jesus probably had more composure walking with the goddamn cross.

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“What you SHOULD be scared of is being recognized on this street,” Henry challenged. I let that sink in for a second, and then quickly smoothed my hair closer to my face as a shield.

I risked my life walking down that street only to find that the library was closed. Those motherfuckers.

I’ll probably just go back to scamming Doubleday.

  12 Responses to “A Christmas Eve Tale: Libraries and Lynchings”

  1. I finally started reading Marked too. Not bad, but I cringe at a lot of the cool stuff. Or maybe I’m just too old and uncool to understand.

    I put books on hold all the time. What you need to do is place the holds on HENRY’s card and send him to get them for you!

    • The plot of the books is what keeps me coming back for more. But do you see what I mean about Zoey having that Mary Sue thing going on? I hate when I can’t like the main character! Some of the secondary characters get fleshed out more as the series progresses, so that’s a good thing.

      I checked out the synopses for the two angel books you told me about and I really want to read those now too! Damn this young adult curse.

  2. I’m getting Hush, Hush for Christmas. I was at Walmart buying holiday stuff for my mom with her bank card, and I saw the book so I bought it too. I gave it to her and told her, “This is what you’re getting me for Christmas!” and that I expect her to wrap it and put it under the tree. I keep talking about how anxious I am to read it like I couldn’t just walk into her room and take it. I’ll let you know how it goes!

    • Oh and PS I was totally scared when I was in the paper that everyone would know who I was. Even though I wasn’t named and there were no pictures of me. Everywhere I went I was like, omg what if these people knew who I am?? What would they think of me?? But then I realized that after the story is a couple days old nobody remembers anything anyway lol.

    • Yes, definitely let me know about Hush, Hush! They didn’t have it in at the Big Scary Library so I had to reserve it.

      I read your email as soon as you sent it, by the way, and will reply asap!

    • Oh my, I just reread my email. I couldn’t understand what I was talking about in places, and I’m the one who wrote it! Good luck with that.

  3. so you’re like totally famous now, right? I hope the paparazzi doesn’t start getting all octomom on you.
    I can relate to the library thing. I do love to read, but not much fiction. Paul got me a Mutter museum coffe table book and a Barbie identification guide for xmas this yaer so I’m pretty stoked on those.
    There was just an article in the local paper here about how the library was going to be closed due to budget cuts until 1/4. The big worry was where were all the homeless people going to sleep. Which is why I don’t go. That and the fact that they never have anything I want to read.
    P.s Have you heard of the Jason Martinko Revue?
    Merry Christmas!

    • More like infamous! The neighborhood I live in is considered part of the city of Pittsburgh, but it’s one of those places where most of the people here grew up here and everyone knows each other. Even though I moved here 10 years ago from the suburbs, I still feel like an outsider. So when I saw that my blog had been posted to that Facebook page, I nearly shat myself. Henry was all smug and said, “Good, I hope you get what you deserve” since I’m such an asshole stalker.

      I just hope my immediate neighbors don’t find out about it, but whatever – we wanted to move anyway! Lol.

      No, I haven’t heard of the Jason Martinko Revue. I’ll Google that today!

      I hope you guys had a really great Xmas!

      • So the Jason Martinko Revue is a band from Pittsburg that made this straight to dvd, worst b movie I’ve ever seen movie called “gone the way of the flesh” We watched it on Netflix the other day. I still don’t know what was going on in the movie except for some not that great band videos, bad fake moustaches, some batchlor party lesbian sex scenes thrown in for no reason, something about giving a shout out in a song to all these weird streets in Pittsburg (east,I guess), and the constant mentioning every 5 seconds by every person of the phrase “The Jason Martinko Revue”.
        Now Paul and I can’t stop saying it. I found their shirts on cafepress and bought one for him. Can’t wait until it gets here.

        • LOL! I DO know that! I haven’t seen the movie but Henry and I watched a documentary about it on the public access channel. It apparently was a pretty big deal around here which doesn’t surprise me, haha.

  4. “They listed the exact address and urged everyone to peruse a certain category where they could find photos I’ve taken and stories I’ve written about “characters they all know and love.””

    CHRIST. Just what you need, more stalkers.

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