Aug 292018

Me: Have you read my post about the Holiday World coasters?

Chooch: No, because I was there. So….

Did I tell you that we almost didn’t go to Holiday World? No, I mean even aside from Henry’s noncommittal. The forecast for that Saturday in Santa Claus, IN was all day showers/thunderstorms. I mean, all the way up until Friday, it looked like a  bad omen.

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And we endured a storm once in Indiana so I know those are nothing to fuck around with.

So Henry was like, “Look, you gotta make the call here. Do you want to chance it?” I hesitated for a whole 5 seconds probably, but ultimately said that we had no choice because I fake-bragged about this at work so we had to go or I’d look dumb and Henry was like, “That is honestly the stupidest reasoning but whatever.”

So we did it, we made the dumb drive and guess what? Not a single drop of rain landed on my dense head all ding-dong day. I mean, it was as humid as the rainforest with the lid on, so we wet in other ways…

…but no severe weather threw a wrench (or a lightning bolt) in our day, woo!

Holiday World is split up into five areas based on holidays, plus a water park which we didn’t go to because maybe I’m in a minority here (and I definitely was there, too) but I think water parks are disgusting and I get so skeeved out just thinking about them. I haven’t been to one since I was 12 and have no plans to ever go to another. Anyway, the holiday sections are: Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the 4th of July. I am genuinely upset that there was nothing for Easter, because I love pastels and bunnies and imagine the Zombie Jesus dark ride you could have up in that bitch.

The mind reels.

Let’s do a little photo tour of each section and I will tell you things along the way, like we’re on one of my lunch break walks together. Just hold your breath when we walk past the alleys – the stench of hot piss in the summer emanates.


Ya gotta know this was my favorite area, boi.

Goblin Burgers did not have veggie burgers, but KRINGLE’S CAFE did, don’t worry about Chooch and me.

I love that all the game facades and food places were purple and orange, and the restrooms had a witch on the womens door and a vampire on the mens door and also while we’re on the topic of toilets can I just commend HW on their commode cleanliness? Public restrooms in general are a crapshoot (lol crapshoot) and amusement parks can be on their very own tier of grody. But these ones were remarkably stench-free and each stall even had toilet seat sanitizer that you could pump out onto a wad of toilet paper to give the seats a real good last minute rub-down.

Here’s Chooch with a sunburned face, despite the fact that there were free sunscreen stations located all over the park.

So you know how I made you guys have a coaster circle jerk with me in my last Holiday World post? Well, you might be surprised to know that I had any room left over in my short attention span to also obsessed over the swings.

First of all, they’re called the HALLOWSWINGS and second of all, I was already obsessed with them before we got there because I saw a picture on the HW website and it was one of my pre-HW talking points at work and Glenn was like, “Are you 5?”


They are the prettiest swings I’ve ever seen at an amusement park!!

That detail! i want to go trick-or-treating just looking at it!

I knew that this park was small enough that we could probably ride everything and then leave in the early evening if we wanted to but when I saw the swings in person, I declared that we weren’t leaving that park until the sun went down because I needed to see it all lit up at night!

Wouldja look at the smiling jack o’lantern on top of the swing?! I wish that was on top of my house. Actually, I wish this whole swing set was in my yard. Well, maybe my mom’s yard since it’s way bigger than mine. I’ll just visit.

Every day.

See that girl in the green shirt behind me? As soon as the swings lifted up, she started SCREECHING, and I do mean SHRIEKING HER FUCKING FACE OFF, about how she didn’t want to ride it anymore and she just kept screaming and screaming that my shoulders kept raising toward my ears and the ride operator, who was getting the people on the ride before us all hyped up, was super quiet and no one was cheering, and we all just patiently waited for the ride to end so this kid would stop making us feel like we were in a deleted scene from Final Destination Part 666. Her fear was contagious and I was starting to panic.

When the swings descended and came to a complete stop, I turned around and asked her if she was OK and she yelled, “YES” all huffily and then ran away. I walked past just as she reunited with her family and, while stamping her feet, she shouted, “I AM NEVER RIDING THAT AGAIN” and her family was pretty unsympathetic about it. But even Henry, who was waiting for us with all the other parents, lol, was like, “The fuck was wrong with that girl?!”

Also in Halloween land was the HW log flume ride called Frightful Falls, which wasn’t as long as our beloved Log Jammer (RIP) was BUT it did have a semi-thrilling pitch black tunnel right in the beginning and that made up for the lack of flume-duration. Chooch and I got Henry to go on it with us later in the night, after begging and nearly causing a scene, and he admitted that it was OK and then we bought the picture because anytime Henry will actually ride something with us, we need a souvenir.

But can I stop here and criticize HW on one thing real quick? No haunted house in Halloweenland, Holiday World? Really?


Sadly, the Christmas section didn’t have any rides aside from a handful of kiddie bullshit, but it did have a sweet Nativity scene and Kringle’s Cafe, home of the $10 black bean burger. (At least the drinks in Holiday World are free?)

Special fake burgers for me and Chooch, the special little liberal snowflakes who use reusable straws. God, we suck so bad!

OMG we sat across from a family who said prayers before digging into their food and ended it with two power fists in the air, which was kind of cool and made me want to start saying food-grace just so I could have some awesome jazz-handy ending.

While we were eating, SANTA HIMSELF walked past the window so Chooch knocked on it real hard but when Santa turned around, all he saw was me, so he waved joyfully and I shyly waved back. Thanks, Chooch.

Meanwhile, over in the attached Mrs. Claus’s Kitchen, I finally got my lips around a critically acclaimed—no not an elf dick—Holiday World frozen hot chocolate and even though it made me sick because I had just eaten a $10 black bean burger and fries, it was worth the wait. I mean, I’ve never had one from Serendipity but do they use Mrs. Claus’s secret recipe? DOUBT IT.

I was so smug that I remembered to bring a reusable straw but then FUNNY STORY there was a hole in the drawstring bag we had with us so by the end of the day, we lost 2 out 3 straws, yeah that’s us, literally littering with reusable straws.

Le sigh.

We went back later and JUST CAUGHT SANTA and his handler with 5 minutes to spare before photos with Santa was over, but it was really awkward because we rolled up on them while they were talking and Santa wasn’t even sitting in his Santa Throne, and I had my camera out like could it be any more clear that I wanted a picture, but instead, he just stood there and drilled us on our thoughts of like every ride there and it dawned on me that perhaps photos weren’t free and they were all packed up for the day, so every time there was a pregnant pause, I would try to thank them for their time, but then Santa would ask, “Now, which seat did you sit on when you rode Thunderbird? Inside or outside? OH NO YOU GOTTA RIDE IT AGAIN AND SIT ON THE OUTSIDE, THAT’S THE BEST SEAT” and the glitter in his beard was making  my eyes crossed and I was perspiring so badly and Henry was just loafing on the other side of the candy shop, looking at cases of cupcakes and candy apples, avoiding my hostage eyes.

Finally, Santa dismissed us and Henry was like, “Did you get a picture?”

Fuck off, Henry.


I mean, I’m not patriotic, but I guess we were in a state where they give a shit about this stuff, so sure, let’s 4th of July it up.

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I was excited about this section for one thing: THEY HAVE A CALYPSO THERE. Granted, they call theirs the Firecracker, but it’s a Calypso nonetheless and when I was a little, it was my favorite ride at Kennywood but no one believes me that it was there because all of my friends were abducted by aliens at some point and I swear they have no MEMORY when it comes to our childhood.

I look like such an herb in this picture but I love it because I can tell you without a doubt that I was saying something disparaging about Henry here, and it probably had something to do with when we were in a CVS parking lot that morning and saw a guy wearing an NRA shirt so Chooch and I were going off about how the NRA is run by the devil and just as Henry started to chime him, I cut him off and said in the Eeyore-voice I use when I’m pretending to be Henry, “Not all NRA members are baaaaad.” Chooch almost threw up in the car from laughing so hard after I said this, so we kept yelling it randomly throughout the day, in lieu of “wooo”s and “yeah”s on all of the rides.

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The first time we rode this ride, the ride operator was talking about high school soccer teams to anyone who would listen, and the second time, a different ride operator said, “I like your Dance Gavin Dance shirt” as checked to make sure our seatbelts were fastened, so then we had a brief post-hardcore convo while he checked the cars around ours and in my head, I screamed, “HOLIDAY WORLD IS THE PLACE FOR ME.”

But really, Indiana probably is not the place for me.

Oh yeah, every time we got off a ride, the operator would wish a happy whatever-holiday-section we were in, so that was fun to say, “HAPPY 4TH OF JULY TO YOU  TOO!”

Henry thought that sign said “Fucking a Country” and I couldn’t stop laughing and now I think that’s what they should name the movie about Trump’s “presidency.”

The carousel was small and not as grand as I wanted it to be but I got to ride on a rabbit and that was enough to keep me satiated.

OMG I was wrong – Henry rode not four but FIVE rides at Holiday World!

I mean, of course it would be called this.

We rode the train just so Henry could have something to ride.

It was filled with nursery rhyme scenes so I think it actually was part of kiddie land and not 4th of July Boro.

Henry was disgusted that Peter Pumpkin Eater couldn’t think of anything rougher to do to his dumb wife.

Yeah boy, free beverage all day long! What a novel idea! And before you think we walked around burping up Pepsi all day, we’re actually not a soft drink family at all so we were happy to see that water, Gatorade, and iced tea were also options. They had a great diet peach green tea on tap so I drank that when I wanted something more than water, but we all mostly just drank water and it was amazing not having to spend $3 for bottled water (which I always refill at water fountains but still….)

Paper cups too, thank god.

OK, I read about this Udderly Blue Ice Cream online and I was positive that I wasn’t going to like it because I tend to shy away from anything blue raspberry and even the wild cherry sounded too artificial for my liking, so while we were in line I changed my mind and decided to not get anything.

Chooch got a cup of the twist and Henry got a cup of just the cherry, and after one tiny bite of that I was like, “Oh here, let me help you eat that” and then I tried the blue raspberry in Chooch’s twist and WHOA NELLY (I only say that out of respect for the 80s classic Labyrinth which I still can’t spell on my own without Googling 25 years later, I’m so great) that shit was actually pretty fucking divine. Both flavors were deep and not overly sweet and sugary, if that makes any sense. I could have easily sucked back a bowl all on my own.

I made Henry get sprinkles on his and he was like, “Why, this isn’t yours” LOL everything is mine, dumbass.


We probably spent most of our time in the Thanksgiving section because Chooch and I had both imprinted on the Voyage and probably the only time we fought all day when we were competing over who liked it better and I was about to dig up a fucking diamond and propose to that goddamn thing just to prove a point, ugh.

In this section, you could eat an actual Thanksgiving dinner at the Plymouth cafe, which I’m sure was super-congealed and freezer section-y, but I appreciated that they offered a vegetarian version which was four sides and cornbread.

We didn’t eat there, though Henry kept looking in the window every time we walked past.

What is: something Henry uses up every day after one conversation with me.

Oh shit, Holiday World had a dark ride and it was Thanksgiving-themed! It was called Gobbler Getaway and it was a shooting darkride.

I was too fixated on shooting to win so I actually didn’t pay any attention  to the scenes, which is dumb. I should have went on a second time just to enjoy the experience, but I had the high-score and I didn’t want one of those assholes to beat it the second time.

Also, aside from when there was Cleanup Project on the Voyage, this was probably the longest line we stood in, and that was around 20 minutes.

Worth it though.

Also  in this area, we saw that scuzzy couple that was making out behind us that morning in Subway (god, do you even read my blog posts?! I know, they’re like a puzzle, but still) but they were definitely not making out now and in fact, they looked like they were on the verge of a breakup and for some reason, this was very satisfying to me.

Of course the Tilt-a-Whirl would be called the Turkey Whirl!

I think it’s pretty funny that I was so certain we would probably leave the park early in the evening, but then we ended up shutting that bitch down. It was like being a kid again, running around in that darkened park, trying to get one more ride in on each coaster while Henry casually strolled in our wake, carrying the bags and our drinks, letting us be the fucking freaks that we are.

I can’t get over how fun this little park is and I highly recommend it to any amusement park enthusiast because it’s quirky as fuck and has an arsenal of secret weapons in the shape of some pretty beastly wooden coasters. Just beware that there doesn’t seem to be much else than pizza parlors in the area so if you’re planning on eating dinner outside of the park, you might end up at Jenk’s Pizza 20 minutes before they close and have to be the asshole who makes the two teenagers working there stay a bit later in order to make your family a pizza with a ton of black olives on it.

This was when Henry asked, “Is this unsweetened tea?” even though there was a big sign under the pitcher that said, “TRY OUR SWEET TEA.” Chooch and I were dying. So now those teenagers were like, “Wow this fucking family is making us stay late and the dad is also dumb as hell.”

The pizza was fucking good though.

Then Henry casually slapped down a tip on the counter and said in a deeper-than-usual voice, “Have a good night guys” and Chooch and I were trying not to pee.

We had a blast at Holiday World, and we all got along which is the most important part. Also, the hotel I booked for us wasn’t a sex-shack so we were able to get a good night’s sleep afterward. It was all-around a pretty perfect day.

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