Mar 072008

Last night I found out that Giada from the Food Network knows about polenta and evidently likes it enough to have recipes about it. That was enough to win me over. I know lots of people hate her because she’s a Bobblehead, but ever since I watched her Chef Biography, I evicted a few people* from my heart to make room for her.

I thought Henry was feeding me some kind of orphanage staple at first, and I’m too proud to be eating like the poor. Then I read that in Northen Italy, it’s more popular than pasta! I like Italy, the northen parts too, so polenta MUST be alright. As long as hobos aren’t eating it, too.

Feeling inspired, I called up my pal Google and after getting the obligatory "Remember when we were in ‘Nam" chit chat out of the way, he helped me find this recipe and I think I might burst if Henry doesn’t make it.

That Blueberry Banana Polenta Thing
2 very ripe bananas
1 cup corn flour  (maybe *fine* ground corn meal, at your own risk)
1/2 cup whole wheat flour (might add wheat germ to increase fiber)
2 T. honey 
1 T. Succanat (or 3 T. Succanat and no honey for vegans)
1/2 cup water (or use *nonfat* milk, juice, or soy moo)
1 1/2 tsp. Ener-g egg replacer (or 1 egg white)
1/4 tsp. guar gum (optional)
1/2 tsp. baking soda (or slightly less)
2 T. nonfat yogurt (this is needed to make the baking soda work)
1/2 tsp. cinnamon (or as much as you can handle, ie. more…)
1/2 tsp. cardamom (ditto)
1 1/2 cups blueberries (fresh)

Preparation: Mash bananas with a potato masher, add all remaining ingredients,
except for blueberries.  Stir well.  Lightly oil a small pan, or 8 muffin tin,
by dipping a paper napkin in a drop of oil and spreading this all over the
baking surface (or spray with Pam).  Pour batter into pan (8" x 5") or muffin
tin.  Sprinkle top with blueberries, the more the better.  Blueberries won’t
sink to the bottom, so you have to press them down if you want to get even more
of them in.  Bake at about 400F for about 25-35 minutes, my guess.  Serve warm.
This will taste quite rich, the warm melted blueberries get runny and yummy!

Ok, so mostly for me this is  like reading a recipe in ancient Ukranian script, but I see operative words like "blueberry" "honey" and "banana" and that’s all I need to crown a winner. And also some shit called Suckonnat which is now masturbating my curiosity, thanks.

I couldn’t find a photo of this magnificant heap of fruity cornmeal, but I bet it still turns out looking like it just shot down the Devil’s steaming asshole after a late night smorgasbord of chipotle Aborigine bowels and refried lepers, much like this delicious polenta plate with runny fungus slopped over top pictured below. Probably it will be blue diarrhea at least.



*Henry and my mom.

  8 Responses to “Polenta Update”

  1. Did you know there is a Chiodos plaza on Stuebenville Pike? There is an awesome bar/restaurant there called the Bronze Hood. You may already know this.

    Also, I have eaten polenta made by real northern Italian ladies in northern Italy; it rocks. I want to make some now.

    • I didn’t know there was a Chiodos plaza! Speaking of bands, Corey is apparently really into the Cure now. I’m taking him to see them in Philly, so hopefully we can re-bond. He barely talks to me anymore.

      All the times I was in Italy, I never had polenta. I don’t know how I managed that. I really hope that someday I can stop wanting to call it ‘placenta.’ That might make it easier to warm up to, as well.

    • The Italian ladies told me that polenta is what the Alpine mountain men eat to keep them warm and full in all their mountaineering…agreed that the polenta/placenta situation is somewhat disturbing…I think cats eat their own placentas (in cleaning off their kittens) so there you go-placentas are eaten too! By cats though, not people…

      Um, you really should go to Chiodos Plaza and the Bronze Hood. Not to be missed.

      Can’t believe Corey is all grown up. He will forever be a little baby to me, vomiting down my back and onto my leg! Nasty. He didn’t seem too interested in talking to me either, last time we were at a party together (Summer ’04 I believe) Kids these days!

  2. I really hope you understand how much I hate polenta, and, therefore, how much I love you.


  3. “I bet it still turns out looking like it just shot down the Devil’s steaming asshole after a late night smorgasbord of chipotle Aborigine bowels and refried lepers” my sides ache from laughing.

    that is a nasty looking polenta picture, but i’m sure it tastes lovely.

    i want some blueberry polenta thing. now!

  4. i might eat the blueberry kind…
    it’s sounding better.

Say it don't spray it.

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