Mar 11

Maybe I wouldn’t care so much if he was CUTE

Category: Reporting from Work

Not surprising, the nightly cleaning team here at my job is a real motley crew. I try to avoid the supervisor at all costs — she sits in her office with her fake beehive hairdo, scraping her lethal fake nails along the desk and berating whichever cleaner forgot to refill the paper towels in the upstairs bathroom. (Never does she reprimend any of them for raiding vacant cubicles of candy though. Oh wait, that’s me.)

Her wingman is this rotund piece of sloppy shit with flapping jowls and tinted glasses. He usually rides in with her, otherwise I bet he’d be driving an unmarked kidnapping van. He swears loudly in a voice that makes him sound mildly retarded. Or drunk. He looks like he could be the villain on a cartoon.

I bet he smokes cigars.

I can’t stand him. He makes me feel molested. He makes me feel like he crawled into my window last night and touch my boobies while talking to me in babytalk and is remembering it every time he looks at me.

Last night, I was on my way back inside from a short break. I was forced to pass by him, but felt relieved because a security guard and another cleaning person were with him.

I thought I was safe. I began to slip through the door, when he started shouting in his disgusting voice that hacks up perversion on everything within earshot.

"IT SUCKS REAL GOOD!" he barked. "IT SUCKS REAL GOOD!"

Horrifed, I did what any other person would do, and turned around to see if he was forcing someone’s mouth upon his yuckystick.

We locked eyes.

"The SWEEPER! I was talking about the SWEEPER!" he laughed. At that moment, I vowed to never have sex again.

14 comments

14 Comments so far

  1. YummyDeb March 11th, 2008 10:47 pm

    His yuckystick! HAAA! That’s my new favorite word now.

    And… eww… I know what you mean. Guys like that are just… *shudder*… just WRONG.

  2. Tuna Tar-Tart March 12th, 2008 4:05 pm

    Sleazeball alert!

    “Weener” was too cute a term to use in his case, lol.

  3. nicole March 11th, 2008 11:12 pm

    “disgusting voice that hacks up perversion on everything within earshot”

    Perfect description. There was this dude that was a janitor or something in my high school like this. My friend Lisa and I used to call him Grimace, after the amorphous purple blobby friend of Ronald McDonald. He wore shirts that were way too short to cover his beer gut, and every time he saw us in the hallways, he would exaggeratedly yawn and raise his arms up over his head and call, “Heeey, young ladies!” Wanted. To. Puke.

  4. Tuna Tar-Tart March 12th, 2008 4:09 pm

    UGH!!! I can envision this. Traumatizing!

  5. merrymerry March 12th, 2008 12:38 am

    OMmgggggGGGGggggg….

    “yuckystick” (adding that one to my vocab!)

  6. Tuna Tar-Tart March 12th, 2008 4:09 pm

    I used to aspire to write my own dictionary.

  7. Michelle March 12th, 2008 4:09 pm

    Heh, if he were cute you’d totally be stalking him and writing love poems!

  8. Tuna Tar-Tart March 12th, 2008 4:31 pm

    You know me too well! Lol. I WAS trying to get a picture of him last night, but I kept failing.

  9. Lisa Bobisa March 13th, 2008 11:50 am

    Creeeeeeeepy. *shivers*

  10. Tuna Tar-Tart March 13th, 2008 5:02 pm

    I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to get a picture of him. :(

  11. Lisa Bobisa March 13th, 2008 6:31 pm

    A picture would be excellent.

    How does Henry feel about your vow to never have sex again?

  12. Bueno Mexicana March 13th, 2008 7:01 pm

    “he crawled into my window last night and touch my boobies while talking to me in babytalk and is remembering it every time he looks at me.”

    GREAT! you’re just giving perverts really good ideas.

    well- it’s a good idea to them anyway. i’d BET@!@@@!!!

  13. Tuna Tar-Tart March 13th, 2008 7:45 pm

    I just gave you a really good idea? Great.

  14. Bueno Mexicana March 13th, 2008 7:50 pm

    well… it does involve windows and boobies.

    what did you expect?

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