Sep 092019

I was sincerely pleased with this past weekend and wish to document it here for posterity.


I started my Saturday morning by walking to the post office to drop off some card orders. On the way there, I passed Parker’s and did a record scratch with my legs.

Backed up and got a closer look at the sign next to the door, which said THIS WAS THEIR LAST GODDAMN WEEKEND.

I actually felt panicked, wondering if we would have time to eat there at all this past weekend. I called Henry on my way home (after standing for a solid minute with some family, who I thought were waiting to cross behind the fire truck which had pulled out of the station; finally I asked “Are we not allowed to go?” and the mom was like “Oh you can! My kids are just watching.” Ughhhh. One whole minute, wasted!!) and wailed, “IM SO SADDDDDD PARKERS IS CLOSINGGGGGG.”

Luckily, he got home from work early enough (hate when he has to work on Saturdays) and we were able to grace Parker’s with our dumb faces for the last time.

They had a very limited Last Weekend menu, so I got the Wakey Wakey with no meat, and pasta salad. Chooch had to copy me, and Henry got something meat-y. While we waited for our food, “I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight” was playing and even though the place was full and upbeat conversation was being tossed about all around us, I still felt SO SOMBER. Then, when our food was served, the theme from St. Elmo’s Fire was playing and Parker’s Mom might as well have just taken that plastic sword out of the bagel and stabbed me in the heart with it before asking if we needed any ketchup.


Luke came over to talk to us and explained that it was just too hard for them to keep Parker’s running while trying to get the new bar open. They will be serving food at the new place once it opens and it will be family-friendly during the day, so it’s not the end of the road—-but I just really loved this space and honest to god, I know it’s just sandwiches, but it was so much of an experience every time we ate there. Luke made us feel like we were regulars, and for as long as I have lived in Brookline (too long) I have never felt like I have fit in before. But Parker’s was SO CHILL and friendly without being fake.

It was like the closest Brookline could ever get to Stars Hollow.

Right before we left, “We Built This City” came on and I was like, “IS THIS AN ACTUAL HOUSE PLAYLIST? ARE THEY TRYING TO FUCKING MURDER MY EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW?” God fucking dammit!!!!

Anyway, the one hopeful thing that Luke told us was that they’ll be still running their catering business from the basement of Parker’s so that means they’re not actually getting rid of that place and maybe someday in the future they’ll make a comeback!


Later that evening, Janna came over for Kpop Cardio Dance Night and it was a good one! I appreciate that she indulges me and has never once laughed off my obsessions. She even says things like, “This one is my favorite” and “I liked that last one” and doesn’t make fun of it at all! Afterward, Henry prepared a snack platter and I was like, “IS THIS CHRISTMAS OR HALLOWEEN” but who cares because cheese.

For the next three hours, I made Janna watch roller coaster and kpop videos and talked her ears off about the upcoming super group Super M and made her choose an NCT bias and then explained the concept of Produce 101 to her and she endured it ALL.

Janna is a real one.

Hey guys, here’s a shocker. The next day we were leaving the house to take Chooch to his piano lesson when there was a huge bang and when we opened the front door, lo and behold, a wrecked car was idling in the road in front of our house.

HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS NEED TO HAPPEN?! We live on a straight road! There are no obstacles or harzards! The last two times this happened, it’s been an elderly driver in broad daylight.

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When it happens at night, it’s almost always a drunk driver. Scary stuff.

Anyway, Henry the First Responder leapt into action. I felt really bad because the driver was this super old lady with big-ass hair and she was so shaken. She used Henry’s phone to call her husband and Henry was talking to her in his creepy fake-nice weird uncle voice and it was so cringey.

Chooch and I just stood on the sidewalk, me holding my huge jug of water and Chooch antagonizing his nephew Calvin who was watching from his front window.

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We stood there uselessly for a long time, but at least Chooch was the one who called 911 so he contributed more than me.

So the lady hit one of the neighbor’s cars, and unfortunately, his car was also one of the ones that got damaged last summer when some broad forgot that she was on Pioneer Avenue and not the Demolition Derby and sideswiped like four cars along the sidewalk. When he came out of his house and realized what happened, he started screaming angrily like this was such a shock, and then caught himself and asked, “IS EVERYONE OK THOUGH!?” Nice save, bud!

The worst part was that traffic didn’t even slow down even though there was clearly a car stalled out in the middle of the road. I was getting mad that Henry kept standing there because I felt like he was RISKING HIS LIFE which was unfair to me because I have things I need him to do around the house for God’s sake!!!

We were standing out there for like 20 minutes and the dumb ass cops still hadn’t arrived, so I made Henry call 911 again because I guess maybe they didn’t believe Chooch when he called, and the broad started to emerge from her car and Chooch and I were like, “OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD” because we didn’t want her to die from vehicular manslaughter but obviously not enough to actually voice our concerns, so we just stood there and watched as she slowly made her way to the other side of the car, where she saw the damage for the first time and started dramatically moaning like some rich Falcon’s Crest matriarch and I felt very uncomfy.

Cops still hadn’t arrived, but the tow truck was like “BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER$$$$$$$$$$$$” so we were like, “OK, let this dude deal with it” and after we crossed the street to our car which we keep parked in a parking lot because the first rule of living on Pioneer Avenue is not to park on Pioneer Avenue, Hot Naybor Chris came out of his house with an orange traffic cone and placed it in the road next to the broad’s crashed Cadillac, like that was going to slow anyone down. Literally, some bitch sped past the scene, shaking her fist at Henry and the crashed car, which was hilarious to me. Like, what are YOU so mad about, you dumb bitch?

As we were pulling out of the parking lot, the broad’s husband had arrived and he was equally as frail, so that was cool. I’m glad these two are still getting behind the wheel.

Henry said that while he was standing at the lady’s car trying to keep her calm, she asked him what he thought about Antonio Brown. Wow, even in a car crash this city so fucking football-obsessed.

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I bought peach mint KitKats at the asian market during Chooch’s lesson and Henry was being such a tightwad about it. YES, NOVELTY KITKATS ARE EXPENSIVE BECAUSE THEY ARE, YOU KNOW, A NOVELTY IN AMERICA. Christ!

Then we came home and hung out with Calvin, who is currently OBSESSED with coming over to our house because Henry brought up a big container of Chooch’s old toy cars so he acts like he wants to see us but it’s just a ruse. He’s a little user! When Blake or Haley come over to get him, he starts crying and says, “Leave!” and tries to push them out of the front door. And I’m just like, “Buddy, it’s not that exciting here.”

Anyway, we walked to Scoops for some ice cream and Calvin got his Spiderman popcicle all over himself because he’s a kid and I was dry-heaving. Ugh kids are so gross! Chooch still, at 13, can barely eat ice cream without becoming as sticky as a flystrip.

I dunno why that was the first sticky thing that came to mind.

He’s cute though!

Then Henry made me kimchi jjigae for dinner and I was like PRAISE BE because it was finally cool enough outside to enjoy that cauldron of bubbling Korean flava.

In other weekend news, I accidentally started watching Pose and stayed for the poppin’ 1980s urban soundtrack and we bought Platinum passes for the Cedar Fair parks and even though they’re for the 2020 season, we can start using them now! I had to upload a picture of each of us for the cards, so Chooch and I took each other’s headshot but Henry was like JUST USE A PICTURE YOU ALREADY HAVE OF ME and I was like AYE AYE CAPTAIN so this will be on the card that Henry will be using for the next year and it’s probably not funny to anyone else but when I chose it, I actually started crying because I was laughing so hard and Henry just muttered, “I TRULY DON’T CARE.”

OK, toodles my noodles.

Say it don't spray it.

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