Guys, today is probably the last day to order cards if you want them in time for Xmas. I say probably because I don’t work for the USPS but I use them a lot and know how UNPREDICTABLE they can be. For instance, a few weeks ago, someone bought $100 worth of cards from me. We shipped them PRIORITY MAIN in a sturdy box. A few days later, the customer contacted me because the tracking number said they had been delivered at her door, when they definitely had not been.
I was freaking out about this, but then the next day, she reached out to tell me that they had been delivered to the wrong house and had person was honest and kind enough to bring them to her! And by wrong house I mean that it was the same house number, but DIFFERENT STREETS AND ZIP CODES.
Anyway, I could make an entire series bitching about the USPS but I’m trying to be a better person.
On that note, here is a selection of serial killer holiday cards, ha ha.
What better way to sprinkle friends, family, and enemies with holiday cheer than by tucking a card from my Serial Killer Series into their garland-wrapped mailbox?
The mug of Milwaukee’s beloved is sure to slap a smile on faces, especially when accompanied by such a heart-warming holiday poem. Envelope included!
2. HH Holmes
HH Holmes was a real nefarious fellow, and is considered to be America’s first serial killer. He would lure victims into his murder castle, which was full of mazes, stretching racks, and gas chambers. But damn if he doesn’t look dapper on the front of a Christmas card.
This card would be great for anesthesiologists, people who write fanfic about the Chicago World Fair, or anyone you know who uses the term “Holmes” as a synonym for “friend.”
It comes with an envelope, which you can lace with fruit cake if you want. I won’t tell.
3. Carl Panzram
When Carl Panzram was 14, he was gang-raped by a group of hobos. He then grew up to murder 21 people and sodomize 1000s of men. Hell hath no fury like a man violated by hobos.
Give this card to your favorite person to let them know that this is not the future you want for them. It’s a really sweet card when you think about it!
This card comes with an envelope, which you can either use to mail the card in or light it on fire a la Mr. Panzram, who also dabbled in arson.
4. Ed Gein
The inside says: “Come trim a tree with me!”
(Sorry, I didn’t feel like getting a picture of the inside. I’m L-Z.)
Santa, snowmen, baby Jesus in a manger? Holiday cards are played out. This season, revive the spirit of your favorite serial killer by having these cards stuffed (like a dead hooker in a dumpster) in the mailslots of those you care about.
Need a date to your office holiday party and have no idea how you’re going to ask that vagabond who’s been popping a squat behind the hardware shop for the last 4 months, drinking dog urine out of an old tin can of baked beans?
Might you consider utilizing the wily charm of Aileen Wuornos to do the deed for you.
Or maybe you’re looking to spread holiday cheer to that whore at the DMV who made you look like a triple-chinned stroke victim who lost a battle with electricity in your last drivers license photo.
Measures approx. 5X7″; comes with an envelope – we keep it classy over here.
Ho ho ho, the gang’s all here for this merry holiday card, sure to delight even your most heathen-iest of friends. Etsy: where you can find a goddamn greeting card for just about everyone.
This card boasts the avuncular mug of Gary Ridgeway, David Berkowitz’s bashful smile, the cute & cuddly Jeffrey Dahmer, BTK’s friendly smirk, and Ted Bundy’s aw-shucks face. Perfect for the true crime aficionado, Satan worshiper, or that good little Christian you just can’t help effing with.
Comes with an envelope. Pentagram not included.
7. Typhoid Mary
Mmm, Christmas cookies abound in the office! Next time you deep throat a Lady Lock, ask yourself, “Did Mary from the mail room Purell her shit before rolling out the dough?” Your bowels will answer that more honestly than Mary. Send this card to your loved ones to let them know that obviously you want them to have a great holiday, but you also sincerely hope they don’t get food poisoning tied with a bow.
Mary didn’t mean to kill all those people, you guys. She just made a fucking killer secret sauce. I bet her Christmas cookies were the shit.
Comes with an envelope that I handled with clean hands, but I totally won’t be offended if you seal it with masking tape instead of your own saliva.
When you already have a shit ton of plastic zip ties, why not put them to good use?
This totally festive card comes with an envelope, which also could fit a floppy disk full of evidence, if needed.
All of these and more can be found at non compos cards!