May 262021

We haven’t been able to spend any time with Henry’s mom Judy in forever, since even before the pandemic started, so now that we’re all vaccinated (Chooch still just has that one dose but at least he’s 80% protected, right CDC!?) we invited the ol’ Judester (literally have never called her that until right now) over for some vegan food and hangs.

Onion Maiden was doing a brunch-themed pre-order that weekend so Henry was like WE WILL TAKE ONE OF EVERYTHING and then we split it all four ways and brother, oh brother, it was perfect. It was also Judy’s first time eating vegan food and she was really excited because not only did it taste good, but it didn’t hurt her stomach. I made sure to let her know that vegan food is not always synonymous with HEALTHY CHOICES because I have had some vegan junk food that has left me feeling like my stomach is going to drop out of my ass. Some vegan food can be HEAVY AF!

But Onion Maiden is pretty safe in that regard. I think so, anyway. Of course, you can always over-eat no matter the cuisine.


Erin the Dietician*

*(I just got my degree from the back of a matchbook from 1976.)

On my plate, you will see matcha waffles with strawberries, kale salad, tater tots, mushroom’d and gravied biscuit, grits with kimchi, and an “omelette” with fake bacon. I can’t remember all the fun names (aside from Gorilla Biscuits) but rest assured, Onion Maiden will always hit you with the best heavy metal food puns.

Polished that shit off with some vegan morning desserts!

I think my favorite part though was when we were showing Judy the kitchen and I bragged that I “cook all the time” now because I love being in there so much.

Henry and Chooch glared at me.

“Well,” I qualified, “I make myself breakfast everyday now.”

(Chooch mumbled, “She doesn’t make me breakfast.”)

“I’m really good at making eggs.” The Brag Barge was still sloshing down Ego River.

“Oh! Can you make over-easy? That’s my favorite,” Judy said.

“…can you make those with Egg Beaters?” I asked with a frown.

Judy stared at me for a second, before dead-panning, “No. No, you cannot.”

[Yo, speaking of my eggs, I dunno what paprika is but ever since I accidentally started using it, my scrambled eggs (beaters) have been next level. I’m going to start exclaiming PAPRIKA! now instead of Eureka, assuming I would ever exclaim Eureka in the first place.]

Then Blake brought his entire brood over and I was annoyed because Henry bought them kinetic sand TO TAKE HOME WITH THEM but they were like OPEN THIS. OPEN THIS FOR ME. OPEN. OPEN OPEN OPEN. And I am such a fucking pushover and also just didn’t want them to cry, so I fucking opened it and I am still sweeping it up and picking tiny clumps of it off the cats. Ugh.

I was so mad because Judy, Blake, and Chooch started playing some card game that perhaps I wanted to play too but Calvin and Lily were demonically chanting, “PWAY WIF ME. PWAY WIF ME EWIN” and I kept saying NO I DON’T WANT TO and Lily moved on with her life but Calvin was so persistent so I was like “LET’S HAVE A CONVERSATION INSTEAD” because it was 90 degrees in my house and I was tired AF and also I do not like playing with children.


Then I took this picture of the grandkids and great-grandkids. Aw.

Also, Chooch was getting super mad because Judy kept calling him “Blake” and “Robbie” and then sometimes she would dip into the grandkids from the other family tree branch and if you know anything about Chooch, you know he can be pretty solipsistic so this was supremely bruising his self-worth.

I tried to make him feel better by sharing that my grandma used to call me the names of all three of her daughters and then she’d dip into the dog’s name too before finally settling on Erin. (My grandma also low-key hated me, so.)

Haley, who had arrived around this time from work, commiserated with me on this and shared that her family used to do the same.

“Although to be fair, the dog’s name was Bailey….” she admitted.

“Oh,” I frowned. “My grandparent’s dog’s name was Wally….”

Anyway, that was a fun afternoon but holy shit I was so tired. I am not used to talking to people’s faces for that long. + humidity. x kids. = BURNT OUT ERIN.

Say it don't spray it.

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