Jun 26

Father’s Day @ Cedar Point

I will be the first to admit that I said a lot of mean things about Cedar Point after the less-than-awesome experiences we had during the 2019 season, BUT! I was willing to give it another shot now that things are normal-ish again and our Platinum passes are still valid. Also, my friend Carrie loves this park lots and I want to love it too! So we decided to give it another chance. Plus, Chooch still had three coaster credits he needed that we missed when we were there in 2019, so we knew we eventually had to suck it up and go back.

However! This time I lowered the bar, A LOT. We knew for sure that we didn’t want to go to a weekend, so Henry and I both took a random Monday off of work. But then Henry suggested that we leave the day before and stay over, that way we didn’t have to leave super early on Monday morning to get there by 9 for early entry, and we could even spend some time there on Sunday if we wanted. I agreed to this,  figuring that if it was super crowded on Sunday, at least we weren’t losing any money on parking and admission, and we could just walk around and be leisurely instead of worrying about the rides and crowds.

We left home around 11:30AM that Sunday and Chooch and I made it two hours in the car before having our first fight over the phone charger resulting in me screaming, “THANKS A LOT YOU JUST RUINED THIS ‘HOWARD JONES PLAYING ON THE RADIO WHILE I’M WEARING A HOWARD JONES SHIRT’ MOMENT!” Ugh.

We got to the park around 3:00. The weather seemed OK and based on the parking lot, it didn’t seem like it was going to be too terribly crowded! We saw that the wait for Blue Streak–one of Chooch’s elusive credits that really punked us HARD in 2019, I wasted so much time in this fucking line with NO payoff!–was only about 25 minutes so we hopped in line while Henry went off to do Henry Things (pee).

After about 10 minutes of waiting, the train ascending the lift hill STOPPED. Chooch and I made ARE YOU KIDDING ME eyes at each other. I couldn’t understand what was happening though because the ride attendants were still loading the train in the station and no one in there seemed uber-concerned that a train was just chillin’ on the lift hill. Then one of the ride attendants rad out of the station with a bucket and proceeded to jog up the lift hill to the waiting train, at which point a man in the third seat tossed something in the bucket. I dunno if it was a phone or a camera, but he definitely had something he wasn’t to have and they fucking stopped the ride because of him and I was INFURIATED. Not that they stopped the ride, mind you, but that some moron refused to follow safety guidelines in the first place. There is a reason they don’t want you to bring that shit on the rides, and it’s not because they care that you could lose it. It’s because PEOPLE CAN GET FUCKING INJURED. OMG I hate everyone, I fucking swear to god, I just want to ride roller coasters and there always has to be people ruining that for the rest of us.

And here’s why I was DOUBLY mad: as soon as the ride attendant made it safely back to the station, they resent the train on the hill and then a few drops of started to fall, which lead to the dreaded, “Ladies and gentlemen, operations are temporarily suspended due to inclement weather.” FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!! Of course there was a mass exodus, but Chooch and I decided to stay in line. I mean, we had to ride this thing eventually and the sky was still bright blue while it was raining so we felt confident that it would blow over quickly, and it DID but they still had to send like 10 test trains it felt like, so we ended up standing in that line, in total for nearly an hour I would say. Because of course as soon as they reopened the line for everyone, the Fast Lane people came running in like bulls and they were letting SO MANY of them on each train, it was fucking frustrating.

But, the whole time, I refused to let this get me down. I kept telling myself, “What else would you be doing if you stayed home? Watching YouTube videos? Going for a walk?” It was fine. I was at a fucking theme park, in line to ride a roller coaster. Breathe out the bitchiness. The one small relief was that we were in line with this big group of 12 and they were actually quite pleasant. We even managed to get on the same train as them, in the back row!

OMG fucking finally, here we are! On the Blue Streak! Was it worth it? I mean, no. But it wasn’t terrible! It was a fun little out-and-back but holy shit, this damn coaster always has a super long line. So I’m glad that we got it out of the way as soon as we got there, because it was like a monkey on our backs, for real.

The next coaster Chooch needed was Iron Dragon. I’ve actually ridden Blue Streak and Iron Dragon before, on one of the times I had visited as a kid. I was especially excited about this one because Henry decided to ride it too (actually, I think it was only because I dragged him into line by his arm).

I really like this coaster. I think my exact review was “That was so precious!” It’s very gentle and the views are beautiful. I like that it goes over the water!

The final credit (not counting the kiddie coasters which we didn’t care about this time) that Chooch needed was Maverick. This was the one that I was most concerned about because I have never ridden this one either and EVERYONE IN THE KNOW loves this damn ride and some people even go as far as to say it’s the best ride in the park. I wanted to know why! But in 2019, it broke down the first time we were in line during early entry, and then anytime it was running after that, the wait time was consistently at like, 75 minutes to 120 minutes. That’s a lot of minutes, fam.

Chooch always looks like this now when he’s with us. The age 15 is AWESOME!

Anyway, I know I said I wasn’t going to let people get on my nerves, but there were two families in front of us in this line (that may have been 45 minutes if it weren’t for Fast Lane!!

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) that were so fucking annoying. The ones directly in front of me consisted of a super-amorous parental unit (the father-half had A VERY EXPLOSIVE LAUGH) and their teenage kid who kept clinging to the dad and it was v. uncomfy. They kept engaging in moderate rough-housing which would almost always have one of them stepping backward into me and I was like PLEASE SOMEONE SWITCH SPOTS WITH ME I HATE THESE PEOPLE and no one would, and then the family in front of that family were very yokel-y and had a kid who insisted on sitting on the dirty ground the entire time, scooting forward on her butt each time the line inched ahead. The whole family just oozed laziness and I was like ERIN JUST STOP LOOKING AT THEM, WE ARE GOING TO BE A NICE PERSON TODAY REMEMBER so I tried to just watch the stuff that was playing on the TVs but then a JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE video came on and I started screaming I THOUGHT HE WAS CANCELLED but I guess not because too many white ladies like him, fuck Britney Spears, I guess. And then one of the guys behind Henry was like IS THAT HIS WIFE when Jessica Biel showed up in the video and I wanted to be like YES AND HE CHEATED ON HER but I reminded myself again that we were going to KEEP TO OURSELVES AND HAVE A GOOD DAY and not be ERIN BUTTINSKI.

I am trying to work on myself, you guys!!

From the Maverick line, I could see my BAE Steve (aka Steel Vengeance for the non-enthusiasts) and I was tempted to leave the line and succumb to Steve’s pull.

But I stayed in line and I’m glad I did because Maverick did NOT disappoint! BELIEVE THE HYPE! Holy shit. What a relentless ride! And the ops were bangin’ – they were running five trains and assigning seats like drill sergeants.

Afterward, Henry was hemming and hawing about riding Top Thrill Dragster. He didn’t get to ride it with us the last time because we shoved all of our stuff at him and ran into the queue, and he didn’t feel like fucking around with a locker. But since it was FATHER’S DAY, Chooch and I convinced him to get in line for that while we rode Magnum. (Time out to give a huge shout out to the Magnum crew because they run a tight fucking ship over there – super high energy!)

We still had time after that (Magnum was pretty much a walk on) so we decided to ride the Music Express because we realized that we’ve never ridden any flat rides (aside from that racing carousel thing) here because we were so busy trying to get all the coaster creds. It feels SO FUCKING FREEING to not have a mission now! We can just stroll about and hop on a fucking flat ride, take a twirl on the goddamn Music Express if we want!

Chooch is not sunburnt – that’s the filter I used!

Ugh, look how much bigger his feet are than mine! Also, I’m officially the shortest person in m household now.

That was fun! But we didn’t want to stray too far away after this because we needed to be available to take pictures of Henry’s Big Father’s Day Ride, lol.

His review: “IT WAS AWESOME.” Lol.

Then we just strolled around and enjoyed not having to beat any clocks or whatever.

It was getting close to 8 (when the park closed) and Chooch and I wanted to get a ride on “spaghetti noodle” a/k/a Wicked Twister before we left. When we were walking through the queue, some guy was yelling, “That’s BULLSHIT” because an employee measured one of the kids with a stick and deemed them too short. I get really mad when people take shit out on ride attendants. That guy is literally doing his JOB to keep you and your family SAFE. Why would you want to argue about that? They have height restrictions for A REASON. Go the fuck home if you’re going to act like a bitch.

Anyway, god bless Spaghetti Noodle. This ride looks so boring, like a one-trick pony, but it FUCKS ME UP every time. Henry was buying cookies while we were on this, btw.

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We had JUST ENOUGH TIME to jump on Tiki Twirl, better known in my heart as the CALYPSO. Kennywood had one of these rides years and years ago and no one remembers it! People act like I’m nuts, so I wonder if they weren’t there for very long? In any case, I get really excited whenever I see these at another park because it’s one of my favorite flat rides.

We experienced another Bitch Dad yelling at a ride operator on this ride, because the ride operator opened the gate for all of us to get on and Bitch Dad was like, “I’m waiting for my daughter to come back in line, my wife had to take her to the bathroom” and the ride operator was like, “I’m sorry sir but we locked the entrance gate because this is going to be the last ride of the night” and Bitch Dad was like, “OK but I have to wait for my wife to bring my daughter back in line” and the ride operator basically repeated what he already said so Bitch Dad was like, “OK cool but can’t you just let them back in line” and the ride operator (who was like 19 btw, poor kid) said, “I would love to, sir, but I can get in trouble for that” so Bitch Dad spun around in a huff to leave and barked, “WELL I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE JUST LET MY DAUGHTER PISS ON THE RIDE THEN.”

Don’t these people ever get exhausted from being such cocksuckers to the service industry? I say thank you to ride attendants/operators when I get off of every single ride. Because seriously, thank you for helping me to have some fun in life. Thank you for showing up and doing your job. I’m sorry that you have to put up with fucking entitled assholes.

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LOL, here’s Henry waiting for us. We were so worried that he was going to eat all of the cookies.

Wow, this little half-day at Cedar Point totally exceeded expectations. We got to ride lots of things, the weather was wonderful after that brief little rain shower, and we didn’t fight!

We went to a family restaurant called Dianna’s after we left because we were fucking starving. Chooch and I were wailing, “WE HAVEN’T EATEN SINCE WE  GOT LUNCH AT SHEETZ!” and Henry was like, “Yeah well I haven’t eaten since breakfast!” and I said, “What? Why didn’t you get anything at Sheetz?” and he said, “Because when we were there, I thought I had already eaten lunch, but I realized later that I was thinking of yesterday’s lunch.”

Maverick I’m sorry but that quote was the highlight of my day, lol.

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