Jun 30

Hey, let’s talk about my glasses.

Category: Epic Fail


Don’t worry, I only let him wear theses for >10 seconds, for fear of his eyeballs fleeing their sockets in fear.

I really botched the Great Glasses Getting project of 2010. They don’t work at all. I mean, yes – they enhance my vision. But not without major side effects. Such as:

  • Unless I’m sitting stalk-still, it appears that I’m peering out of a fish bowl. Everything is curved. I can’t remember if convex or concave is the word I’m looking for, and to be honest, I’m too busy thinking of when I’m going to get to the cemetery today to worry too much about dictionary.com’ing that shit.
  • Saturday morning, I had the brilliant idea of writing in my blog while glassed. Thought it would be good practice, train my eyes to be more like those of goldfish. It was worse than trying to type without any visual aid at all! Every time I attempted to glance down at the keyboard, I’d recoil in horror because the fingers tapping along the keys looked like they belonged to tiny (not yet dead)  Jon Benet Ramsey hands. EVERYTHING IS MINIATURIZED IF I LOOK DOWN, WHAT THE FUCK.
  • Sunday morning was the food test. If I could EAT with the green monstrosity perched on my nose bridge, I could be convinced to keep trying these frustrating exercises. A simple bowl of cereal – Honey Bunches of Oats, if you need to know for your case study – was all I was trying to conquer. Thanks to my inability to look down, my chin, cleavage, and the person I keep chained under the computer desk all thanked me for the lovely breakfast.

So the search continues. I might suck it up and ask a professional for help. I mean an eye doctor, not a psychiatrist, though I’ve got one of them on speed dial too.

In the meantime, I’m popping the lenses out and keeping the frames as a hot accessory. (When I said that to one of the guys at work, he pantomimed putting them on as pants. I was a little insulted. They’re not that big!) Now Alisha will definitely be wanting me to accompany her to the gay bar all night, every night.


10 Comments so far

  1. alisha June 30th, 2010 8:47 am

    hahaha. wait. i already do! we need to resched from the other night!

  2. Tuna Tar-Tart June 30th, 2010 1:47 pm


  3. Jessi June 30th, 2010 10:45 am

    I have glasses now too, only you wouldn’t know it. I only wear them at my desk at work or while staring across a conference room at powerpoints in meeting. Doing anything other than the afformentioned is still really awkward, I can’t imagine trying to walk or eat with them on, seems far too dangerous.

  4. Tuna Tar-Tart June 30th, 2010 1:48 pm

    See, I’d need to wear them all the time. If I don’t have contacts in, I’m worthless to society. And a huge danger, too, I imagine.

  5. Angelica June 30th, 2010 2:30 pm

    Wow, that’s a lot of negative side effects! The only problem I had with my glasses when I first got them was that when I looked sideways things looked kind of weird and my eyes hurt from wearing the glasses for too long.

  6. Kelly July 1st, 2010 12:07 am

    Ok, its reasons like this that I thank the optical gods they got something right!!!!
    Sorry that it sucks to be you :)
    On a side note, it makes for an entertaining profile pic!!!
    Girly, you make me laugh. You so funny!!!

  7. Tuna Tar-Tart July 1st, 2010 8:31 pm

    Thanks, Kelly! I’m glad I can make you laugh:)

    You are SUPER lucky to have good vision!

  8. Andrea July 2nd, 2010 11:12 am

    Cemeteries huh? That is one way to get some alone time. My latest post is about my alone time too. But a little more populated location!

  9. Alyson Hell July 4th, 2010 8:15 am

    Big glasses are back in now! Glamour says so!

  10. jon May 16th, 2022 11:40 am

    Jag är äcklad och ilsken, så ilsken att jag skakar i hela kroppen. Det går inte en dag utan att jag måste kämpa för att vilja äta, och för att inte hetsäta.

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