Aug 272021

Yeah, I’ve got very little in me right now so let’s see if I can actually dredge up five whole things from the swamp that is my mind.

1. Hubcap Heaven

I saw this picture of Clarissa Explains It All on Instagram the other day and cracked up because for some reason back when this show was on TV, my mom had really latched on to the fact that she (Clarissa, not Melissa Joan Hart, certainly not the Nickelodeon set designers) had hubcaps on her wall.

So then my mom was like HUBCAPS AS DECOR? LET’S DO IT TO YOUR ROOM. And for some reason, I was like, “Sure let’s” even though I can’t imagine why middle school me would have been into hubcaps.

Even though we were $$$$, my mom decided that in lieu of purchasing shiny new hubcaps, we would just collect them from the streets. “You know, they’re always falling off of cars. If we see one, we’ll just grab it,” she said, like we were some fly-by-night design team.

Do you know how many we collected?


But to this day, every time I see a fucking hubcap on the street (LIKE YESTERDAY ON MY WALK HOME FROM THE DENTIST), I think of this and how excited my mom was to turn my room into an auto body shop.

My room was actually way more awesome than Clarissa’s, now that I’m really looking at it. Ew.

2. Speaking of the dentist….

I went to the dentist yesterday and for the first time since the whole DENTAL DEBAUCLE started back in…2016? 2017? when my childhood dentist retired and I went on a tail spin, I had a GREAT exam! The hygienist first of all loved my dragon fruit purse and we had a great chat about accessories and she told me that my gums looked great and then the dentist came in and was like WOW WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT LOOKING GOOD and I had to look around for the hidden camera because usually he is very doom & gloom and telling the hygienist things like, “WE HAVE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THIS” and “I DON’T LIKE HOW THIS LOOKS” and then he will make grumble sounds under his breath and I panic.

“I HAVE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD,” I blurted, and he said that HE CAN TELL.

Friends, let this be a warning: do not lapse on your dental exams because you will end up having to get TWO deep cleanings (one by the regular dentist and another ULTRA INTENSE PROFESSIONAL DEEP SCALING by a real life PERIODONTIST). This is what happened to me. I switched dental insurance and my childhood dentist didn’t accept the new insurance and instead of looking for a new dentist, I fell into a FIVE YEAR dental hiatus and that was enough to cause damage even though I was vigilant with brushing and flossing on my own.

3. Henry’s Blue Bunny Honey

Ok let me try to rewrite in a more thrilling manner the story that Henry told me last week about his new WORK BEAU.

Henry has been back on the road, making FAYGO deliveries while they’re short a driver at Faygo Factory. He happened to be making a delivery at this one store last week at the same time as a Blue Bunny ice cream delivery guy. While Henry was in the store, the Blue Bunny guy was going through the store’s order and came upon a STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE popsicle that had the stick protruding from the wrapper. Unable to include damaged product in the order, the guy told the store owner that he would write it off. Then he turned to Henry and said, “Here,” AND GAVE HENRY THE DAMAGED BUT STILL EDIBLE FROZEN DELIGHT.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that Henry didn’t call me to tell me this straight away, as receiving a free popsicle seems like something that would be worth a telephone call by Henry’s excitement standards.

But no, I didn’t hear about this at all until later that same week, when Henry and the Blue Bunny guy crossed paths AGAIN at another store. This time, Henry overheard the Blue Bunny bro telling the customer that he would credit them for a smashed ICE CREAM SANDWICH. Hearing this likely gave Henry a hard-on, to be honest. Sadly, he did not present Henry with the day’s damaged goods. OR SO HENRY THOUGHT.

Because after it was Henry’s turn to talk to the customer, he went back outside to leave and saw that BLUE BUNNY BUD HAD LEFT THE ICE CREAM SANDWICH ON HENRY’S TRUCK!!!!!

Oh shit son, I was sweating with the giggles at this point. Henry has an admirer!!

(he just walked past me and said that he hasn’t seen him since then. FUCK. What if that guy moves on to a Pepsi guy in Henry’s Faygo-scented absence?)

4. Siblings at Cedar Point

My mom texted me this picture from I believe 1993 and wants us to recreate this and I’m like, “Wow, go back to Cedar Point? Twist my arm.” I can confirm that these…what do you call these things? I can’t remember!! are still there so it’s a viable plan. Both of my brothers say they’re game so let’s see what’s up, fam.

Also, I think it’s funny that the height order is now reversed, almost 30 years later. My brother Ryan said, “I’d still be in the middle though” and this is true. Somehow the youngest sibling has become the tallest – Corey towers over both of us!

5. Let’s End On a Hot Note

I was super into Andre Agassi when I was a YOUNGIN’ so I decided that I need to incorporate this picture of him into my 1980s kitchen somehow and then I fell down the rabbit hole and ended up buying a tennis racket from the early 80s from eBay and Henry was like, “the fuck we doin’ with this now” and I guess I want him to hang it up in the kitchen too!? My cats have never seen a tennis racket before and were NOT INTO IT when I was using their cat toys as tennis balls and serving that shit all around the house.

Man, I miss playing tennis. I was so good at it as a teenager but am willing to bet that I’m a pathetic frump at it now. Also, tennis is the reason my back is EFFED for life. Still love the game though!


Well, on that note, I’m going to sign off because the humidity is making me ooze down my chair on a sheath of sweat. Maybe something exciting will happen this weekend but I doubt it. CIAO FOR NOW.

Say it don't spray it.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.