Jun 022022

I didn’t liveblog on the drive home from Massachusetts (well, technically Connecticut I guess – the Six Flags park we went to was like RIGHT across the border from Connecticut, and our hotel was in Connecticut) because who cares. You mostly just missed copious stops at gas stations.

HOWEVER. I would like to talk about LUNCH. My body was like, “KNOCK KNOCK, give us veg-stuffs.” So I found a place near Scranton called NearMe Cafe (dumb name), in a town called MOOSIC (best name) which is also a yoga studio and that kind of turned me off for a second, but the reviews were raving and they had not just smoothie bowls, but various Buddha bowls and I was really in the mood to give my body what it wanted.

You know, because it’s my temple, etc. etc.

We walked into straight chaos. I actually thought we used the wrong door, because it was almost like walking straight into the kitchen, but no, that’s just how this joint is set up. Ya gotta walk past all the workers firing up the blenders before you can take a seat.

It may have been a bit of pandemonium, but the people there were awesome. I loved our server so much—when Chooch, who was pouting for some inexplicable reason, declared in a huff that he wasn’t hungry and didn’t want anything, she was so cool about it and didn’t pressure him. “OK, you can always add something on to the order later if you change your mind!” and I was so happy that this didn’t faze her because he has pulled this shit before in his younger years where he won’t order anything in some strange effort to punish us or something.


Oh, speak of the moody devil.

Anyway!!! I didn’t take a picture of my food because some fucking INFLUENCER-type girl came barreling in with her boyfriend and sat facing me and I swear I could feel her judgey eyes on me the whole time. I didn’t want her making a TikTok of That Old Lady Fakeluencer taking pictures of her lunch for her 500 Instagram followers to not care about. But I got the BEET BUDDHA BOWL which was quinoa, beets, strawberries, goat cheese, coconut, and honey. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK my taste buds because they will never be the same now. It was divine. The perfect marriage of sweet and savory. My stomach was so pleased with my decision.

Henry got a buffalo chicken wrap. Who cares. Not me. Definitely not the INFLUENCER.

The bathroom was nice!

Meanwhile, Henry and I had finished eating and Chooch heard someone behind me order the almond joy smoothie bowl so now SUDDENLY he wanted food. “I’ll just get it to go,” he said, somehow making such a simple statement sizzle with surliness.

So while his bowl was being prepped (the server was super pleased that he decided to get something, btw) we went and checked out the store section of the building which was Henry’s idea and he quickly reGERRTed it because there were tons of things I wanted. He’s lucky that I was feeling modest with my money in that moment and only bought a HAMBURGER PURSE and a ring, plus a Samanco-shaped cat toy for Drew and Penelope.


Later, we stopped at this gas station by some town called FISHERMAN’S PARADISE (?!). Henry said he believes we have been at one of these before (maybe even the same one?!).

My first impression was WOW did BTS rip off their font/logo for Butter?! And then also got the inspiration to name their album 7?!

“It’s all coming together,” Henry said in faux-solidarity while I was screaming SHOULD WE REPORT THEM TO RUTTER’S FOR INFRINGEMENT?

I mean, they’ve plagiarized in the past, so.

Anyway, my second impression was that HEY RUTTER’S, NICE BATHROOM! Very nice, clean and modern. Loved that for…me.

I rejoined Henry in the store as he was filling up at the iced tea station.

“Clean bathrooms and Pet Shop Boys is playing? Love this place.” But before I could make the final call, I said, “Let’s see how their coffee is.”

But when I went to the screen to order, they didn’t have non-dairy options! So I said NON-THANKS, screamed, and left.

Ok I didn’t scream but I really was appalled. It’s 2022!! (Ugh I almost typed 2020, who even knows the year anymore.)

Henry doesn’t care about that so he thinks this place is just fine. Also, he sneezed REALLY annoyingly as we walked back to the bathrooms and I just lost it. His sneezes are either super bombastic like they’re trying to get the attention of the military to be used as sonic weapons, or they’re real high-pitched and whiny-sounding because he’s trying to muffle the ear-splitting sound I guess, I dunno.

I yelled, “if I knew your sneezes sounded like this when we first met, it would have been a DEAL BREAKER” as I shoved open the door to the womens room UGH!!!

The last notable thing that occurred was that we stopped at some custard place about 90 minutes or so from Pgh called The Meadows I think and I was so fucking pissed because the menu was posted inside a TINTED GLASS WINDOW so we could barely see it but even worse was that it was hanging right above a bench that two older people were sitting on, tonguing away at their custards in silence, staring at us while we tried in vain to read the menu and not have our knees touch their knees because THAT IS HOW CLOSE WE NEEDED TO GET IN ORDER TO SEE THE MENU. These assholes would not take the social cue and scoot over so we could visually access the damn custard chart, FUCK.

I was so mad about this that when Henry asked the girl at the window for the daily flavors (“WE CAN’T SEE THE MENU,” I said in a loud and passive aggressive manner), I told him to order first and then when the girl asked, “Is that all?” Henry looked at me and I said – now switching to my SULKING MANNER – that I didn’t want anything.

I could tell Henry was pissed because he hates when I “pull that shit,” but I’m sorry, those people RUINED MY LIFE. I stalked back to the car while Henry waited for his dumb cup of custard, and then when he got in the car, Chooch immediately started mimicking the loud way he was slurping the custard off the spoon, so Henry got PISSED OFF: SUPER-CHARGED EDITION, started the car and thrust the cup at me to hold so he could drive. I took a small spoonful (he got black cherry vanilla) and said, “This is good. I’ll just have all of it, thanks.”

And I did too. I ate it all.

Then we got home around 6pm. The end.

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