While I genuinely enjoy a wide variety of music, there are four bands that go above and beyond and make me feel like the beating of my heart has come to a grinding halt, rust and sparks flying all up in my grill. Those bands are the Cure (but if you didn’t know that, you don’t know me at all), the now-defunct Cold (I experienced quite a few emotional breakdowns at their shows, much to Henry’s horror), Chiodos (sometimes I feel like I’m going to puke up a potion of fluttering hearts, vitriol, and a street fighting match when I listen to them), and Circa Survive (helped me evade mental institution during the summer of 2005).
All four of these bands, I’ve met. I’ve had the opportunity to tell each oh them how much they mean to me, how many ways they’ve changed me and saved me, but it’s four bands that make me freeze, that make me stutter, that make me run away in tears (it’s true, and it’s embarrassing). I managed once to write a five-page letter to Cold, thanking them for helping me through a death and even though I had spoken to them several times before, Henry had to pass it on to the drummer because I ran away and hid. How do you thank someone, total strangers, for saving you? It’s hard and no matter how many times you rehearse it in your hand, it still comes out sounding stupid and trite. "Oh hay, you guys are good. Sign my CD?"
I saw Chiodos two weeks ago. I saw the Cure on Saturday. I’m going to see Circa Survive tonight.
The only other time this has ever happened was in 2004 when I saw Cold and the Cure within two days of each other and I flipped my shit, seriously collapsed in a heap of emotional baggage and mental frustration.
I’m nervous. Scared. Anxious. Because Anthony Green’s voice sounds like a whale, a high-pitched sonic torrent of opposing emotions, of suicide dreams, anger and love, and the last two times I was within twenty feet of this caterwaul, it scissor-kicked my heart and bear-hugged my synapses and I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t move and I cried and cried and then I felt emotionally spent for days.
The past few months I’ve been an emotional wreck — not always in a bad way, but emotional still the same. Sometimes, all I felt like I ever really had were these bands and their aural therapy, because when you reach out to music, it reaches back; it’s more dependable than people. So seeing three of them so close together is a big deal for me. I think the universe is trying to kill me.
I’m not sure my heart can take it.