Oct 062023

You’ll never believe this, but in between furiously recapping my vacation that is now from over 2 months ago, I have actually been living a modest social life as well.

FIRST, Kara invited me to Moulin Rouge with her last Thursday night. Now, I’m not a musical bitch by any stretch of the imagination which is silly when you think about it because I, like most people with pets who double as their best friends/co-workers/children/spiritual guides/therapists, turn every last basic statement into a jingle all the livelong day. Can I sing along to songs on the radio? Give me a FUCK NO, Mindy. Do I sing Happy Birthday to anyone other than my son? Not without LipSynch Mode activated. But will I take a sentence and blow so much operatic gusto up its proverbial asshole that a Tony Award starts simping in my Instagram comments? YOU BETCHER BOTTOM DOLLAR, MOTHERFUCKA.

This is my way of saying that I don’t go out of the way to attend real life musicals, but once you get me there, I am usually moderately to sufficiently entertained.

First, Kara and I met at The Warren for a small pre-show dinner and MULES OF THE DAY (blackberry). It was nice. The vibe was a bit too Late Friday Night for me (maybe I’m just officially an Elder, but the music was SO LOUD for 6pm on a Thursday when all I wanted to do was talk to my friend), but the aesthetic was so my style. The blue walls kept my inner-Karen (CAN YOU TURN THIS RACKET DOWN??) at bay.

Kara wanted to take my picture in front of this but I got stage fright and said NO.

Then I had to ask her if I would die if I drank wine after a Moscow mule. She said NO.

So I got a sippy cup of pinot grigio and did not expire. Meanwhile, Kara was very close to ditching me for the super chatty old man in line behind her for refreshments and honestly, it would have been an upgrade. I’m not too proud to admit that openly to the Internet.

Immediately I was like, “OK. Sold. Here for it.” when we first saw the stage (after Kara was schooled on the subject of “This is your left. THAT is your right” by one of the no-nonsense ushers. She was here to help you find your seat, not provide any extra coddling.).

Kara and I don’t have very many selfies together, I feel like!! She was boxed in by this point so she had no choice.

Anyway, wow – Moulin Rouge was magical! I know OF the movie, I know the Lady Marmalade remake, but that was the extent. I didn’t know the actual plot, really. I didn’t know the characters, just that Nicole Kidman was in the movie. So this was almost like going into it blind. I think the reason why I never bothered to watch the movie was because, 1) well, it’s a musical; 2) not a big fan of Nicole Kidman honestly; 3) I really didn’t like that Lady Marmalade remake primarily because I never liked Christina Aguilera and that song was EVERYWHERE back then.

But now, after watching this…I might give the movie a try!

Then Henry went into Uber mode and drove Kara home even though she’s always finding random and weird things that she knows we need to have around the house and Henry always mumbles, “Thanks, Kara” like when she sent me an auction link for a bumper car when she knew I was looking for one to use as a couch.

(We did not get it, sadly/obviously. SOME DAY. YOU WAIT.)

The next night, Janna and I went to the first haunt of the season! It was Valley of Terror haunted hayride and it’s crazy because I have been seeing ads for this one probably since high school and occasionally even put it on my list, but never made it  to this one until this year!

First off, we had a very uncomfortable experience at the ticket booth, which wasn’t open yet even though it was 7pm, nor was there a sign on the window with any information. So we walked around to the other side where some lady YELLED IN A HOSTILE MANNER, “Can I help you!?!?” like we were fucking Jehovahs Witnesses tossing around pamphlets willy nilly. I was like, “We’re here for the hayride” like le duh, do you not know who we are? And she was like THE TICKET WINDOW IS BACK THERE IT WILL BE OPEN SOON!! And we did the walk of shame back to the window, where she opened the screen 3 minutes later and said, cheerfully, “HELLO AGAIN!” and was suddenly so fucking nice to us like she hadn’t just hollered at us (we were in a rural area where you get hollered at, which is different from regular yelling which is generally what takes place in the city).

So we bought our overpriced tickets and then walked around to the area where we were previously hollered at, only for some lady at the snack bar to holler at us this time?!?

“Can I help you??” she cried, and I was like, “What? Oh! No, no. We’re just looking.” Because we were considering our options even though it was CASH ONLY and I didn’t have any left because Henry only gave me the exact amount because he didn’t want me to have any spendin’ money left over, god forbid, I might run away with it.

And then she yelled at again, more accusatorily this time!? Now I was truly taken aback, feeling fully affronted. Again, I said, “No, we’re just waiting—”

“THE TICKET BOOTH IS OVER THERE!” she interrupted, pointing back to the way we came.

I waved my ticket in the air and yelled back, “We already have our tickets.”

Please keep in mind that we weren’t even standing close to the snack bar while this scene was going down all disjointed and awkward like a shitty middle school play rehearsal. So we were both legit shouting to each other across several picnic tables.

“Oh! I didn’t realize they were already selling tickets, I’m sorry!” she laughed, and that’s when I realized that she was LITERALLY asking us “CAN I HELP YOU” as a passive way of saying, “You aren’t meant to be here. Trespassers!” Here I thought she was just aggressively trying to get us to buy hot chocolate and a pretzel. I didn’t fucking know what was going on.

So that’s how the night started –  a right hillbilly hollerin’, and two of ’em to boot!

It was the HARVEST MOON night which I never would have known if not for Wendi telling us in group chat at work. Group chat is where I learn a lot of important life stuff.  She was like DON’T MISS THE HARVEST MOON TONIGHT which is how I knew to look for it.

I gotta save the deets for the HAUNTED HOUSE JOURNAL but the hayride was just “meh,” while the actual haunted walk-thru was YEAH BOY. Janna will tell you. I screamed lots. There were two chainsaw guys that attacked me bigly.

However, as I’m sitting here writing this now, the thing that stands out the most is sitting at a picnic table near the bonfire and talking about the time Janna and I both worked at St Clair Hospital doing FILING and the only thing I vividly remember is wearing WHITE PANTS one day and of course my period started, so I spent my whole shift trotting to the bathroom to check for leaks.

But while I was recalling this to Janna, I realized immediately afterward that I was talking VERY LOUDLY and as I tossed a casual glance over my shoulder, I made hard eye contact with the couple sitting behind us, listening intently to my rejected IT HAPPENED TO ME story for Jane Magazine.

Actually, the scariest part of the night was tied between when the ticket taker for the haunted house just could NOT figure out how to punch the hole in the ticket and then bragged about how the haunt has been running for over 30 years and I was like, “OK, but is this the first year they implemented a hole puncher then?” and when we got lost on the way home almost immediately after and had to turn around on a really scary backwoods-yet-residential road while a very old and skinny man in an undershirt, boxers, and knee socks shambled across the street to his house and did the super quick jump-scare head turn at the last minute to look DIRECTLY INTO OUR SOULS.

“He looks like if John Waters hadn’t become John Waters,” I cried, white-knuckling the steering wheel and grandma-driving the fuck out of there.

“Somehow, I understand what you mean,” Janna said.

Then on Sunday, I met Amber, Lauren, Sandy and Nate at the Abbey for brunch!! Lauren and Sandy are ex-Law Firmers, so I was very happy to get the chance to see them while eating good foods in one of my favorite places that I sincerely do not eat at often enough.

It’s us! Fun fact: Sandy, Nate and I (+ Mitch) were all hired the same year, but now Nate and I are the only ’10-liners left. :(

It was my idea to have the waiter take our picture but I told Amber, “You do it. You ask him” because not only am I great idea person, I’m a highly adept delegator.

Well guys, that was pretty much the whole ass recap of last week’s “I Saw Friends” happenings. I have more haunted houses on tap, and a dinner with some current and past work friends next week so maybe another recap will be forthcoming!? It can’t all be amusement park posts, right?!

Say it don't spray it.

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