Jun 182008



One plump lemon was thoughtfully procured by Eddie Orpik, whose live-in strumpet insisted that rubber ball gags tasted like her Uncle Herb’s sweaty taint.

Two lemons spotted with rot were unearthed from the bottom of the pile by Jamison Fitzshittery, who would eat them whole while sitting on the freshly covered graves of his recent slayings. 

Three ripe lemons were chosen by Jorge Martinez’s shaking hands, who would squeeze them into his mother’s favorite summer cóctel, a wishful attempt to soften the blow when he later reveals that he’s an el homo.

Four lemons were palmed by a paranoid window saleswoman, the curled rinds of which would be cautiously tucked inside the vents of her car to mask the lingering bouquet of marijuana.

Five lemons went into Mrs. Hunchsnatch’s basket, who was slowly luring her husband to his death bed with a panoply of meringue pies.

Seven lemons were plucked by Sasha Eltsin, who would pair them with oranges to create sacks of didactic citrus to unleash on the gulag unrulies.

Eight lemons filled Mother Bonnie’s basket, who planned on turning the tart fruits into sugared delicacies in order to capture ragtag boxcar kids for her signature stew.

When the sun set, the proprietor gathered the remaining bushel and turned it into fresh ambrosia for his wife, whose decomposing body slumped in a supine pile on a Laura Ashley bedspread. She always did like lemons in her ambrosia.

  11 Responses to “A Fine Day for Lemons”

  1. … so many uses for lemons.

    your stories are always so weird and out of the box which is awesome. I always read them at least a couple times even though they can be a bit frightening.

    i will never view people at the grocery store the same.

  2. AAAAAAAAAAH!!! You did it, you really used my name in one of your stories! I feel so special and so honored to be a part of this sadistic lemon yarn!

  3. It really WAS a fine day for lemons.

    You can really spin a freaky yarn without it seeming so freaky, honey. I’m off now to look up “panoply”.

  4. This is a fun little story. So many dysfunctional people and so many things to do with lemons. Also, I love the names of the people in your stories!

  5. I love seeing where your creativity takes these pictures and stories. Have you ever thought of putting them together in a book? I would definitely purchase that!

    Ever since you answered my questions, I’ve been searching for a good photo to send you. When I find the right picture, I hope you’ll write a story for it!

    • I think of doing a lot of things, but thankfully I don’t have the attention span. Haha. Srsly, if I ever tried to write a book, I pity the fool who takes on the task as my editor.

      Definitely send over a picture if you find one! This one was one of my own. :)

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