In keeping up with the theme of “if it looks even mildly cool, we’re doing,” I bought us tickets to this…clown show? at the Glitterbox. Ever since we went there for that film screening, I have been pressed to go back. It is just such a cool vibe, exactly what has been missing from my life all these years. This clown show ad popped up on their Insta and I was like, “Ooh, I love clowns. And he’s from Philly! We’re going.”

I did absolutely NO RESEARCH into this after that.

OMG and as soon as we got there (ofc we were FIRST), we passed a tall guy in the parking lot who said, “I think you can just go in, the door should be open,” and Henry was like, “I THINK THAT WAS THE CLOWN” because unlike me, he actually clicked and dicked around the Internet in an attempt to understand what dark corners he was accompanying me to.

As soon as we went inside and had our tickets scanned, I immediately grabbed two seats in the front row. We were the FIRST PEOPLE IN THERE so I don’t know why I was being so maniacal about claiming seats. It wasn’t that deep.

I love Glitterbox Theater so much, have I mentioned that? The same guy who was there filling in for the concession stand person was scanning tickets at the door and I was happy to see him because he reminds me of Kurt Travis a little bit and has such a nice, chill aura. He gave me a free sticker this time! I’m hoping that by the 3rd or 4th visit, we’ll start to become recognizable to the GBT peeps and maybe Henry can even volunteer to work the concession stand, doling out Pirate Booty and cans of Athletic.

Pre-show view from our front row seats LOL. Henry was like WHY DID YOU PICK SEATS IN THE FRONT THIS IS GOING TO BE BAD. I said, “Oh god, I hope there isn’t going to be audience participation” and he was like THIS IS A CLOWN SHOW YOU KNOW THERE WILL BE.

Henry even knew where the plastic cups were located behind the concession stand—see? He could totally work there. It would probably end up being all Faygo and Arizona for sale though.

OK, I have learned so much about this blossoming scene since Tuesday so while I was like, “Who is this and what is this that they’re doing?” in the moment, I can now tell you that the opening act was Sara Cantner who I now know is really big in the local fringe comedy scene (I also just learned about this too! I had been calling it avant garde up until now but I guess “fringe” is the word) so to have her do an impromptu 5 minute crowd warmer was pretty cool, it turns out! She came out, barefoot in jean shorts and a black tank top, guns blazing in the form of comedic interpretive dance. While she was really funny, there were two women behind us HOWLING and egging her on. Honestly, they were being so over-the-top that they were actually making me laugh even harder. It was very infectious like parasitic produce!

I later learned that Sara is an instructor at the Glitterbox’s clown classes, has toured the country with her own one-person shows, and is also an instructor at the Arcade Comedy Club in Pgh. Her bio also says “award-winning” but I’m not sure what award she has won although I can tell you it was deserved! She gave Molly Shannon vibes.

THEN IT TURNED OUT THAT AT LEAST ONE OF THE WOMEN BEHIND US IS ALSO A CLOWN. We eventually realized as the night went on that pretty much everyone in attendance was a clown, a clown-in-training, or related to a clown. And then there was us, the outliers! Just like at the Sandy Loaf film screening, LOL! We are slowly infiltrating one underground scene at a time, you guys. Henry had no idea this is how he’d be living out his Empty Nest Years yet here we are!

Next, we had local clown O’Ryan the O’Mazing. Out of all three performers that night, he is the most “traditional” clown and according to his website, he does do a lot of performances for children. However! His skit this night was a little more adult-themed, starting off with snorting lines of confetti out of his palm with a noise maker. It was really funny!

The fingers!

Anyway, he was very funny and my face was starting to hurt from laughing. Meanwhile, there was a lady next to Henry who has RBF through the whole thing, I was so confused!

During the intermission, the headlining clown, Mitchell, began readying the stage for his performance, which involved him setting up a prop table RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

OK…I truly don’t even know where to begin with this one but I am obsessed. At first, of course, I was like GIANT WTF. He came out from behind the curtains wearing, I don’t even know, just layers of clothing with a babushka type thing on his head, yelling in a very theatrical 1920s actress drawl and somewhere along the way it was revealed to us that he was an octopus and he was trying to get to Hollywood, and honestly I HAVE NO IDEA and had whiplash from the chaos splayed out before me, but it was A GOOD TIME.

Then there was an entire “horse doctor” segment and the pregnant lady’s wife got picked to be the doctor and then three other volunteers had to get up there and neigh, trot, and gallop. It was so FUCKING STUPID but incredibly hilarious and I was in tears.

Then there was this bizarre and hysterical Little Red Riding Hood skit with the line “better for slurping and derping and sucking and fucking” and the woman he picked from the audience to play the role of the grandma who had that line said, “Oh, you’re KIDDING me” in an exasperated “anyone but me” tone.

One of the clowns-in-training had to hold a pool noodle and pretend that it was the boom but was told firmly “not to be weird with it” and Mitchell’s mom got to be the camera person. THEN HENRY WAS HANDED A SPRAY BOTTLE OF WATER and was instructed to “make sure they get wet and I mean SOPPING wet.”

Oh, my stomach hurt so bad from laughing. Literally the whole night was pure chaos and I was so there for it.

I don’t have any pictures of this but actually my favorite part was when he came out from behind the curtain with a piece of cardboard held in front of his face. It had two holes cut out – one was a small square and another was a larger rectangle – and the way he was able to drag out a skit with no words and just peering out from the holes in this piece of cardboard was commemorable, honestly. It was SO FUNNY – he had someone (actually it was O’Ryan the O’mazing, now back in street clothes as an audience member) feeding him an apple? a lemon? through one of the holes and I was dying.

YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

I am NOT afraid of clowns by any stretch of the imagination but there was something about the vibe and theme of the night that was very nightmare fueling. In a good way, though. I felt uncomfortable and nervous at moments, but it was also so fucking ridiculous and hilarious. I really can’t explain it and trust me, I have tried to tell people about it since this night and they are always like “????”

We both had such a fantastic time and, having been thrown face first into the raging waters of clowncore, have already bought tickets for the next clown night at Glitterbox later this month!

But real quick, some more stuff about Mitchell Ryan: he’s from Philly and I have learned that there is a thriving clown scene there. He was telling us after the show to look up the Philly Clown Slams where a bunch of local Philly clowns and some visiting guest clowns as well get together and just perform these incredibly fringe, off-the-wall skits. Of course I told Chooch that he should go to one and he did not respond. I think he is so confused every time Henry and I go out and do something because it’s like we’re regressing rather than sitting at home watching our shows and getting old. (I mean, we also do that, too, don’t worry.)

Also, Philly was designated the “national center for clowns.” This is amazing. I am learning so much. Like, clowns don’t even have to dress like Bozo in order to be a clown. My friend Bill commented on my IG post and said that he too has noticed that the idea of “clowning” has really morphed into this cool and alternative (I think he also used the term sexy!) thing and it is TRUE. Mitchell’s set was definitely racy and a huge departure from your typical “twisting up balloon animals at Becky’s birthday party” that we tend to think of at the mention of clowns (or, you know, John Wayne Gacy).

When we were last with Shawn and Jess at the Greek food festival, I was lamenting over the fact that while I have a lot of interests, I have never really found my “group of people,” you know? Like, yes, I have my scenes (kpop, post-hardcore, horror) but the community/group aspect is not there. I don’t go to shows and make friends. I love horror and have gone to some horror events and have never felt like I belonged. Things like that.

But now I’m wondering – DID I JUST FIND MY PEOPLE?? I mean, I’m not saying I’m going to be signing up for clown classes anytime soon or ever, but I feel like I want to be friends with these people and I want to go out and make a conscious effort to support them. (Also, I suggested that Henry and I secretly train to become clowns and surprise Chooch with a public appearance when he’s home for the holidays but Henry frowned at that idea, and then when I was on the Glitterbox website and bluffed that I signed him up to volunteer for “any performances” he freaked out and yelled, “YOU DID NOT.”)

:)

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