Jul 172008

Darnell and Yolanda’s love had been on the fritz for the past 17 months, starting back when Darnell fathered a love child with the neighbor’s milkmaid and started stealing Yolanda’s pearls to meet his child support payments.

When Yolanda found out, she cared less about the pearls and more about the fact that Darnell had used Mountain Dew as an excuse for his inability to impregnant her. "Baby, my sperm count is drastically lowered from doin’ so much Dew." Turns out he was secretly using condoms because he was afraid that any offspring they might produce would inherit Yolanda’s lazy eyes, eczema, and blizzarding dandruff.

One balmy afternoon, after months of terse salutations and a frustrating sexy time hiatus, they finally decided to quit ignoring the skeletons in the closet;  and so, they dove right in to a wet, sticky and vulgar imbroglio.

They screamed things like: "You’re a good for nothin’ triflin’ HOBAG!" and "Oh my BAD, I thought that was your baby mama callin’ you but it’s just a STRAY CAT!"

At the end of the seventh hour, they stood in the kitchen, chests heaving with a polarizing combination of adrenaline and exhaustion. Yolanda did it first: using a butter knife, she made a calculated incision between two ribs and scooped out her heart with her palm like it was a chunk of melon for a fruit salad.

Darnell followed suit and the war of the roses ended with two abused, trampled hearts, discarded and stewing in a pool of coagulating blood on the linoleum.

Little does Darnell know, Yolanda has been moonlighting at the burlesque club, patiently saving money to pay for the hit she plans to put out on his stank cheatin’ ass.

PLEASE NOTE: My scanner was acting like a crabapple, so I had to take actual photographs of this. It doesn’t do it justice, I promise. The areas where it looks like the paint is thin, that’s just glare from that stupid sun.

Original painting on a 5×12* piece of gallery-wrapped canvas. Sides are unstapled and painting so it’s ready to be hung as is!

Can be found HERE with all my other fine (haha) wares.

(* I measured this myself so God only knows what the measurements really are.)


  8 Responses to “Lame Art Promo”


    especially- with the story.
    but- it hurts me.

  2. I love it also.

    Which was the painting you said you sold a few weeks ago, that you said was your favorite? You mentioned it in a Twitter, I think.

  3. Love this! The painting and the story are so wonderful, in a sad, heartcrushing way.

Say it don't spray it.

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