Jul 202008

At Lowe’s on the current. Henry wanted Chooch and me to stay in the car so he could just run in and buy a padlock for work. First Chooch started crying so Henry reluctantly unstrapped him and took him out of the car. Then I was like, "Me too" and boy was Henry ever frustrated.

In the lock aisle, I suggested Henry purchase a delightful lime green lock with an alpha passcode, which he would then naturally choose "tuna" as the secret word and then proceed to scream real loud.

But instead he chose to ignore me and spent several painful minutes pursing his moustachioed lips while perusing the selection with constipating seriousness. I made some comment coated with teenaged attitude about all locks being the same, to which Henry angrily responded with a boring lesson on the varying sizes of padlocks and what it all means.

Meanwhile, Chooch was running off with thieved merchandise from shelves and I was bitching about how boring it is at Lowe’s. "This is why I wanted both of you to stay in the car!" Henry barked.

Then some dude with a limp, a protruding lip, and the general demeanor of a kid who spent his childhood making bombs and having no friends, came over and attempted to make two keys for Henry’s golden padlock of choice, but failed because he was too busy staring at my boobs and plotting the demise of our Nation to find the key code on the package. Not sure if there’s any correlation there.

On our way out, an elderly Lowe’s employee with icy blue eyes said "thank you" but I thought she said "Bury a deer."

  6 Responses to “Lowe’s: Just as Boring as Home Depot”

  1. It amused me that I chose now to read this post, since today I was chosen to accompany my husband to a trip to Lowe’s (yet again). We’re currently re-doing our bedroom and this shall be our fourth trip to the store where I have to wander the millions of aisles stocked with a bunch of stuff that all looks the same to me, and bury myself under a forest full of lumber in our cart. Can you tell how excited I am? Oh, I am. Totally.

  2. “Bury a deer”

    oh god. lol.

  3. This whole post is making me lose it so bad!!!

Say it don't spray it.

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