Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 17:55 Ramen noodles and creamed corn for dinner, made by my own two hands. NO HELP. #
• 17:59 Not that I wouldnt PREFER help #
• 18:05 I slaved over the stove all so Chooch can haughtily say “I can’t like creamed corn.” ASSHOLE. #
• 18:34 The fact that my teeth began to ache halfway thru the commercial makes me rethink my initial desire to procure and devour a Wazoo bar. #
  

  ---

• 16:28 I feel very confident in @dyannnnna’s and my choice of tattoo parlor. April 18th seems so far away! :( #
• 16:52 My blog has made Henry semi-famous and he’s NOT enthused. #
• 17:22 What, I always wear stilettos with a sweatshirt to the grocery store. #
• 21:11 When I was a teen, Whitesnake’s “Is This <3” used to make me wish for a blue collared, older man boyfriend clad in a denim jacket. #
• 21:12 The moral of this story: be careful what u wish for. #
• 21:26 OK I take back my disdain – Henry bought a crock pot so now he can cook us dinner even when he’s not here! No more eating like orphans! #
• 23:05 Tried to get Henry to be a vampire. Was unsuccessful. #
  

  ---

• 00:50 Hopefully someone asks me to marry them so I can have Now That’s What I Call Power Ballads played on repeat at the reception. #
• 00:51 Stephanie from Wisconsin lost 31lbs so fast and I’m drunk. #
• 10:19 I swear it sounded like Henry said he wanted to dick stroke me. Always mixing me up with his boyfriend. #
• 12:24 My Henrietta is at the dining room table, sewing away. #
• 17:04 Alisha is prepping me for bowling. I’m scared. #
• 18:09 Alisha is learning me some bowling etiquette now. My knowledge, it flows. #
• 19:04 Totally flinched when Alisha raised her hand to pat my shoulder. #
• 19:28 Me: “we should have a bowling club!” Alisha: “I believe they’re called leagues” Collin: “we could join a league. And suck.” #
• 19:29 I GOT MY FIRST STRIKE MUTHAFUCKA WHUTWHUT. #
• 19:30 That wasn’t as sexual as I thought itd be. #
• 20:11 Me: that garbage smells. Henry: its garbage. #
• 20:16 Alisha’s reasoning for losing: “I just want to make sure someone scores below Erin” #
• 20:48 Somehow I’m in second place out of SEVEN BITCHES YO. Dyanna calls beginners luck but I think I’m a secret professional. #
• 20:59 AYO I’m a natural at this bowling biznass. #
• 21:03 AYO = thug battlecry, for ppl like @dyannnnna who are too white to knizow. #
• 22:58 About to try and rub my blood on a wendy’s employee. #
• 09:59 Convincing Chooch that “hollaaa!” is a better salutation than “hello.” Hopefully he heeds my advice next time he makes an entrance. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.