Oct 302009
 

Apparently LoudTwitter is down again so I got to do these all by hand, which was exactly how I wanted to spend the last 30 minutes.  

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:28 Anytime I see George Parros, I think I’m watching vintage #NHL footage from the ’70s, god love him. #
  • 16:26 If you strummed my nerves, death metal would likely blow your face off. #
  • 16:48 I’d stab my way through a wall of altar boys to get to sushi. #
  • ***
  • 00:19 I’m constantly glimpsing Leatherface’s silhouette in the frosted window of my front door. Exhilarating. #
  • 10:24 Me: “Hockey’s on tonight!” Chooch, gesturing disgustedly to NHL TV: “Um, it’s ALWAYS on!” #
  • 14:52 Jack o’lanterns would cower in fear if I were a dude.
  • 19:40 Henry’s spent the last 10 minutes sniffing potpourri. How un-Service of him.
  • 20:32 “Don’t try to be like me.” “Why would I want to be an asshole?”
  • 23:02   Chooch is recording From Dusk Til Dawn. Just what he needs, a Tarantino language enhancement.
  • ***
  • 00:33   Leave it to a girl fight on MTV’s RR/RW Challenge to lure @awoodhick into the room.
  • 10:15 Nothing like a little Better Than Ezra in the morning to crush my spirit by reminding me of better days!
  • 18:13 I’m not normally one for Facebook games, but Roller Coaster Kingdom has my time & attention hog-tied. Nice vaca for my brain. Send me gifts!
  • 18:40 I love how irritated SOME PEOPLE get when I won’t take anything for a headache. It’s not like I COMPLAIN a lot.
  • 22:10   Three-year-olds make the worst messengers. Totally a “duh” statement, but just putting that out there.
  • 22:15 I know I’m old when every haunted house I’ve gone to this season gave me a headache for a parting gift. Tonight’s haunt was worth it.
  • 23:52 Henry did a batch of 27 pendants while I was out tonight. Can only imagine what he’ll want as payment. Sometimes being a ho sucks. GET IT.
  • ***
  • 00:10   Not much has changed in 8 yrs. I still beg Henry for gifts, just now they’re for Roller Coaster Kingdom.
  • 15:00 http://twitpic.com/mmhiy – Progress: custom children octopi, almost done.
  • 15:02 Chooch just came downstairs and said, “Daddy said, ‘You’re bad just like your mother!'” & we both laughed.
  • 17:08   Nothing good can ever come from an ass lingering in your face.
  • 20:14 In looking for a Sharpie to draw on a pre-carved pumpkin, the only one Henry found was an orange one. Oh ho ho. Also, #Pens look dead.
  • 22:29 My #Pens-related cheers of exuberance are slightly more raucous with the aid of spiced apple wine. Henry does not approve, I’m sure.
  • 21:24 #Pens win in a shootout. Now I can go shoot up. Or, you know, weave a rug.
  • ***
  • 10:45 It’s always a contest to see who got the most sleep.
  • 12:34   Never let Henry fill out the info for your fantasy hockey team unless you want a misspelled name.
  • 12:37 Today I found out that Chooch hates my blog and Facebook because they’re always in his way. :/
  • 15:08I love it when I realize I’m subsconsciously crying while listening to certain bands. No really, I love it. It’s like an enema for the soul
  • 15:11 Why can’t I ever be with Henry when he sees people fucking in a car.
  • 16:55 Spent the day making mix CDs and wishing Matt Duchene was my little brother.
  • 17:11 Me: “I had a dream about an amusement park.” Henry: “I’m not surprised.” Fuck you, Roller Coaster Kingdom, for making me predictable.
  • 17:34 Oh but I could sit here fisting a blob of Play-Doh all day. As long as it doesn’t get messy, but when has fisting ever been clean.
  • 18:36 About to go on a haunted hayride w/ my friend Cinn. (Black) magic happens every time we get together so hopefully no one’s barn burns down.
  • 22:59 Cinn dropped my half of a Snickers on the ground and gave me her sanitary half instead. That is true friendship.
  • 23:08 I expect @cantcme99 and @saucalisha to eat filthy candy for me from now on.
  • ***
  • 00:39 After keeping haunted houses for 14 years (dork alert), I still maintain the small ones are best. Fuck the glitzy $18-ticket cattle herds.
  • 00:45 Haunted house journals, is what that last tweet should say. I’m drunk off wine and NHL On The Fly, boy-eeeeez. Fuck the Flyers!
  • 10:57 8 yrs together and Henry still serves me scrambled eggs without Ketchup. It’s relationship-rethinking time.
  • 11:07 Trying to share new music w/ Henry, he goes “Bitch, fuck your music” and shoved me down the basement steps, where I gave music a blow job.
  • 12:34 If you ever want your day ruined, come to my house & Henry will get right on that.
  • 15:08   Alisha was scared during the daylight walkthru of Castle Blood. We’re stopping at Wal-Mart so she can buy new underwear. :/
  • 16:27 Henry’s reminiscing about all the times I’ve punched/attacked him &I’m in tears from laughing. GOOD TIMES.
  • 16:42 Constantly reminded of why I hate the Steelers.
  • 17:13 Alisha just said she doesn’t need to have an imagination with me around. That means we’re best friends & she’ll eat dirty candy for me!
  • 17:19 Chooch asked me to tell him a story abt Henry pooping his pants but every scenario I could think of involved Henry’s ass & giant weeners.
  • 20:07 I feel like a prerequisite to being in the Mob should be serving time as a Philadelphia Flyer. #nhl
  • 22:08 I wish Devil-centric threats had an effect on my child. But thanks to my friends giving Marcy her nickname, he thinks Satan is a cat.
  • ***
  • 11:26 Chooch, upon learning that some girl on TV is named Paige: “Paige, like on Degrassi?” Shit, I’ve molded him well.
  • 12:42 I don’t think not wanting drug addicts/dealers around my kid makes me a bad person. Kicking blind babies, maybe.
  • 17:43 I’m looking for homemade deep conditioning techniques (besides ejaculate) that are foolproof for a ‘tard like me. Plz help.
  • 20:29 Chooch wants to be himself for Halloween & if asked what he’s supposed to be, he’ll say, “a motherfucker.” Perhaps I’ll sit this one out.
  • ***
  • 00:56   If you ever want to see Henry jump& squeal like a pussy, tell him a spider’s abt to crawl up his leg. Or a new Sweet Valley book is out.
  • 01:42 @starkeepr I’ve tried the cum conditioner before. I can’t remember if it worked, I was too busy feeling awkward since it was ur dad’s.
  • 01:50 I miss the days when the radio didn’t make me sick of Death Cab For Cutie.
  • 15:59 Henry uses the same password for everything, except Facebook. I just found out today. Wtf kind of sham of a relationship am I in, anyway?
  • 16:39 Tired of all the “omgits[blank]” usernames I see everywhere. Is no one original anymore? Oh wait, I already know that answer.
  • 18:05 MTV’s Disaster Date would be better if the contestants actually endured bodily harm &/or amputation/death. I’d sign up Janna so fast.
  • 19:13 hoping to see Ovie do something fancy tonight. Like maybe a celebratory goal-scoring Tarzan swing off Hartnell’s ginger fro. #nhl
  • 19:42 I get serious heart palpitations whenever I email a photo of a custom painting to the customer.
  • 20:44 I love watching the Capitals play. Even more, I love imagining Hartnell crying carrot tears every time the Flyers lose. (I hope they lose.)
  • 21:08 I might volunteer to be a clown. And then immediately ask to be paid.
  • 22:17 There are quite a few dancers on SYTYCD that I already can’t wait to go home.
  • 22:20 No really. Let’s NOT cross our fingers for Paula Abdul to join the #SYTYCD judging panel.
  • ***
  • 01:44 Well shit, I can’t kill myself until I have enough knee socks to finish my noose. Send me some?
  • 02:16 I’m thinking I should start scratching DIE into peoples’ pictures again. Perhaps after I go to sleep, though.
  • 12:09 Has too much kazoo ever driven a person to kill? Because I feel as though I’m en route.
  • 14:00 Just heard Malkin be referred to as “the Russian kid” on NHL Live.
  • 16:55 Glad Chooch waited until now to pick a costume that requires a trip to the hardware store & a 100 hrs of manual labor. Godspeed, Henry.
  • 17:11 Henry wants to shave Chooch’s head, stuff him in a robe, jam some flowers in his fist & send him off as a Hare Krishna. Oh, desperation.
  • 19:34 Henry may be a cocksucking, heavy-footed, unfunny, dirty sock-litterer, but that douche can make a mean pot of soup.
  • 19:51 And suddenly, Henry feels good about my pick of Kunitz for Extra Attacker. #nhldorkery
  • 20:55 Please do not take this hat trick away from Crosby.
  • 20:58 A Chooch Tale: “My puke spilled, into my mouth, but I dranked it back down, like this [insert hearty swallowing sound effect].” The End.
  • 22:00 YAY EXTRA ATTACKER!! #pens #nhl
  • ***
  • 01:32 Almost just agreed to let Henry practice acupuncture on me, where the fuck is my head. Almost beneath a wreath of ice picks, that’s where.
  • 12:08   http://twitpic.com/ne9pc – Perhaps he could just be a gamer for Halloween.
  • 12:29 Nothing beats sitting on the couch and receiving an anal violation from a Happy Meal toy.
  • 14:50 My kid is fucking exhausting every goddamn costume idea I have. I’m giving him one more hour to decide, or NO TRICK OR TREATING.
  • 14:52 FUCK, PARENTING IS HARD. Doesn’t he know he’s trick or treating to jack off mommy’s Reeses Cup addiction??
  • 21:06 I only hope that “om nom nom” gets buried in the vernacular landfill sometime very soon, next to the rotting corpse of “I can haz.” FUCK.

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

  One Response to “The Whole Shit Load of Tweets”

  1. hey, I am glad you took the time to post these here. Just saying.

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