The Whole Shit Load of Tweets

Apparently LoudTwitter is down again so I got to do these all by hand, which was exactly how I wanted to spend the last 30 minutes.  

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:28 Anytime I see George Parros, I think I’m watching vintage #NHL footage from the ’70s, god love him. #
• 16:26 If you strummed my nerves, death metal would likely blow your face off. #
• 16:48 I’d stab my way through a wall of altar boys to get to sushi. #
• ***
• 00:19 I’m constantly glimpsing Leatherface’s silhouette in the frosted window of my front door. Exhilarating. #
• 10:24 Me: “Hockey’s on tonight!” Chooch, gesturing disgustedly to NHL TV: “Um, it’s ALWAYS on!” #
• 14:52 Jack o’lanterns would cower in fear if I were a dude.
• 19:40 Henry’s spent the last 10 minutes sniffing potpourri. How un-Service of him.
• 20:32 “Don’t try to be like me.” “Why would I want to be an asshole?”
• 23:02   Chooch is recording From Dusk Til Dawn. Just what he needs, a Tarantino language enhancement.
• ***
• 00:33   Leave it to a girl fight on MTV’s RR/RW Challenge to lure @awoodhick into the room.
• 10:15 Nothing like a little Better Than Ezra in the morning to crush my spirit by reminding me of better days!
• 18:13 I’m not normally one for Facebook games, but Roller Coaster Kingdom has my time & attention hog-tied. Nice vaca for my brain. Send me gifts!
• 18:40 I love how irritated SOME PEOPLE get when I won’t take anything for a headache. It’s not like I COMPLAIN a lot.
• 22:10   Three-year-olds make the worst messengers. Totally a “duh” statement, but just putting that out there.
• 22:15 I know I’m old when every haunted house I’ve gone to this season gave me a headache for a parting gift. Tonight’s haunt was worth it.
• 23:52 Henry did a batch of 27 pendants while I was out tonight. Can only imagine what he’ll want as payment. Sometimes being a ho sucks. GET IT.
• ***
• 00:10   Not much has changed in 8 yrs. I still beg Henry for gifts, just now they’re for Roller Coaster Kingdom.
• 15:00 http://twitpic.com/mmhiy – Progress: custom children octopi, almost done.
• 15:02 Chooch just came downstairs and said, “Daddy said, ‘You’re bad just like your mother!'” & we both laughed.
• 17:08   Nothing good can ever come from an ass lingering in your face.
• 20:14 In looking for a Sharpie to draw on a pre-carved pumpkin, the only one Henry found was an orange one. Oh ho ho. Also, #Pens look dead.
• 22:29 My #Pens-related cheers of exuberance are slightly more raucous with the aid of spiced apple wine. Henry does not approve, I’m sure.
• 21:24 #Pens win in a shootout. Now I can go shoot up. Or, you know, weave a rug.
• ***
• 10:45 It’s always a contest to see who got the most sleep.
• 12:34   Never let Henry fill out the info for your fantasy hockey team unless you want a misspelled name.
• 12:37 Today I found out that Chooch hates my blog and Facebook because they’re always in his way. :/
• 15:08I love it when I realize I’m subsconsciously crying while listening to certain bands. No really, I love it. It’s like an enema for the soul
• 15:11 Why can’t I ever be with Henry when he sees people fucking in a car.
• 16:55 Spent the day making mix CDs and wishing Matt Duchene was my little brother.
• 17:11 Me: “I had a dream about an amusement park.” Henry: “I’m not surprised.” Fuck you, Roller Coaster Kingdom, for making me predictable.
• 17:34 Oh but I could sit here fisting a blob of Play-Doh all day. As long as it doesn’t get messy, but when has fisting ever been clean.
• 18:36 About to go on a haunted hayride w/ my friend Cinn. (Black) magic happens every time we get together so hopefully no one’s barn burns down.
• 22:59 Cinn dropped my half of a Snickers on the ground and gave me her sanitary half instead. That is true friendship.
• 23:08 I expect @cantcme99 and @saucalisha to eat filthy candy for me from now on.
• ***
• 00:39 After keeping haunted houses for 14 years (dork alert), I still maintain the small ones are best. Fuck the glitzy $18-ticket cattle herds.
• 00:45 Haunted house journals, is what that last tweet should say. I’m drunk off wine and NHL On The Fly, boy-eeeeez. Fuck the Flyers!
• 10:57 8 yrs together and Henry still serves me scrambled eggs without Ketchup. It’s relationship-rethinking time.
• 11:07 Trying to share new music w/ Henry, he goes “Bitch, fuck your music” and shoved me down the basement steps, where I gave music a blow job.
• 12:34 If you ever want your day ruined, come to my house & Henry will get right on that.
• 15:08   Alisha was scared during the daylight walkthru of Castle Blood. We’re stopping at Wal-Mart so she can buy new underwear. :/
• 16:27 Henry’s reminiscing about all the times I’ve punched/attacked him &I’m in tears from laughing. GOOD TIMES.
• 16:42 Constantly reminded of why I hate the Steelers.
• 17:13 Alisha just said she doesn’t need to have an imagination with me around. That means we’re best friends & she’ll eat dirty candy for me!
• 17:19 Chooch asked me to tell him a story abt Henry pooping his pants but every scenario I could think of involved Henry’s ass & giant weeners.
• 20:07 I feel like a prerequisite to being in the Mob should be serving time as a Philadelphia Flyer. #nhl
• 22:08 I wish Devil-centric threats had an effect on my child. But thanks to my friends giving Marcy her nickname, he thinks Satan is a cat.
• ***
• 11:26 Chooch, upon learning that some girl on TV is named Paige: “Paige, like on Degrassi?” Shit, I’ve molded him well.
• 12:42 I don’t think not wanting drug addicts/dealers around my kid makes me a bad person. Kicking blind babies, maybe.
• 17:43 I’m looking for homemade deep conditioning techniques (besides ejaculate) that are foolproof for a ‘tard like me. Plz help.
• 20:29 Chooch wants to be himself for Halloween & if asked what he’s supposed to be, he’ll say, “a motherfucker.” Perhaps I’ll sit this one out.
• ***
• 00:56   If you ever want to see Henry jump& squeal like a pussy, tell him a spider’s abt to crawl up his leg. Or a new Sweet Valley book is out.
• 01:42 @starkeepr I’ve tried the cum conditioner before. I can’t remember if it worked, I was too busy feeling awkward since it was ur dad’s.
• 01:50 I miss the days when the radio didn’t make me sick of Death Cab For Cutie.
• 15:59 Henry uses the same password for everything, except Facebook. I just found out today. Wtf kind of sham of a relationship am I in, anyway?
• 16:39 Tired of all the “omgits[blank]” usernames I see everywhere. Is no one original anymore? Oh wait, I already know that answer.
• 18:05 MTV’s Disaster Date would be better if the contestants actually endured bodily harm &/or amputation/death. I’d sign up Janna so fast.
• 19:13 hoping to see Ovie do something fancy tonight. Like maybe a celebratory goal-scoring Tarzan swing off Hartnell’s ginger fro. #nhl
• 19:42 I get serious heart palpitations whenever I email a photo of a custom painting to the customer.
• 20:44 I love watching the Capitals play. Even more, I love imagining Hartnell crying carrot tears every time the Flyers lose. (I hope they lose.)
• 21:08 I might volunteer to be a clown. And then immediately ask to be paid.
• 22:17 There are quite a few dancers on SYTYCD that I already can’t wait to go home.
• 22:20 No really. Let’s NOT cross our fingers for Paula Abdul to join the #SYTYCD judging panel.
• ***
• 01:44 Well shit, I can’t kill myself until I have enough knee socks to finish my noose. Send me some?
• 02:16 I’m thinking I should start scratching DIE into peoples’ pictures again. Perhaps after I go to sleep, though.
• 12:09 Has too much kazoo ever driven a person to kill? Because I feel as though I’m en route.
• 14:00 Just heard Malkin be referred to as “the Russian kid” on NHL Live.
• 16:55 Glad Chooch waited until now to pick a costume that requires a trip to the hardware store & a 100 hrs of manual labor. Godspeed, Henry.
• 17:11 Henry wants to shave Chooch’s head, stuff him in a robe, jam some flowers in his fist & send him off as a Hare Krishna. Oh, desperation.
• 19:34 Henry may be a cocksucking, heavy-footed, unfunny, dirty sock-litterer, but that douche can make a mean pot of soup.
• 19:51 And suddenly, Henry feels good about my pick of Kunitz for Extra Attacker. #nhldorkery
• 20:55 Please do not take this hat trick away from Crosby.
• 20:58 A Chooch Tale: “My puke spilled, into my mouth, but I dranked it back down, like this [insert hearty swallowing sound effect].” The End.
• 22:00 YAY EXTRA ATTACKER!! #pens #nhl
• ***
• 01:32 Almost just agreed to let Henry practice acupuncture on me, where the fuck is my head. Almost beneath a wreath of ice picks, that’s where.
• 12:08   http://twitpic.com/ne9pc – Perhaps he could just be a gamer for Halloween.
• 12:29 Nothing beats sitting on the couch and receiving an anal violation from a Happy Meal toy.
• 14:50 My kid is fucking exhausting every goddamn costume idea I have. I’m giving him one more hour to decide, or NO TRICK OR TREATING.
• 14:52 FUCK, PARENTING IS HARD. Doesn’t he know he’s trick or treating to jack off mommy’s Reeses Cup addiction??
• 21:06 I only hope that “om nom nom” gets buried in the vernacular landfill sometime very soon, next to the rotting corpse of “I can haz.” FUCK.

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