Feb 082021
 

Toasty Tempers

Over the weekend Chooch happened to be watching me make toast and legit SCREAMED, “omg ew you put butter and jelly TOGETHER?!” like this was a crime?! And he had never known this was a combination that existed in the world?! So of course we engaged in verbal fisticuffs, as we are wont to argue over EVERYTHING these days (yay pandemic) and then Henry chimed in to defend my toast choices but also to add that he usually skips the butter-lube and goes straight for the jelly, which…OK fine, I guess but why tho.

I actually felt really self-conscious about it this morning (the joys of being a mom to a teenager) and GOOGLED to see if I had once again been led astray by my family during my formative years but NO, THIS IS NORMAL (at least in some countries), of course it is, so thanks for making me doubt my toast dressings, son. Also, it’s cool that it took him 14 years to notice how I eat my toast. I mean, all those breakfasts we had at greasy spoon diners during road trips, and he never once saw me liberally slather up some toast with butter and jelly?

(To whom it may concern: my butter/jelly ratio is definitely 80:20 in favor of vegan butter because it’s so stupidly good.)

This has been Toast Talk with Oh Honestly Erin.

Side note: I posted this on Instagram and it inspired the most interaction my stupid IG feed ever has which is both hilarious and also not surprising at all. Usually I ask a question and it wafts off into the ether with no response but apparently people have opinions on toast!

Oh wait another side note: I had a vivid flashback to my sordid jelly-thieving past, where I would cup as many little jelly packets into my sweaty child palm before leaving Denny’s and shove them in my coat pocket and then naturally forget about them because I wasn’t a fucking box car kid looking to store up some future sustenance when the cans of sardines ran out. Anyway, when I say I forgot about them, I REALLY forgot about them because they loitered so long in my coat that they eventually exploded and formed a giant cross-bred jelly brain in the pocket. I was never able to wear that coat again and IT WAS SO NICE!

Robe Rage

Penelope and I had big words because ever since I put this tiger robe on Trudy, Penelope is acting like she’s a goddamn bull and Trudy’s the matador. She keeps jumping and hanging off the robe (OK, so Trudy isn’t the best matador) and it’s making me lose my mind! I don’t want to have to de-robe Trudy, I just want Penelope to stop! So now I sound like Blake & Haley next door screaming at their devil kids, and the recipient of MY screams is just as unresponsive and RUDE as those kids.

We have never had an issue with either cat fucking with Trudy, not even when she’s fully dressed as a Xmas tree, but this robe is taunting Penelope in a big way.

I moved Trudy to a more compact spot, thinking it would be less tempting to Penelope if Trudy wasn’t taunting her from the middle of the room, but NOPE I still caught her dangling from the robe this morning and I was like YOU ARE LUCKY YOU ARE A CAT AND NOT A CHILD BECAUSE I AM UNABLE TO EVER BE ANGRY AT ANIMALS! UGH!!

The Who?-aneers

OK you guys know that I go out of my way to not know about football but I still at least know some shit, like which players are rapists, some position names, which teams are cheaters, which players made cameos in Back to the Beach…you know, the important shit. Also, I am Team That ‘Take A Knee’ Guy forever.

And yes it’s true that if the Steelers aren’t in the Superbowl, then I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t ever know which teams are playing and the only reason I mention the Steelers isn’t because I’m a fan because they’re the team I hate the most but it’s because I live in Pittsburgh and I would have to move to a bunker and eat Velveeta and canned pears for several months in order to ignore talk about the Steelers going to the Superbowl (I mean there’s a song for that shit and everything).

So, the moral of my story is that when I received a news alert Sunday to tell me who won the Superbowl, I should have recognized the name of the team because I’m not some ignorant stooge. But you guys, I have literally NEVER heard of the Buccaneers. To the point where I actually thought the it was typo, or maybe there is some minor league Superbowl that happens at the same time and this was the baby farm team that won Superbowl Jr?

But Henry confirmed that no, the news alert was right. The Buccaneers are a team and they are from Tampa Bay.

Oh, so maybe they’re a newer team then, like how the Tampa Bay Lightning are still kind of new-ish in the NHL?

“Yeah sure,” Henry said, “if you consider a team that was formed in 1979 ‘new’.”

“TOM BRADY IS ON THAT TEAM??” I cried, reading another news alert. “SINCE WHEN?” because again, I know some shit about football, just apparently expired facts.

“Uh, yeah,” Henry mumbled, clearly more invested in whatever ‘people falling down’ Reddit thread had him drooling mindlessly onto his phone. “Since this season.”

Well no wonder why they won! Isn’t he a cheater?! Cheaters always win. (Not that I would know…)

Anyway, I looked up Buccaneers info for myself though because Henry’s mansplainin’ game usually leaves something to be desired, and they were actually formed in 1976 not 1979!! So I had to tweet a correction before more manlier mansplainers took action against my FOOTBALL IGNORANCE. Then I woke Henry to yell at him for giving me the wrong information and he was like, “I didn’t say 1979, I said 1976” and NO HE DID NOT so then we had an actual argument over what date Henry actually said, thanks Buccaneers?!

Chooch, overhearing this Buccaneer brouhaha, chimed in to say, “I’m actually surprised that the Chiefs lost. They had a much better season.” Noticing my incredulous WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU look, Chooch added, “Oh, I looked it up before I bet.”

Like, le duh.

Choose Your Words Carefully

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