Jul 122022

We’re not allowed to use the word “general” at my job so now I feel like a real bad ass, rule-breaker.

Michigan’s Adventure is part of the Cedar Fair group (Cedar Point, King’s Island, Knott’s, etc) and it is pretty much considered the worst park across the board by enthusiasts and general public. But when you’re an enthusiast, you will go to where you need to go in order to add the new coaster credits under the proverbial belt. (I’ve mentioned coaster creds to several different people recently and they all asked the same thing: “what do you get if you collect the most? like a prize?” Nope. Just bragging rights? A beefy spreadsheet? Debt?) And the thing about Michigan’s Adventure that was appealing to us, well, two things:

  1. Shivering Timbers, this motherwhompin’ CCI woodie that is like THE TALK of Coaster Town – we will get to that in a separate post;
  2. It’s in the same state as Bill & Jessi so we got to visit them!

Michigan’s Adventure is located in Muskeon, MI which is where the minor league hockey team was that then-Pittsburgh Penguins Phil Borque got sent down to during one of the seasons in the 1980s. That was the first time I ever heard of “Muskegon” and pretty much the last time too until Michigan’s Adventure. So I always associate Muskegon with Phil Borque and thought about that a lot the day we were there, and also how back in the 80s he dated my aunt Susie’s friend Lori!!!

Anyway, my first impression was that the parking lot is a nightmare – the park had already been open for an hour and there was a huge line of cars trying to get in. I panicked and thought it was going to be crowded that day, but no – parking was just slow AF. Then the car that parked next to us, OMG I’m getting angry all over again remembering this, the passenger got out and proceeded to stand next to our car, blocking my door, while the driver of his car got out and stood there so that he could slowly and languidly apply sunscreen to her stupid person skin. I was like REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?!!? and then said FUCK IT and started opening my door until it was in danger of hitting the guy. He got the hint and they both moved down so that I could out, but now they were blocking Chooch’s door LOLOLOL OMFG MORONS. Chooch was like, “I’m not playing this game” and just scooted across the backseat and got out from the other side.


Getting into the park from there was smooth-sailing.  My immediate reaction was, “This place is not so bad!” Visually, I mean! We had yet to experience ride ops and customer service. WE SHALL SEE.

(Well, we already saw, but pretend with me that we’re going to find out together.)

…do Henry and Chooch count as friends? I hope so because they’re the only people I ever hang out with!

The Ferris wheel wasn’t running but I liked how it looked here behind the trees.

Let’s talk ambiance: this is a small park, but it’s cute and clean. I love parks that have lakes either next to them or in the middle – this one had really cute swan boats that you can see over yonder!

And I liked that the colors of the benches gave off a 1970s summer camp vibe.

It’s hard to fuck up soft serve (never mind, I’ve seen it done before) and  this one was simple and satisfying! (Although my one small complaint is that nowhere on the signs did it mention sprinkles so we had to ask. I expected them  to say no since it wasn’t listed anywhere, BUT THEY HAD IT! I’m sorry, but soft serve without sprinkles is like grilled cheese without ketchup.)

Stalking us while we were in line for Corkscrew. Then, in true Michael Myers fashion, I turned back around a second later and HE WAS GONE. How does he dip so fast like that? He must have learned it in the SERVICE.

Could this have been the least-worst Arrow corkscrew I’ve ever ridden?? It was smooooth and my head banged not even once. Also, the line was only about 20 minutes long which is appropriate. The longest line we probably stood in was for Thunderhawk, the Vekoma SLC, which was maybe around 30 minutes. Ops were decent here?!

Here’s Chooch ignoring me in line for said Vekoma SLC. I want to note, as evidence to support my earlier claims about ride ops: this one had ONE KID manning the general entrance to  the station, the Fast Lane entrance to the station, and checking the restraints on the left side of the train. ONE KID, barely any older than Chooch. He was getting the job DONE.

Also, I believe this was the only instance of LINE JUMPING we endured all day,  thank god. It was still frustrating though – a whole ass family of 4 or 5 “excuse me, pardon me”ing their way all the way up to the front. Annoying!!!! I wish I owned a park. I would enforce the rules and motherfuckers would be crying.

And probably suing too but we’ll tackle that when the day comes.

I should note that this was the third ride of the day, right after getting in A HUGE FIGHT with Henry on the second ride of the day: the carousel. Who fights on the carousel?? you might ponder. The couple who is 1/2 comprised of a camera-moron whose only task is to take a carouselfie of his family but does it shittily every time and then gets mad in retaliation when the other 1/2 gets mad first, and their offspring just sits there on his pony and endures it because, this is life. This is us.

Anyway, we got off the carousel and I was like LET’S JUST LEAVE but then proceeded to storm off in the opposite direction of the exit. Chooch kept pace with me but Henry was like, way behind. I dipped into the Thunderhawk line hoping that Henry wouldn’t know where we went but apparently he has us chipped because when we got off the ride, he was waiting for us like a dumb creep. Ugh. Then we were Happy Family again and didn’t fight anymore, look at us. That’s growth.

Zack’s Zoomer is a little wooden coaster that had what looked to be a short line but it was one train ops and suuuuuper slow moving.

We got to the station and I realized it was basically just like the Woodstock Express and I was like, “There is no fucking way we’re both fitting in one seat,” but Henry was like, “YES WE CAN” and he stuffed himself in next to me so hard that I felt my hipbone bend, I swear to god. I honetsly can’t believe that the ride ops let us sit together, it was sooo clown car-esque.

Chooch had to wait for the next train and he seemed fine with having a big of PARENT FREE time.

Bye, Chooch. Say “wheeee.”

OMG this fucking janky pile of lumber, lol. When we were standing in line, some really annoying, corny country ballad came on, something about “this is my song,” and I loudly said, “Who even likes this shit??” and Henry started cracking up because the three teenage girls in front of us where balls-to-the-wall lip synching along but I didn’t know because I had my back toward them when I was screaming about it.

I just think that amusement parks should exclusively play 1980s music.

I thought the station was so nice, how they had flower pots hanging over there.

Anyway, this ride was sooooo painful. The first part was great though – you leave the station and wind around into a tunnel and Y’ALL KNOW HOW I LOVE ME SOME TUNNELS. Then you go up the lift hill and get stuck at the top for a minute – at least, that’s what happened to us. Then the first drop is SO GOOD because it was recently RETRACKED so it was smoother than Rob Thomas singing “Smooth.”

But then as you’re going down the hill, you happen to look over to the right and notice that the rest of the coaster is OLD ASS WOOD TRACK and while you’re realizing this, the JACKHAMMERING BEGINS. Holy fuck, this was definitely up there with some of the roughest woodies I’ve ever willingly put myself through. Henry and I were bellowing our chorus of OWs like a couple of fallen angels taking their first waltz along the fiery coals of Hell.

Hey, GCI – bring some more of that smooth-ass track to Michigan, stat.

We didn’t ride this, but I thought the sign was cyoooooot.

Did I say Thunderhawk was the longest line we stood in that day? Scratch that bring it back, because it was actually Mad Mouse. We were prepared for this after watching numerous videos about how bizarre the ops are on this one, plus these damn wild mouse rides are GP faves so they always amass long lines no matter what.

Chooch was being such a baby about having to wait in line! Like we had anything else to do! I think he was really ready to leave because, GOD FORBID, his phone was dying/had died. Here’s a picture of Henry and Chooch talking about block zones and trying to understand why they were only allowing two cars on the course at once.

It really wasn’t that bad, waiting in this line. I think it was probably about 45 minutes (I mean, OK that’s pretty pathetic to wait that long for a wild mouse, but coaster creds make you do some dumb things). And it was actually a pretty decent ride!

After this, we stopped in the gift shop and bought some shirts (um, for one of the smallest, least-loved Cedar Fair parks, they have some great merch!), then made our way out of the park having ridden all of the coasters. Shivering Timbers was the highlight and you can let me fangirl about that in a separate post, if that’s OK with you. Cool, thanks!

Buh-bye, Michigan’s Adventure! You were not nearly as terrible as I had imagined. Hopefully Cedar Fair throws you a bone in the form of a new coaster and we will definitely come back!

Say it don't spray it.

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