Jul 032023
Please excuse this dorky picture of us, but it was our first Kennywood visit of the season so we had to take a selfie, duh. Henry and I popped over after work on Thursday, mostly just to get our season passes. The park was only open until 8pm since it was still June (god forbid) so we figured we could at least walk around, ride Phantom, be CASUAL.
If I look haggard, it’s because I am.
Ugh, I need to point out that Henry bought new shirts at Target and they are all variations of “rust” so in every picture I have of him over the last four days, it looks like he’s wearing the same shirt and it makes me actually so angry. He was actually wearing this same one on Sunday and realized sometime after Buc-ees and before Dunkin’ on the drive home that he got a big ass chocolate stain on it and that made me even more irritated. Please someone send this man band tees (XXL) or just any fucking shirt with a design. The only thing worse is when he wears his UGLY ASS GRAY RIP IT WORK SHIRTS. Oh lawdy help me from summoning the devil to do my dirty work. I literally am so annoyed right now and he’s not even here.
Anyway, it was a pretty uneventful trip. We got our passes. Saw the new alien-y area (it actually looks great but I will always fucking miss the Enterprise). It was one of the worst air quality days we had that week, so that was a choice. Saw a bitch (OK she was like 14) get a nosebleed on Phantom’s Revenge.

Not pictured: bitch’s nosebleed.

Kennywood went hogwild with the paint on the off season, that’s for sure! Love how poppin’ the Golden Nugget looks now! However, I do wish they would have allotted some of that makeover money to actually THEMING THE THOMAS TRAIN RIDE. And maybe also train your employees on being more cheerful, I dunno. The last couple of years, there have been some real duds working at the Golden Nugget and this visit was no exception.
My nug’ was prepared with little care, and I had to put on my own cherry after it was handed to me as an afterthought, but it still tasted like a good ol’ nostalgic Golden Nugget. I’m saying, if you come to Kennywood and ONLY get Potato Patch fries, you are fucking it wrong. I mean, yeah, get the fries, Kennywood is famous for ’em, but as my friend Alyson would say, ordering a Golden Nugget and trying desperately not to drop chunks of chocolate coating on the ground by the fountain and then eating even the parts of the cone where the napkin is stuck, is all part of the process.

Aside from this, we rode the Swing Shot and the fucking brute ride attendant stapled me so hard that the restraint was pressing really hard against my hipbone and I was almost crying. Then we were ALMOST “last ride of the night” on Exterminator (I think there were maybe 8 cars after us) and I fucking swear to god, that ride never gets old. I love it so much.

Honestly, I thought Kennywood had a major glow-up last year, but this year it’s like, “Hey hon, did you go on a medical tour of Korea during the offseason because you’re looking like you had some Grade A work done.” I mean, it was practically shimmering. And they have a new cafe?! Of course Henry was like, “Wow. Expensive” when I stopped by on the way out so I said, “OH OK I GUESS THAT MEANS NO COFFEE FOR ME” and stalked off.

So close to the end without incident, lol.

My one gripe with K-Wood is that they removed the vintage shooting gallery thing?! That has been there at least since I was a kid and probably way before that even! I couldn’t believe it. They put in some dumb remote control truck thing, I don’t even know. It looked stupid.

Well, that’s it. That’s my Kennywood wrap-up.

Say it don't spray it.

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