Jun 16

Kiski Railroad




The weather forecast for Saturday was rain, rain and more rain. I asked Henry, “Do you still want to go on that fantastically awesome scenic train ride, even in the rain?” and he said yes. At this point, my memory forbade me to remember all the other scenic train rides I had been on in my life time, and how extremely boring they truly are. (Unless, you know, you’re into that scenery shit.)

Schenely, PA is about an hour away and I was sulking for the majority of the ride. Just part of my nature. But then Henry stopped at a Sunoco and returned with a bag of mint M&Ms. I acted all ambivalent about it, but still drank down half the bag. Mood instantly lifted.

As soon as we boarded the train, it began pouring. Like any other sensible person, I chose the open-sided car so we could be treated to a natural shower and then simultaneously bitch about it for the hour long ride. There were about twenty other people who had the same idea.

While we were waiting for the 2:00 departure time to roll around, someone pointed out that one of the cars in the lot had an open window. It was the car right next to us, so Henry shouted out to the woman who owned it and then was thanked profusely by her and her husband. He sat there with a smug grin on his face, like he was some kind of fucking hero. I bet he did heroic shit like that all the time when he was in The Service, helping hookers climb out of vats of penii.

Imagine how tickled I was when the train kicked into motion and a woman’s voice filled the car from a speaker. Wow, a scenic railroad excursion paired with a guide enlightening us with local flavored fun facts? What a treat. Unfortunately, there was so much commotion on the train that her commentary came off sounding like the teacher from Peanuts. Every time I asked Henry what she said, it was always the same: “Something about the river. I don’t know.”

Chooch was really great for most of the first leg of the trip. He sat on my lap to avoid the torrential downfall that was attacking us from the sides. But then he had the itch to roam, and it all unraveled from there. Once he had his feet on the floor, it was like an open invitation for the other children on the train to come out and play. Chooch procured the four cars he brought in his backpack, and suddenly I had a horde of small children surrounding me: a one-year-old, another two-year-old (Sioux, like the tribe!!!!) and her six-year-old sister (Cheyenne, like the tribe!!!!), whose grandma was wearing a Kermit t-shirt and would not stop chatting with me the entire time and I was so nervous that I was physically clenching. And you know, with kids come parents. I really hate socializing with parents. Chooch was doling out his cars, only to confiscate them at his will. He seemed to take an immediate liking to the six-year-old, and was adament on giving her all the cars.

The one-year-old’s dad was wearing a Penguins hat, and I couldn’t help but notice Henry didn’t scoff, “Hockey season’s over” to him, like he does to me anytime I mention them.

At this point, I was unable to take in any of the trees and shit that we were passing, because I had to fulfill Mom duty and make sure that my son didn’t come to blows with anyone over a couple of fucking plastic cars. I hate this part of parenting. And you know what else I hate? Having to acknowledge other people’s kids. That Cheyenne chick kept standing in front of me and flapping her arms like a bird. “Oh. Uh, pretty,” I would try to placate her, instead of shoving her off on another parent like I really wanted. Another mother, though, she heartily exclaimed, “WOW! What are you, a bird?? OH COOL! You are so COOL! I LOVE KIDS! HAHAHAHA ZOLOFT!” Who the fuck gives a shit? Not me. Flap all you want, little girl. I’ll continue looking through you like you’re invisible to me. Because you are.



Chooch made me especially nervous around the one-year-old boy. I kept praying he wouldn’t push him off the train or choke him. (I had just taught Chooch that morning how to pretend-choke himself and quickly started to realize that I might wind up seeing repercussions to that act real quick.)



This guy told me what his purpose was when we first sat down. Something about doing something with the brakes? Who the hell really cares what his purpose is when he’s wearing some hot-assed overalls, though? Basically, he mopped us all off with towels and repeatedly noted that, “There are a lot of kids playing on this car!” and thank God for that play-by-play, because I really hadn’t noticed that my crazy kid was dominating over a trio of weaker-willed children.

After about an hour, I was stoked to see the station looming ahead. My hope was dashed as we turned around though, and headed in another direction. Apparently, you just can’t visit Schenely and not teeter precariously on a railroad bridge for fifty thousand minutes while a guide gives you muffled commentary about trout. And who would want to miss out on that?



It all looks so pretty, but on closer inspection below and to the left, I noticed that the camp site was dotted with Deliverance cast offs, who brought their laundry lines, rusted out pick up trucks, and large jugs to use as yard ornamentation; I’m pretty sure I smelled some hot incest from behind the jagger bushes, too. I can only hope Henry takes me there one day on our honeymoon.

Finally we got to leave and now I’m determined to remind myself every day that train rides are boring as fuck. I’m just glad Chooch didn’t call anyone an asshole.


16 Comments so far

  1. Bueno Mexicana June 16th, 2008 7:32 pm

    chooch is a leader for sure…
    in fact, i think i’ve seen him lead every single person he’s ever been around.

    thank god you and henry aren’t nazis.

    i shouldn’t lol at this:
    “Chooch made me especially nervous around the one-year-old boy. I Kept praying he wouldn’t push him off the train or choke him.”

    – but i do.

    i love these pictures, especially the brake guy!

  2. Tuna Tar-Tart June 16th, 2008 8:05 pm

    I’m scared that Chooch is going to be the schoolyard bully.

  3. Kell June 16th, 2008 8:34 pm

    1. I love your son.
    2. Gorgeous freakin’ photos as always!

  4. Tuna Tar-Tart June 17th, 2008 3:02 pm

    Thank you, Kell. You always make me smile:)

  5. merrymerry June 17th, 2008 12:17 am

    I LOVE the brake guy photo and the one of the river.

    Must have been my relatives camping down there…


  6. Tuna Tar-Tart June 17th, 2008 3:02 pm

    Thanks Merry!

  7. kat June 17th, 2008 5:19 am

    God… is it fuckin’beautiful there, or what?? Must See PA!!

  8. Tuna Tar-Tart June 17th, 2008 3:03 pm

    Yes you must! Please visit!

  9. Alyson Hell June 17th, 2008 6:20 am

    Yeah, the brake guy photo is really ace. Perfectly captured.

    “a one-year-old, another two-year-old (Sioux, like the tribe!!!!) and her six-year-old sister (Cheyenne, like the tribe!!!!), whose grandma was wearing a Kermit t-shirt and would not stop chatting with me the entire time”

    *cracking up at tribal names*

    You know, I totally feel you on the parent chatting thing. Parents and you…nothing in common. And they dress poopy.

  10. Tuna Tar-Tart June 17th, 2008 3:06 pm

    It’s even worse at playgrounds! Ugh, I wish I could trade that part of parenthood in for something else.

  11. grrgoyl June 17th, 2008 1:58 pm

    All my sympathy. The only thing more awkward to me than talking to kids is pretending to show interest in kids for the parents. I almost admire people who have a talent for it, though not enough to try to develop it myself.

  12. Tuna Tar-Tart June 17th, 2008 3:07 pm

    Everyone said having a baby would change me in that respect, but it didn’t at all. I mean, I love MY kid, but all the others can screw off, you know? Well, mainly their parents.

  13. cantcme99 June 17th, 2008 8:41 pm

    This is so so not about this post, but remember the time you, me, Mike and Matt had that picnic at Mingo Park and it was “Deliverance without a raft”?

    Love the pictures!

  14. Tuna Tar-Tart June 17th, 2008 9:28 pm

    HAHAHAHA, the day when I forced Mike to drink Surge and he got so pissed off that he walked to a payphone and called his parole officer/whatever-the-fuck that dude was to come pick him up?

    Best picnic ever!

  15. Tuna Tar-Tart June 17th, 2008 9:29 pm

    Shit — was that also the weekend he lived with Gay Gerard?

  16. Janna June 17th, 2008 9:46 pm

    Yes! I remember going to pick him up at Gerard’s. And how pissed off he got about the Surge. Matt and I lost track of you guys for a little bit while you dealt with him. I remember a bunch of stuff from that day lol. Good times.

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