Since the year 2001, my sole purpose in life has been to ridicule Henry as much as possible, and in ways he never could have fathomed, on the Internet and off.
This involves looting through his belongings; eavesdropping on phone calls; creating fake blogs, MySpace profiles and personal ads in his name; giggling every time he talks to other men; and A LOT of help from my side kick, Photoshop.
But sometimes, Henry makes it too easy. Like today, when he was looking through all his shit that I made him keep in the garage and not in my house, and came back into the house cradling his Air Force year book.
"Holy fucking shit, give me that!" I cried, snatching it from his meat fists. "Please tell me you’re in here!" He watched impatiently as I flipped frantically through the pages, gagging on the fumes of 1983.
"Gimme that," he said in frustration, opening the book to the page I wanted.
Running my finger down the page, I quickly found his name. I started to laugh really hard. Really, really hard. But then I stopped and said, in shock, "Dude. You kind of weren’t too gay-looking then." He rolled his eyes. "No seriously, now I wish you still looked like that. Aw, why did I have to get the stupid-looking version of you?" I’m not used to seeing Henry without his molester-stache.
Maybe I would like him more if he wore that hat all the time. I bet meals would taste better if cooked with him underneath his service hat. Maybe I would show him some respect if his dome was capped with this prestigious relic.
Maybe I would like him more if he was monochromatic.
As I’m hysterically typing this, he walked past and asked, "Does this really require an entire entry?" Does my universe center around laughing at his expense? Does an orphan slurp porridge? Does Michael Jackson grab crotches? Does auto-asphyxiation feel good?
No, really — I’m asking.
There was a candid, too! Of all the luck.
At least this tells me that Chooch should hopefully get a good twenty years of cuteness in before his looks are shot to Hell.Tags: air force, belongings, crotches, fists, frustration, fucking shit, grab, michael jackson, molester, personal ads, porridge, profiles, purpose in life, relic, shock, side kick, slurp, sole purpose, undefined, year 2001, year book