Mar 042013


Henry and I went to Church Brew Works on Saturday night for my friend Sean’s birthday. Places like this are kind of wasted on me because I’m not a big beer drinker. I’m really not any kind of beer drinker at all, although I was on a brief kick last fall where I was determined to try every pumpkin beer ever brewed until I finally found one I liked. (I didn’t. Not really, anyway. Although Blue Moon and that Summer Shandy bullshit is Erin-friendly.)

My frenemy Lee’s girlfriend Sam recommended something called Celestial Pale because it is apparently weak and appropriate for people like me who don’t understand beer. Lee and Henry started placing bets on how long it would take before Henry was finishing it for me, which made me determined to chug it.

I did not chug it though. I tried for one good chug but then almost drowned on the beer and my own weak palate.

Sandy arrived and confidently ordered a pinot grigio.

“What!? I can get wine here!?” I cried.

“Yeah,” she said, looking at me like she only just then realized I’m dumb.

I guess I thought that was like going to a steak house and asking for the vegetarian options. (Which I have done and did not actually bask in the frowns that were rained upon me. Not like you’d think, anyway.) Or like asking to see the basement of Alamo. I was not in the mood to get laughed at.

Then Henry noticed that there was something there called Wheat Wine so I made him ask the guy for a sample because for some reason, I wasn’t really into ordering for myself that night and had Henry being  my mouth piece.

I feel like this was probably a normal night, then.

Anyway, hot damn is wheat wine good! The bartender told us what it was, but I didn’t understand because he used big, masculine words like “barley” and “hops.” All I know is that it didn’t taste like wine, nor did it taste like beer, and it was apaprently expensive (I knew that based on the fancy glass in which it was served; Henry knew based on the bar tab). This is why we don’t go out often — god forbid I should ever settle on some $3 draft when I can get beverages that must have molten gold in them somewhere based on the cost.


I promptly slid my beer down to Henry and he started mumbling about how he hates warm beer. You know what he hates more than warm beer, though? Things that he’s paying for going to waste. Drink up, bitch.

Nate and his wife April arrived after 9, and by this point, we started to worry that we weren’t going to get a table. One happened to open up right near the bar, so Sam, Sandy and me all yelled for Lee to claim it. On his way over, he was beat out by the lamest group of older people. The one dude had a manicured Bob Ross hair helmet, or what I like to call Bossa Nova* Hair, and I think he may have been wearing an ascot.

*(A club in downtown Pittsburgh where single people over the age of 45 go to die. They also serve really good cheese plates.)

“And of all the people to lose the table to!” Sandy scolded him. But then those people ended up leaving for a different table, so Lee redeemed himself.

“I’m not getting beat by a bunch of yuppies,” Lee said.

“They were not yuppies,” Sandy sighed.

I don’t know what they were, but they were definitely not as awesome as us.


Kristen and her boyfriend Paul arrived just as we snagged a table, so we were all getting settled when we realized that no one made room for Glenn, who was there with his wife Amanda and one of their friends. HAHAHAHA No Glenns Allowed!

They got a table right next to us though, so I was able to summon Glenn over at one point and have my dreams come true:


Work Henry and Henry, disapproving of me in tandem! (You might not recognize Glenn in his true form, and not in a miniature, costumed collectible variety.) Then Glenn offered his condolences to Henry and I’m not sure BUT I THINK that was a slight affront to me.


 Henry and Sean, who probably doesn’t even remember us being there, he was so wasted! Actually, two of those Wheat Wines got me pretty close to his level. Not only do I rarely drink anymore, but I’ve been on Weight Watchers since the beginning of January, so I was doubly feeling it and almost lost a war with the steps in the bathroom. No one prepared me for the steps!  

It was just the kind of night that Henry and I really needed. I love my work buddies! And the Penguins won!


The next day, we went to the Cuckoo’s Nest Magic Shop for an event that my friend Rick put together, but I will save the long version for tomorrow.



I got to see a lot of good people this weekend. I’m pretty happy right now!


  4 Responses to “Champagne Tastes on a Bluecollar Boyfriend Budget”

  1. Sounds like a weekend full of win. Good! Glenn looks awkward without a cartoon costume on.

  2. According to Chris, steak houses are the best place to get vegetables. He might just be saying that because of the happiness they bring to me, but his vegetable plates always look damn delicious!

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