Mar 062009

“Daddy’s home!” Chooch cried from the window yesterday. I looked out and sure enough, there was Henry, parked across the street in the lot. The driver’s side window was cracked open, and he appeared to be talking on the phone. He’ll do that sometimes, hide in the quiet sanctity of the car while on the phone in lieu of walking into the Killing Fields, aka Home.

I opened the window for Chooch to protrude his cantaloped head, at which time he began hollering, “Daddy! Daddy’s a dumbass!” causing entire voleries of birds to fly away in horror. Because I’m five-years-old, this seemed like a fun way to waste time, so I joined him. Along with the heckling, I brought to the table an impressive scale of operatic screams. And then Chooch outshone me by screeching, “MAGGOTS MICHAEL!” over and over. In addition to Henry’s, we caused quite a few people to whip their heads in our direction.

This went on without relent for a good fifteen minutes, and every time Henry would turn his face toward us, we would laugh even harder.

“I bet Daddy is SO PISSED,” I laughed, elbowing Chooch.

“Don’t elbow me! I can’t like that,” Chooch whined, adding some devil eyes for impact. (Chooch never says he doesn’t like something, it’s always that he CAN’T like it.

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Then he threw his pacifier out the window, which caused him to cheer and clap before realizing the severity of the situation. I assured him that Henry would be off the phone anytime now and that he would get it, because Mommy didn’t have her shoes on.

But then another ten minutes passed and I’m starting to think, “What the fuck, who is he talking to out there?

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” First I’m annoyed, but then all kinds of hypothetical horrors begin to cross my mind, all of which involve his ex-wife. Especially since he kept making hostile hand movements and he only does that while on the phone with her. (Probably me too, but obviously I can’t witness that.)  Meanwhile, Chooch had remembered that he tossed his paci out for the birds and commanded that  I go and get  my shoes on.

I made a big production of going outside for paci-retrieval, picking it up and thrusting it in the direction of Henry, silently miming, “Fuck you, I saved the day for Chooch, you worthless father!” There I was, standing in the front yard, wearing green capri sweatpants, green and white striped knee-highs and green tennis shoes. And a shirt, don’t worry, my boobs were clothed. I’m standing out there, looking like the tallest Leprechaun, commemorating my annoyance for Henry with a puppet show of universal lewd gesticulations and bellowing “GET OFF THE PHONE, DOUCHEBARREL!”

Ew, I was so pissed that he was just SITTING THERE on the phone that whole time, when he should have been in the house spending what little free time he has with Chooch. And making me lunch.

I called him, and of course he didn’t click over. I thought to myself that he had better be on the phone with a jeweler ironing out details of a blood-infused diamond ring if he wanted his balls to remain un-thumbtacked.

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I was about to go outside and storm the car, grab my battering ram on the way out, but I knew there was no way Chooch would stay in the house and wait for me. You got lucky this time Henry, I thought with a scowl.

And then, I don’t know what happened. Something must have distracted me because Chooch and I left our post at the window and moved on to other things. Which probably means iCarly was on.

Somewhere around twenty minutes later, Chooch yelled, “Daddy!” again. I looked out in time to see Henry pulling out of the lot. I figured he was going to pull into the driveway, probably he brought some cases of beverage home from work for us. So Chooch and I are smashed against the door, jumping around like assholes and shouting, when Henry drove right past the house.

Chooch immediately burst into tears. But I made eye contact just long enough to realize that it wasn’t Henry after all. We had spent the better part of an hour harrassing a perfect stranger. A perfect stranger who will probably never again park across from my house to engage in a phone conversation.

  31 Responses to “Bullying, Chooch and Mommy Style”

  1. OMG! That is the funniest thing EVER! I love that you guys totally harassed a complete stranger and that you were totally unaware of the error! Classic.

  2. I was having the absolute WORST day ever, and this made me LOL. I hope that dude was talking to someone really important, like the doctor who botched his sex reassignment surgery. Thank you, Erin & Chooch, for making my day a little less hellish (and his probably a lot more)!!! :o)

  3. For the win.

    God, I needed that laugh. Every sentence.

    Thank you, Erin & Chooch!

  4. My day totally sucks if I can’t read your blog before I go to work. I missed it this morning and now I’m totally crying because seriously, that is the funniest shit I’ve ever read. Ever.

    • Thank you for telling me this! :)

      And just so you know, I am always telling people about your Etsy shop. It’s one of my faves; I need to get off my ass and do another Darkside pimp featuring you this time!

  5. Awesome. Completely and totally awesome. You guys rule.

    JillHannah´s last blog post..Lacking

  6. Oh my god! You two are a riot. Please can I hang out with you!?

  7. Girl, I could barely contain myself while reading this… I kept reading clips out loud to the hubby, because I kept giggling uncontrollably. That is TOTALLY something I would do. Yet again, you make me feel so much better about myself, because I now know I am not the only person alive who would end up in a situation like this. ;)

    • I am pretty confident in the fact that if we ever hung out, there would be a maelstrom of accidents. One of us would probably end up kidnapped or with a broken bone. And it would probably be completely hysterical!

  8. This has nothing to do with anything you posted, but I know you like flax and these don’t look too hard to make, especially the pancakes:

  9. remember me i am going to report you to the authorities for child crime you are not allowed to be doing such things with a child you will get into trouble now i have to go to sleep be cause i have a head ache.

  10. I am cracking up so bad right now!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. damnit, you make me want kids of my own!

    britton´s last blog post..Dusty things,

  12. Thanks for adding this to the classics! The first time I read this post I was laughing and crying and choking and Paul was all “omg what’s wrong”. And I was trying to tell him. But breathing had become too difficult so I wheezed out ” maggots Micheal!”. And then almost died. My favorite line ” if he wants his balls to remain unthumbtacked”. WTF. I’m going to start saying that at work regardless of gender. You rule.

  13. Priceless! Your stories always cheer me up, Erin. Have a great Paddy’s day!!!

  14. I have to say that I’ve been a grumpy asshole all day and this made me smile and laugh and I appreciate it.

    Thanks for taking my mind off stupid crap that makes me grumpy! =)

  15. that is so funny you spent all that time harassing the stranger to only realize it wasnt your hubby. that is to funny. i bet that man was scared to death.

  16. I love the honesty you put into your writing!!

  17. What a classic! I am glad this will never happen to me, as we have a driveway at the side of our house and my husband always pulls into that.

  18. This is it. The one. My Favorite Post.

Say it don't spray it.

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