Sep 062014
 

One of the best parts about my new position is that I get to be around people again, and suddenly my co-workers remember that I exist because they can actually see me now! And we have real-life interaction! It’s wonderful. I used to sit in an office in a infrequently-visited hallway, and that really killed my social life, you guys. My work days were long and sad.

THE GREAT, STINKY SHAWL MYSTERY

Like most offices, it is fucking colder than Sarah Palin’s heart up in that piece. I have, and this is no exaggeration, two sweater-y cardigan things, two shawls*, and a blanket in my work space. On Thursday, I retrieved my black shawl (my favorite one because it has pompoms on it and I like to swing them around) from my closet-thing and as I pulled it down over my head, I happened to catch a whiff of a perfume that is not anything remotely close to what I wear. I took in another hearty drag through my nose and jumped out of my seat.

“Glenn. There’s a problem. My shawl reeks of perfume….but it’s NOT MINE.”

Glenn looked genuinely concerned.

“Someone has been wearing my shawl!” I cried. “I bet it’s GAYLE. She misses me so much now that I’m not on late shift, that I bet she comes over here after 5:30 and wears my shawl just to have a piece of me to keep close to her!”

And then Glenn LAUGHED. Real laughter! And in case I was confused by the sound I was hearing, he verified his laughter by monotoning, “That’s funny.”

So then I went outside on my break and called Henry to tell him about my legit concern and he said I was being outrageous, as though being outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous, is a bad thing.

*(I was already made fun of on Facebook for wearing a shawl, but I bought both of these in the juniors department at Kohl’s and they’re super adorable and probably not even actually shawls but I don’t know what else to call them.)

THINGS GLENN HAS SAID THIS WEEK

This week has been pretty hilarious. I guess because Glenn’s due to become a dad for the third time today, he was feeling pretty punchy and his zingers were on point. My favorite was when I said I was going upstairs to get my volunteering t-shirt off some broad, but then she wasn’t there so I stood around and “loafed” (my dad’s favorite word) with Patty for awhile in the copy center. I came back down to my desk after about 15 minutes and when Glenn noticed I was empty-handed, I explained that it took me so long to come back because, “People upstairs in the copy center were talking to me, OK Glenn? I’m a hot commodity up there.”

“What, like a freak show attraction?”

OH GOOD ONE GLENN.

(No really. Good one.)

Then I tried to get him to be stoked for the new Emarosa album by engaging in a Release Date Countdown with me. He refused. Later in the day, I just spun around in my seat and cried “OMG GLENN I JUST GOT SHIPPING NOTIFICATION FOR MY EMAROSA PRE-ORDER!” And Glenn dryly said, “Wow. What a day.”

Later, Gayle came over to show Mean Amber and me the clothes* she bought for her granddaughter and I was like, “GLENN, LOOK AT HOW ADORABLE” because I felt this conversation was relevant to him since his world is about to be full of tiny clothes. So then Gayle and Mean Amber were going on about how they hope he has a girl and he was like, “That’s fine, as long as it doesn’t turn out like Erin Kelly.” DANG GLENN.

I hope he remembers to buy Emarosa’s new album next Tuesday!

*(One of the outfits had an owl on it so I poured out some more of my 40 under my desk for Chris.)

THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED BECAUSE CHRIS LEFT THE LAW FIRM:

  1. Joan Rivers died.
  2. The lights went out yesterday. (Briefly, but still!)
  3. Wendy’s leg almost fell off but then Patrick told her it was just a bruise so then it wasn’t going to fall off anymore.
  4. My collection of tears has grown and my email inbox has dwindled.
  5. The toilets were flushing with reddish-brown water. (According to Barb’s email to the maintenance, anyway.)
  6. Boss discovered that I’m a fake artist because of the owl painting I made for CHRIS and had me make her a chalkboard sign because she evidently sells meat-stuffs at the farmers market.

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(Making that sign was actually pretty fun but I still whined about it because if I didn’t, people would think there was a problem. “I don’t work with chalk!” I even scoffed at one point and then had to google “pictures of roast” because I haven’t eaten that shit since 1996 so what the hell do I know.)

WE GOT NOSTALGIC

Sandy brought up Waterbreak ’11 the other day on Facebook and then we all had a moment of “Aw, those were the days.”

  5 Responses to “A Week of Law Firm Happenings”

  1. A poncho, perhaps?

  2. Not me. HONEST!!! I have my own wrap/cape/thingee!!!

  3. That sign is ridiculously cute. Way to go!

    Also, Glenn is on a roll. Now that you work with him more often, you should compile a weekly list of Glenn quotes. I’d love to read it. :D

  4. I laughed nonstop for the duration of this entire post, especially about the toilets flushing brown water because Chris left. I hope Chris’s guilt is eternal.

    Also, your roast drawing is awesome. And shawls are back in. No worries.

    I just read this whole post again and laughed more.

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