You guys. I never thought I would say this, as someone who was so firmly mired in the post-hardcore / Warped Tour / goth scene for so many years, but Henry and I attended the IHeartRadio Jingle Ball in Detroit and had a fantastic time!

Granted, we only went because not only was NCT Dream performing with Renjun who has returned from hiatus (he sat out the US tour they recently did in September and he is my Dream bias, so I was bummed about that) but Wonho, formerly of Monsta X and currently a fabulous solo artist was also going to be there! His first time in the US without Monsta X! Henry knew before I even told him that we were going to be attending our first Jingle Ball because of this.

Aside from Jason Derulo, I didn’t know any of the western artists on the Detroit line up (the line up varies by cities and we very luckily dodged a MEGHAN TRAINOR bullet, as she is appearing at several of the dates) but I didn’t care. I figured we’d stay for Wonho and NCT Dream and then leave.

But then, we were having such a good time, our seats were fantastic, there were no apparent dickheads around us, so I decided that we should stay for the whole thing. We paid enough $$$ for the seats, and if we left early, we’d probably just end up sitting in the hotel room watching Friends reruns.

I will write about Wonho and NCT Dream separately. In this post, I want to just talk about the other artists and how, while a bit of a culture shock to see western pop artists perform (LOL culture shock like I’m not actually American, I’m so fucking annoying even to myself, don’t worry guys – we share the same opinion about this blogger).

The lineup, in order from opening to headliner:

1. Isabel LaRosa
2. Wonho <3
3. Madison Beer
4. NCT Dream <3
5. Jason Derulo
6. Saweetie
7. Teddy Swims
8. Jack Harlow

First of all, the show stared PROMPTLY at 7:30. It was actually borderline jarring because the lights went out and then Isabel walked on stage to the backdrop of thumping bass. I thought this would be like K-Con where there’d be an MC or something that came out first to do their spiel. They did in fact have the local Top 40 radio DJs there, but they came out after Isabel’s set, which…I honestly thoroughly enjoyed. It was definitely giving “sex scene in a student-made horror film that we would have rented from Incredibly Strange Video circa 2002”, that is to say: SEEDY, SLEAZY, CREEPY.

At one point, her hockey jersey came off and she performed the rest of her 4 song set in just a tiny bra and shorts. It was something.

She has a song about “wanting someone older” and the music video for it played on the screen behind her. It of course showed her at a school and her costar was A TEACHER.

“It’s your favorite trope,” I shouted in Henry’s ear and he frowned so hard. He hated all the inappropriate, statutory rapey relationships that peppered the TV series Pretty Little Liars, which we used to watch together, particularly a main story line that involved one of the Liars and her ENGLISH TEACHER. Hooo boy, did that boil Henry’s blood, lol.

(Speaking of, the English teacher was recently in a Netflix Christmas movie with Lindsay Lohan and his girlfriend in that movie was also much younger and there were some “jokes” about that which made Henry frown in disappointment all over again haha.)

Also, I really liked that it was just her and her guitarist on stage. It was minimalistic and somehow still so loud and unnerving.

The more I thought about in the days after Jingle Ball, the more I realized how much I liked this (???) and that it sort of reminded me of the metal-adjacent female-fronted stuff I used to listen to in the early 00s.

Then came Madison Beer after Wonho. I knew A LITTLE about her, like the fact that Justin Bieber made her go viral when she was just 13 and he reposted a video of her singing. And that she was one of the voices for some League of Legends virtual group called K/DA, along with some other broad and two of the (G)-Idle members. So, she’s played a minor role in the kpop realm!

I was SHOCKED by her though because she clearly can SANG and her voice actually had somewhat of an old-fashioned sound to it that I truly appreciated because I’m so tired of these pop girls singing in their fake breathy baby voices a la Halsey.

Did she make me uncomfortable at times? Oh, you know it. Her performance was also sexually-charged but I guess that’s just always been the nature of American pop and I’m so out of the loop that it was like sugar shock.

I guess this song was nominated for a Grammy. I REALLY liked it live, but then later when I watched the video, I didn’t like it as much. But it really works so well as a live performance – I had never heard the song before but when it started, I was fully invested and borderline obsessed. It was dark and thumpy.

I do really appreciate the Jennifer’s Body theme of the music video though, and Jesus Christ she could be Megan Fox’s sister, seriously.

I don’t think Jason Derulo needs any intro! I was seriously shocked that he wasn’t headlining though, because out of everyone, he’s been around the longest and is arguably the most well-known. His set was really energetic and dance-y, and he did a medley of some of his most popular songs too since everyone was really only allotted enough time  to perform 4 songs – he found the loophole lol.

It was during this set though when it occurred to me that it really felt like being in a giant strip club – all of the performances so far (with the exception of NCT Dream, but also even Wonho to an extent lol) were just like living, gyrating, pelvic thrusting billboards for SEX! SEX! SEX! and the only thing missing was poles, honestly. It was entertaining but I think I am officially of the age where I was thankful I didn’t have a young kid in attendance with me.

I’m pretty sure a large portion of the crowd left after Jason.

Then came Saweetie. I didn’t take any pictures of her and my review will be short & s(a)weet(ie):

She is SO BEAUTIFUL. She looked amazing in her adorable little Christmas outfit.

Her DJ was repetitive and annoying.

I guess this is what girl rap sounds like now? Sort of….not rapping, no flow? I was bored with her set (when she was pretending to straddle and ride an imaginary “Big big Santa” was pretty fun though haha) – I grew up on DaBrat and Foxxy Brown so that’s my bar, I guess. Again, just basing this on what I saw that night – I haven’t listened to her in any other context aside from the song she did with IVE last year (which is the only reason I even know who she is).

Teddy Swims was really good but I could never sit through an entire concert of his, I don’t think. All of his songs blended together and I couldn’t stop laughing because he reminded me so much of Christina.

Also, and this pains me to admit but I said it out loud later that night when we were walking back to the hotel, but I still think that the best male singer in North America, maybe even all of the western world, is fucking Jonny Craig. UGH. This Teddy Swims guy has A Voice, but he’s no Jonny Craig. It’s sad because if Jonny hadn’t made such poor life decisions, he could be a household name at this point and not still playing at tiny hole in the wall clubs in his 40s.

But yeah, enjoyed Teddy Swims more than I expected (when I looked up him prior to this and saw the genres he was known for, I scoffed, “YEAH NO I’M NOT GONNA LIKE THIS DOUCHEBAG.”) and at least I can admit this!?

Jack Harlow – whose name I knew but knew nothing else – was the last to perform. He came strutting out on stage alone in chinos and a fucking fitted black sweater like he just left his cubicle in the IT Dept. And then he started….rapping? Is that what that was? I have no idea but all I could think was, “Who the fuck is this white nerd?” You guys, I didn’t like him at all. Henry didn’t either. We were both pulling stank-face until I threw in the towel after two….songs? Whatever you want to call it. I turned to Henry and said, “Yeah, I’m ready to go if you are” and he was like, “TWIST MY ARM” as he practically pushed me out of my seat and into the aisle in his eagerness to never have to hear Jack Harlow again.

(When we were walking up the steps to leave our section, Jack was in the middle of talking to the audience and even that was getting on my nerves. “Oh boy and he’s a talker,” I mumbled and Henry made the “Pffft” sound in agreement with me because Henry always agrees with me unless I‘m pulling a runner at the eye doctor and then suddenly he’s dying on the Bittel Vision hill.)

We had a pleasant walk back to the hotel – there were cops at every intersection so we felt safe to be walking the several blocks back rather than take the hotel shuttle which Henry asked SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT at the hotel for us to just not bother using it lololol. Then we hit up the vending machines before going back to the room and I was SHOCKED that there was nary a Faygo in sight. Detroit!!

Oh, we also walked around the casino a few times because I thought I had seen a sign for gelato in one of our earlier strolls and it made me laugh that we had made at least 4 laps around the whole casino throughout the day and didn’t even consider to pull a lever on a machine. My brother Ryan, a huge Vegas aficionado, would have SHUDDERED TO THINK.

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